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I offically think drowning yourself is impossible. I tried it last night cause of something really bad happening and I just wanted to rip the air from my lungs. Well, I tied my legs together and put a weight on them tehn jumped to the bottom of a 12 ft. deep pool. well when your drowning your body defies you brain and forces your fingers to untie you. I was pissed. I nearly.... nearly drowned and my body freaked out. I wanted to die in water. I need to figure something else out.
Died yesterday Rose today · Sun Feb 25, 2007 @ 09:32pm · 0 Comments |
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Are you the blind or the Seeing?
[20:26] S0ccerjunkie: i back [20:28] xaloneinmycorner: oh hey [20:28] xaloneinmycorner: how u doin now [20:29] S0ccerjunkie: better [20:29] xaloneinmycorner: ok [20:30] S0ccerjunkie: yea [20:30] xaloneinmycorner: hey.... can I tell u some thing... and u like not tell no one [20:30] S0ccerjunkie: of course [20:31] xaloneinmycorner: u remember how I'm moving down south in Augest? [20:31] S0ccerjunkie: yea [20:32] xaloneinmycorner: well.... Kalvin and every one thinks I really don't wanna move and everything... [20:32] S0ccerjunkie: ok [20:33] xaloneinmycorner: but recently I'm kinda favoring it [20:33] S0ccerjunkie: why [20:33] xaloneinmycorner: because... it is a chance to start over... [20:33] S0ccerjunkie: ? [20:34] xaloneinmycorner: idk... i just feel like I wanna start over... not like I don't like my frineds right now... and I definitly love Kalvin, but Idk [20:34] S0ccerjunkie: well, theres gotta be a reason [20:35] S0ccerjunkie: y do u want to start over, is everything ok [20:35] xaloneinmycorner: not really [20:36] S0ccerjunkie: whats wrong [20:36] xaloneinmycorner: a lot of things [20:36] S0ccerjunkie: well, im listening [20:37] S0ccerjunkie: u can tell me, and not worry bout me telling anyone [20:38] xaloneinmycorner: since my dad's company went to hell... so did my life [20:39] xaloneinmycorner: my parents don't remember anything about me, they make me do everything and treat me as if I bear all legal expense on my shoulders already [20:39] xaloneinmycorner: brb theres more [20:40] S0ccerjunkie: ok [20:41] xaloneinmycorner: they forgot my birthday (the actual day, my party was after my actual b-day) wen all they could think about was the stupid "big" party they planned that I never wanted.... school just isnt important to me any more [20:41] xaloneinmycorner: nothign seems to have interst any more [20:42] xaloneinmycorner: because I have to worry about what I have to make for dinner before friends [20:42] xaloneinmycorner: I have to worry about what my little brother will wear to school the next day before homework [20:42] xaloneinmycorner: since my dad is gone there is no rule in the house [20:44] xaloneinmycorner: my day consist of school, then swimming till 5, then wen I get home at 5:30 I make dinner make sure mikey has clean cloths in the morning (cause if i don't he'll wear yesterdays clothing).... I get maybe some homework done, btu most of the time I don't even bother with it, I'll go on her or read trying to grasp the last tid bits of my sanity [20:45] xaloneinmycorner: I royally ******** up my english grade for 3rd marking perios and I've had plenty people call me a ******** up for it [20:45] xaloneinmycorner: I feel as if some how something is going wrong between me and Kalvin... I totally wish I didn't have that feeling [20:45] S0ccerjunkie: omg, [20:46] xaloneinmycorner: I feel the people I've held close to me for my high school and middle school years aren't seeing how bad things are getting and that none of them care to see it [20:46] S0ccerjunkie: well, if u want me to help i'll do my best [20:47] xaloneinmycorner: there is nothign you can do.... there is nothign I can do.... its all feeling and feelings just have to work themselves out and the problems at home aren't supposed to leave the house [20:48] xaloneinmycorner: I don't mean to make u feel guilty or anything... I was just trying to say that I don't think any one notices what a slump I'm falling into.......................... not even Kalvin [20:49] xaloneinmycorner: and what is worse is that some times my mom will flip out on me saying I have an attitude and that there should be no stress in my life cause I'm a kid and there is nothign to be stressed over... and then that makes me lose sanity cause I start to doubt my thoughst and feelings and everything is upside down [20:49] xaloneinmycorner: and now right is left.... up is down [20:50] xaloneinmycorner: I can't seem to find the brightness in teh day, but I can find the death in everything [20:50] S0ccerjunkie: oh [20:51] xaloneinmycorner: everything jsut feels so pointless.... [20:51] xaloneinmycorner: like why should I try to only have to deal with another thing [20:51] S0ccerjunkie: ive felt like that before [20:51] xaloneinmycorner: so I remember [20:51] S0ccerjunkie: yea [20:51] S0ccerjunkie: i hated myself [20:52] xaloneinmycorner: oh, I don't hate myslef [20:52] xaloneinmycorner: if anything I hold onto myself because it feels thats all I got left [20:52] xaloneinmycorner: the only person that understands everything is me [20:52] xaloneinmycorner: the only person that asks any more "are you ok" is me [20:53] S0ccerjunkie: but i still do [20:53] xaloneinmycorner: and I hate every one else..... it sucks [20:53] xaloneinmycorner: I no... I didn't mean to insult u [20:53] S0ccerjunkie: u hate everyone? [20:53] xaloneinmycorner: not like hate, but just have disdain towards everyone [20:54] S0ccerjunkie: y [20:59] xaloneinmycorner: people are ignorant.... people don't understnad.... while she is worring about getting the A I'm worring about passing 10th grade and making sure my family doens't fall apart... peopel whine and complain about all the thigns in life, but they don't notice... they come to me and ask for adivce... and teh sad thing is, I have the answer.... not cause I'm smart but because I've been through so much s**t that I can almost relate to anything they are whining about... and since I'm still standing I know it'll work... people don't understand anything... they don't understnad that the person that isn't whining isn't happy, no... they have troubles in thier live just the same, but they have dealt and dealt that they no to keep that tight face or everythign will fall loose... that everythign they hold on their shoulders that is calling to them to just let them drop, but let just one thign slip and everything comes falling down... and some much is lost.... there is some much to pick up............ I have a normal disdain to people because they make me feel there is nothing wrogn with me, when I knwo there is everything wrong with me [21:01] S0ccerjunkie: i never knew u felt like that [21:02] xaloneinmycorner: I can't stand people so blind.... a person that never complains and a person that only smiles when a joke is thrown... they don't that inside that person hurts so much.. yet they are soooooooo blind because unless there are tears from their face, they are ok [21:02] xaloneinmycorner: I have felt this way for a long time [21:02] xaloneinmycorner: for a very long time [21:02] S0ccerjunkie: wow [21:02] xaloneinmycorner: I hate how human beings are hypacrites by nature [21:03] xaloneinmycorner: I hate how human beings are so basic to rarely see what is outside the box... when I live outside the box [21:03] S0ccerjunkie: i know [21:04] xaloneinmycorner: I HATE HOW I FEEL ALL ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL AND HOW ALONE MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH ONLY ME TO ENTERTAIN [21:05] xaloneinmycorner: no one understands that the insane are not crazy, but merely living a life that is different and normally far more entertaining than the limits of the normal human [21:05] S0ccerjunkie: i understand [21:06] xaloneinmycorner: I have so many thoughts that differ from normal people that I feel I can express without being tossed into the loony bin myself [21:06] S0ccerjunkie: did u ever hear the song watchin the wheels [21:06] xaloneinmycorner: no [21:06] xaloneinmycorner: i haven't [21:06] S0ccerjunkie: well its by john lennon, did u ever hear of him [21:06] xaloneinmycorner: yea [21:06] S0ccerjunkie: hold on then ok [21:06] xaloneinmycorner: yea [21:07] xaloneinmycorner: I'll be thinking some more [21:07] S0ccerjunkie: judt remember that there are people that truly care about u, and whatever u do nothing will ever change that [21:07] xaloneinmycorner: yes I do [21:07] xaloneinmycorner: but care is nto the same [21:08] xaloneinmycorner: qoute... [21:09] xaloneinmycorner: "No one can ever understand me, becasue they don't play by my rules.... but that doesn't mean they don't care... they noramlly do a lot..." and the fianl part to that qoute... "... but care isn't what makes us feel not alone, only understanding can fill that voi" [21:09] xaloneinmycorner: void** [21:11] S0ccerjunkie: well there are lots of people who probably understand u, they just dont know how u feel and they dont want people to know how they feel [21:11] xaloneinmycorner: you can tell those people miles away... they are not like the lifeless people I see crowding the hallways... their faces have the note of difference... [21:12] xaloneinmycorner: a note... a clue to truths beyound truths [21:13] S0ccerjunkie: ok, well i found the lyrics to the song, and its about a person playing by his own rules pretty much, and he doesnt care what society thinks about him [21:14] S0ccerjunkie: do u care what scoiety thinks of u [21:14] xaloneinmycorner: no for they are fools and why should I care if they don't even understand [21:14] S0ccerjunkie: exactly [21:15] xaloneinmycorner: when they lack the inkling of the flame that could bring them to it [21:15] S0ccerjunkie: yea [21:15] xaloneinmycorner: well u have the lyric? [21:16] S0ccerjunkie: yea [21:16] xaloneinmycorner: may I see [21:16] S0ccerjunkie: hold on [21:17] S0ccerjunkie: Lennon John | Watching The Wheels lyrics [21:18] xaloneinmycorner: ................ a soul who knows..................... [21:19] S0ccerjunkie: i know too [21:19] xaloneinmycorner: [21:19] S0ccerjunkie: i got u to smile [21:20] xaloneinmycorner: no.. but that is a symbol of being pleased [21:20] xaloneinmycorner: content for the time [21:20] S0ccerjunkie: oh, well i guess if its the best i can do its the best i can do, but know u know that i care and understand, and not alone [21:21] xaloneinmycorner: yes i do [21:21] xaloneinmycorner: would you be intersted in a book of madness? [21:22] S0ccerjunkie: possibly, can u explain [21:23] xaloneinmycorner: a book of madness I have only one with some one... it is a book passed between too people, and the little ideas that are popped into the head of one is written down and you see how much madness you can drive from teh too crazy minds [21:23] xaloneinmycorner: a discussion [21:23] xaloneinmycorner: but also a palce to vent [21:24] xaloneinmycorner: and have some one come to understand teh workings of anothers mind [21:24] S0ccerjunkie: sure [21:25] xaloneinmycorner: alrightie... I'll create one and start it, then pass it too you [21:25] S0ccerjunkie: ok [21:25] xaloneinmycorner: brb [21:25] S0ccerjunkie: ok [21:26] xaloneinmycorner: back [21:27] S0ccerjunkie: ok [21:27] xaloneinmycorner: next question [21:27] xaloneinmycorner: sry wrong im [21:27] S0ccerjunkie: its ok [21:28] xaloneinmycorner: it is very fun depending the mood you are in when the writting comes out [21:28] S0ccerjunkie: ok [21:28] xaloneinmycorner: and some times drawings make everything more illusional and fictaional at the same time [21:29] S0ccerjunkie: not much of an artist [21:29] xaloneinmycorner: dont' need to be... [21:29] S0ccerjunkie: but i'll try [21:30] xaloneinmycorner: just imput what you can... and we'll see if the rabbit whole has a bottom [21:30] S0ccerjunkie: ok [21:31] xaloneinmycorner: oh come now... you're going back to teh primitive ways.... there must be soemthing better than ok [21:32] xaloneinmycorner: tis a test to see what words can be brought [21:32] S0ccerjunkie: well of course there is something better than ok, it just depends on the capacity of the person who is speaking the speech and thinking the thoughts [21:33] xaloneinmycorner: but we have concluded who is talking and the capacity of both speaker and listener [21:35] S0ccerjunkie: what do you mean by we have concluded who is talking and i dpnt know who the person is [21:36] xaloneinmycorner: oh me oh my... have i lost you already? [21:36] xaloneinmycorner: tisk tsik [21:36] xaloneinmycorner: tisk** [21:37] xaloneinmycorner: We have already figured out that it is you who is speaking and we have already decided that you understnad my thoughts so the capacity to our conversation should be equal... no? [21:37] xaloneinmycorner: so ok is unfitting [21:38] S0ccerjunkie: oh, thats is undoubtedly correct, however due to my mind being distracted by the background in my house i was unable to comprehend the statement that you were making [21:40] xaloneinmycorner: and in that you are correct for who are we to not be distracted... it is in teh distraction that we notice yet one more detail in the world that had the possiblity of going unoticed [21:41] xaloneinmycorner: and in the distraction we find thought [21:41] xaloneinmycorner: and in thought comes ideas [21:41] xaloneinmycorner: and in our ideas comes the revaltaions that make us understnad things that the people around us never could [21:41] xaloneinmycorner: making us outside the box [21:43] S0ccerjunkie: thats is accurately and philsophically stated and by being so on our thinking creates the image of diiference that society sees us, thus creating the misunderstanding that so sadly plagues both of our worlds [21:45] xaloneinmycorner: but it shouldn't be sad, yes we are differnt and stand out sorely... but we shouldn't be sad for that.... for sad makes it seem we wish to be part of what they have... and I hardly want to live a life like that..... for you see that would be masking all the potental of the box [21:46] xaloneinmycorner: and if ever the box is to be opened [21:46] xaloneinmycorner: the people that wlk the earth now [21:46] xaloneinmycorner: would never venture out [21:46] xaloneinmycorner: for there would not be some one who willingly and openly taken the first steps [21:46] xaloneinmycorner: and woulsn't have some one to follow [21:47] xaloneinmycorner: it is oh so sad though that they would never follow the likes of me though [21:47] xaloneinmycorner: I'm "wierd" ________________________________________________________________ (here is the rest) [21:50] S0ccerjunkie: when you first responded to my statement, i thought that you misinterpretted my meaning of "sad", for i meant it in not that its is sad for us but sad for them to be so afraid of us due to our different thinking, however you were precisely accurate in your thinking to my definition of "sad" [21:51] xaloneinmycorner: of course.... as the blind say... "great minds think alike".... unfortunitly we are not the great to them for our gpa isn't 4.0 [21:51] xaloneinmycorner: lol [21:55] S0ccerjunkie: that is as close to my thinking as anyone has ever come, for what would be considered great if galileo never thought the earth orbits around the sun, not the other, or if we never discovered the earth was round, but flat and you would fall off when you reached the edge of the map, for those minds thought different from the norm, they were considered "weird", outcasts from society, and their views were never accepted then everything we know for fact today would still be considered myth [21:55] S0ccerjunkie: and blasphemy [22:01] xaloneinmycorner: so true so true.... but blasphemy is not to frown upon either.... for without blasphemy we wouldn't have anything to entertain our thoguhts which would then never have given us the key to unlocking the box... and also without it there would be no right or wrong to the normal beings... right an wrong these days are the only topics that the norm people come close to looking outside the box.... it is only recently that they are starting to see such beauties in the law they have created.... the workings of their minds, which make up the law, are based upon what they see as good and bad, but who are they to say so... what makes them the definit setter of standards [22:02] xaloneinmycorner: some teens have realized rules are meant to be broken.... and that they are... if they never broke the rules they'd never learn the lesson the was being taken from them [22:02] xaloneinmycorner: and if the lesson is taken from them, then the one chance a norm human has at understanding might be taken away before it glimers in their mind [22:08] S0ccerjunkie: exactly, a few select people cannot determine the moral values of the people they are supposed to be protecting, for no one person is the same, and therefore they must choose between to keep the majority happy, minority happy, or themselves happy, and , in their hunger for power choose to keep the majority happy, loosing the beliefs and feelings of their own personal self, becoming a puppet of the elite, and in doing so blocking out the views of the different people never allowing the norm to see our views [22:10] S0ccerjunkie: and never opening up the minds of the people to realize that it is ok to think differently and that is what makes the world quite humorous, they shy away from the different people, for they see them as weird, but in the end they finally accept the beliefs of the different because it allows for more possibilities and eventually the norm of the future is the different of today or yesterday [22:15] xaloneinmycorner: oh so true... but what really also upsets me is the oxymoron there.... for people so suited to their lives go on and then later in their lives when they have settled into the "way things are" they desire the change.... you hear these lawyer, bankers, etc..... they complain that they bring their work home with them and that their life is all work, when it is them who make it so... if the ever look so far as beyound their nose and the nose who crafted the way they thought they'd realise that they could change in the snap of their fingers... but it is becasue they would not risk it all agains the way of the others and practice differently.... that would makes them "weird" "outcasts" [22:16] xaloneinmycorner: they can't change what was inbeaded in them [22:17] xaloneinmycorner: for they never risked it all to challenge the people who dare to confine our thoughts [22:18] xaloneinmycorner: with their laws.... weather they be legal or mathmatical [22:21] S0ccerjunkie: ah but they can change, for i do not believe in the you cant teach an old dog new tricks, but u must first convince the old dog that he is capable of learning something new, and these people might have been taught by people who cant tell the difference between a person and a dollar sign, always looking for personal gain, but they are not the teacher, they are the new generation, and if one can change than they all can change, unless they are so deeply infatuated by the o holy dollar [22:22] S0ccerjunkie: and are always jockying for position than they are not truly people, just empty vessals floating in an endless ocean of greed and idle, unchanging thought [22:26] xaloneinmycorner: so true... so true... question is... inorder to teach these dogs new trick we'd need a teacher... one who could deal with the mind of a simpletin.... but in that we'd lose of of our own.... for our own would need to understand and except the ways of the simpletin inorder to change him...... and in so doing they lose what made them different, what made them the teacher.... [22:27] xaloneinmycorner: they loose the way of our thought.... I have come to this conclusion for I've not meet one who tried and not been then brainwashed by their ways [22:28] S0ccerjunkie: true, but i am sorry to say that i must go, for i am being thrwon off the compiter [22:28] xaloneinmycorner: oh the way of parents as I might guess [22:28] S0ccerjunkie: exactly [22:28] xaloneinmycorner: so sad.... oh well tomorrow is another day [22:29] S0ccerjunkie: i shall see u then [22:29] xaloneinmycorner: avoir.... and don't the sun crash down on your shade
Died yesterday Rose today · Thu Feb 08, 2007 @ 02:49am · 2 Comments |
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WTF!!! It is saying there is none of my entries in here any more...grrrr
Died yesterday Rose today · Tue Dec 05, 2006 @ 12:53am · 0 Comments |
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Why is it that every time I love some one and I give them some of my heart they some how hurt me and don't even notice it... why is it that things that can break me go unoticed to the person witht eh hammer driving the nail into my chest.... why is it that I can't stand being me any more because of all the pain I'm in... why do I feel like the world is running miles faster than me and I'm sitting here doing nothing wasting away... I can't help but get this bitting numb feeling... can some one just for once be there and not hurt me... can some one be there and understand... some one that will listen to everything so I can make those scars on my heart go away... so some one besides me knows and I'm not bottling up this pain that will one day make me be the bitter woman that stay alone for her life... will some one listen to me and not give me problems for how weird or how mental I am... can some one help me stop crying my self into sleep... can some one help me save me from myself and the scars that leave and ever bearing mark on my heart... on my soul...
Died yesterday Rose today · Wed Nov 08, 2006 @ 03:41am · 0 Comments |
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I'm tired of having to say I'm fine when I'm not.... I'm tired of having to say no it's ok when it isn't.... I'm tired of letting things roll of my shoulders when I should deal with them.... I'm tired of people getting me to change... I'm tired of every one who doesn't realise when I want there help and they don't get my hints becasue theya re too dense... I'm tired of being left out of the loop with certain people... I'm tired of trying to please people who mean nothing to me or don't deserve me bign nice to them.... I'm tired of ever one who gets on my nerves every day and don't realize it.... I'm tired of people not noticing when they say somethign and hurt me on the inside..... I'M TIRED OF HAVING TO HOLD THIS IN SO SOME ONE DOESN"T GET MAD AT ME.... I'M TIRED OF HOLDING EVERYTHING IN TO MAKE SOME ONE ELSE LIFE EASIER....
Died yesterday Rose today · Thu Oct 19, 2006 @ 02:09am · 0 Comments |
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Personality Scores and Descriptions
Score (0-100)
Personality Dimension
29
Extraversion High scorers tend to be sociable and outgoing. They prefer to be around people most of the time. High Extraversion is associated with being seen as more popular and more socially competent, having more friends and dating partners, being accident-prone, taking more study breaks, engaging in thrill-seeking and delinquent behavior, better performance in sales and management jobs, higher job satisfaction, earning a higher salary, having more leadership roles, attending more parties, exercising more frequently, belonging to a fraternity, playing a sport, smoking cigarettes, consuming more alcohol, and preference for hip-hop, soul, funk, electronic, rock, and heavy metal music.
Low scorers tend to be reserved and serious. They often prefer to be alone or with a few close friends. Low Extraversion is associated with engaging in fewer risky behaviors.
56
Agreeableness High scorers tend to be compassionate, good-natured, and eager to cooperate and avoid conflict. High Agreeableness is associated with being seen as more socially competent, with greater religiosity, greater willingness to help a stranger, and preference for pop, country, and religious music.
Low scorers tend to be hardheaded, skeptical, proud, and competitive. They tend to express their anger directly. Low Agreeableness is associated with having more dating partners, with smoking cigarettes, driving fast, and holding prejudicial views.
Agreeableness usually increases with age. Women tend to score higher on Agreeableness than do men.
60
Conscientiousness High scorers tend to be responsible and well-organized. They have high standards and work hard to achieve their goals. High Conscientiousness is associated with earning higher grades, scoring higher on verbal intelligence tests, better school attendance, spending more time studying and completing household chores, sleeping more, being more religious, better performance in most jobs, and exercising more frequently.
Low scorers tend to act spontaneously rather than making plans. They may pay little attention to details, are not very well-organized, and can sometimes be careless. Low Conscientiousness is associated with risky behavior, disciplinary problems, being accident-prone, more job changes, consuming more alcohol, and receiving more traffic tickets.
Conscientiousness usually increases with age.
75
Neuroticism High scorers tend to be sensitive, emotional, and prone to experience feelings that are upsetting. High Neuroticism is associated with exercising more frequently.
Low scorers tend to be secure, generally relaxed even under stressful conditions, and worry little. Low Neuroticism is associated with better physical and psychological health.
Neuroticism usually decreases with age. Women tend to score higher on Neuroticism than do men.
98
Openness to Experience High scorers tend to be open to new experiences. They have broad interests and are imaginative. High Openness is associated with earning better grades, scoring higher on general intelligence tests, playing a musical instrument, holding liberal political opinions, and with preference for rock, heavy metal, classical, jazz, blues, and folk music.
Low scorers tend to be down-to-earth, practical, traditional, and pretty much set in their ways. Low Openness is related to earning a higher salary, holding conservative political opinions, and having prejudicial views of minority groups.
Died yesterday Rose today · Fri Oct 06, 2006 @ 04:25am · 0 Comments |
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