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I have retrieved my lost memories. At first, I was shocked. My memories really depressed me. I never thought that the events that occured in my life actually happened. That was hurtful, but those events of which I cannot speak of did happen. No wonder I forgot my past. For a while, I was weak at heart. Now, it's different. I didn't get all of them back right away; they just seemed to flow into me. In one memory, I acted one way, in another memory, I was a different person altogether. That really confused and worried me. I now have found the connecting points between those memories and those questions have been answered, only for new ones to arise. I'm not going to force myself to forget again, because I wanted to remember my life and spent time searching for my memories. I feel calm, like I'm floating on water after diving in and swimming around for a while. I guess that's the joy someone gets when they've achieved a goal of theirs. I won't stop. I'll keep diving in and swimming along to succeed in my goals. I believe that one of the points of life is to swim against the current to achieve our goals and dreams. So I'll keep going.
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Thu Mar 01, 2007 @ 03:33am · 0 Comments |
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There are many things in this world that are unexplainable. Why? It's either that people don't know about it, or people don't understand. That's why religion is there. To explain the unexplainable. To fill a void. To support and help people out along the way. I stopped believing in religion for a while. Why? I found no hope in religion. I found no hope in anything. I was what people would call "emo." I found no hope in anything because I found no love in anything. I found only hate and pain. I thought that God had abandoned everyone and everything in this world. I stopped believing in God because I was in pain, and I thought that there was no hope left for me. "Why? Why me? Why anyone?! What happened to make this life a living hell?! Why does everything hurt so?! Just, please, allow me to die. I'm an abomination, so why's it matter if I die. No one would care. No one ever does." I was bullied. I didn't have a friend in the world. That's what I always thought. I always thought that there was no one out there who cared. I had no one to love. I was alone. "Please make it stop! I don't want to be by myself forever!" I thought that I was cursed. I hated everyone because I thought that they would hurt me. Also because...they had someone and I didn't. That's what I always thought. I don't want to be on Prozac anymore. I don't want to take a pill that'll "make me feel better." It feels like it controls me. I don't want to talk my feelings out with a therapist every two weeks to try and make me "feel better." It's nice to talk, but I'd rather talk with my friends. "Please, someone kill me! I don't want to live in pain like this forever! It's not fair. Just, please, make it stop! I don't deserve to live! If no one would kill me, then I'll kill myself!" I always had abilities that no one else did. I have had psychic powers for as long as I can remember. I thought that they were okay. The time I found out that not many other people had them was when I told someone about them. I thought that I was a freak who didn't deserve to live. I hated my powers. "Take them away! I never asked for them! They hurt. Whenever someone feels pain, I feel it, too." I was never a fan of fighting. I saw no point. It always hurt. When I was in a deep depression, I never cut myself. No, hurting someone else hurt me more than any wound. "I don't want to fight anymore! I've never been this angry before, so why now?! I don't like seeing myself when I’m angry. It hurts! I don't need this pain! Make it stop! Just let me find peace! It hurts too much!" It hurts too much. That's why I forgot everything. I erased it myself. I forced myself to forget my pains, but ended up forgetting most of my life. Afterward, I didn't know why that happened. I tried to get all of my memories back. I then thought that I wasn't the real Kiera, but a remnant of her. I thought that she disappeared and I was left in her place. I could never stand that name. Whenever someone called me that name, a deep pain resonated in my soul. I like Kasumi- the name that I go by now. I eventually figured out that I'm not a remnant of anyone, for I got my memory back. I never made a full- fledged attempt to kill myself. I always had something there that stopped me from doing that. I had dreams during that time that made sense to me. I had dreams where I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I had dreams where I was sinking in black water. There were ones where i was standing there in a white dress that had rips and I was cut all over. the dress had stains of blood on it. When I put the pieces of my heart back together, I went looking for the light that went in it. My light. My soul. I remember that I meditated once and found out what happened to my heart and soul. I was standing on a platform and there was a jewel that was glowing with a beautiful, radiant light. I picked it up and found that it was a sphere shape, save that it was missing a piece. It was a beautiful shade of blues and rippled like water. I asked what the jewel was and a voice that sounded like mine answered, "It is your life's importance. It is the jewel that you have fixed." My heart and soul! I then went to a garden that was huge and magnificent and was told to remember it always, for I will be able to come back if I do. I remember it vividly. That wasn't the only happy dreams that I've ever had. I once had a dream that I was in a place that was white, except for a part of it that was black that I was running away from. I wondered why i was running away when I saw a figure that looked like a grim reaper that was chasing me. I asked myself, "Why am I running away?" I stopped, turned around, and asked him that question. He stopped too, then a large gate appeared behind me. It slowly began to open. I turned around again and asked for the figure's name. The robes dropped off of him to reveal a complete reflection of me. The light from the gate turned all in my sight into white as she said something- and it appeared in black letters in my view. She said only one word as a response- God. I was then falling to Earth. I had falling dreams before, but none like this. I became nervous and asked, "What do I do once I get back to Earth?" She answered, "You're free. You can do whatever you want." The dream then ended. That made me feel at peace. That was an occasion where my emotions radiated heat within me. I was happy then knowing that. There are many things in this world that are unexplainable. Why? They have an answer. We all just need to find it.
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Mon Feb 19, 2007 @ 07:07am · 0 Comments |
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I've recently been in a psychiatric ward. It was because I wrote a suicide note because I was depressed. Actually, I've been depressed for the last five years of my life. I lost my memory three years ago and gained at least half of them back. I think I wrote the suicide note because I lost so much and never told anybody. I became used to it until emotions and memories kept popping up. All I did for comfort was sat around and cried. No one ever knew. At the beginning of freshman year, I swore that I would tell my friends about who I am. So far, that's been a wish. Now, I am going to do something about it. I won't sit around anymore and do nothing! I won't wait until I can't handle it anymore! I'll never go into that hole anymore!! I want to be who I really am!! So, to my friends, bear with me. I'm not used to it, so help me out. I'm sorry to have wanted to commit suicide. I'll never do it again. Promise. So, you'd better hold me to it!
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Mon Jan 08, 2007 @ 03:23am · 1 Comments |
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So many crazy things going on, and I'm very confused. WHAT THE FU**'S GOIN' ON HERE??!! Whoopsie, did it again. Sorry. sweatdrop So, how was your day? I'm running out of things to say here...uhhh...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! xd Wait, no, wrong again...ehhh hehe *nervousiy laughs* *coughs* stressed Well, thank you, and goodnight folks! xd whee cheese_whine
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Wed Jul 05, 2006 @ 06:36pm · 0 Comments |
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Yep. Normal, everyday, usual stuff goin' on in the world...ugh. WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON!! THE WORLD AIN'T SUPPOSED TA BE BORING!!! WHAT THE FU**'S GOIN' ON HERE?! MY LIFE HAS DIED AND IS ROTTIN' IN HELL, AND THAT AIN'T SUPPOSED TA HAPPEN!! THAT'S JUST BULLSH**, 'CAUSE THE WORLD AIN'T SUPPOSED TA BE BORING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!! scream scream crying gonk Whoopsie, sorry 'bout that. sweatdrop Inner thoughts aren't supposed ta do that! sweatdrop Also used some colorful language there too... stressed *nervously laughs* *coughs* Well, sooo, yeah. whee *throws fireworks and dancing chickens in lederhosen around randomly, along with some barbecue-type food* HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!!! xd blaugh Yay!!!! Well, so craziness has been established and I apparently blew stuff up! smile I am pleased now! HUZZAH!!! xd whee dramallama cheese_whine Bye-bye now!
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Wed Jul 05, 2006 @ 07:17am · 0 Comments |
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Don't know what I'm talkin' 'bout. |
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Hello to all you people reading MY personal thoughts, and welcome. WELCOME TO ALL!!! HA HA!! dramallama *calms down* Sorry 'bout that...ahem*coughs* Well, now that's over with. I sometimes have moments of that kind of craziness, called "moments" (verrry original). Anyways, I've gotten over people reading these messages, because then I can reeaaallly be eeevil *giggles evilly* twisted Nah, I'm joking (or am I?). stare So, after spending sooo much time on welcoming people, I think I'm pretty sure that I'm cynical! Yea! whee 'Kay, this is my normal weirdness level. Or is it?? Mwa ha ha! cheese_whine whee Yea! I'm crazy!! *jumps on little bro for being equally crazy, then starts tickling him! yea! whee * So anyways, now that I'm done, let's get ta business. Wait, this is my business! AAAUUUURRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYYY???!!! gonk scream dramallama *calms down AGAIN* Well, business is business, so I'll go be crazy elsewhere. Now I will leave you with my favorite emtiocons. Good luck and buh-bye! cheese_whine dramallama ninja pirate mrgreen whee twisted cool scream gonk xd xp biggrin blaugh rofl 4laugh burning_eyes domokun stare stressed sweatdrop eek confused neutral smile crying wahmbulance exclaim
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Thu Jun 22, 2006 @ 04:53am · 0 Comments |
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I have no idea why you're reading this right now. Maybe you're just bored. Oh well. Hello, my name's Kiera Williams, but my friends call me Kasumi, or Kazu! You can call me by either name, I don't care. I like a varying amount of things that are just what I like. You'll find out about them, someday. lol Anyway, these journal entries will always be inconsistent. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I CAN, THAT'S WHY!! scream HA HA HA! rofl Anywho, I will say a lot of stuff that'll probably never make sense because of the fact that I can. Plus, it's fun! whee So, I don't know why you're reading MY personal thoughts, but it's okay. It's gonna be funny afterwords! whee (loves to do that) So, sit back, relax, and... uh, yeah, you're already doing that...well. smile Just read this and get it over with,'kay. OK! So, nice meeting ya! Hope we get to talk to each other in the future! Bye for now! xd
Kasumi Kitsune Elf Mage · Tue Jun 20, 2006 @ 05:47pm · 0 Comments |
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