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The time is 2:34 in the morning. My life is falling apart around me and all that I have hoped to accomplish is come crashing down. I write this on the verge of tears, something I do not think I have done in many, many years. Not felt strongly enough to cry about it when I am writing, but I have come to a realization, as powerful as it is painful.
I am ********.
Not just a little bit ********, but I am ******** in the painful way that you are ******** when you realize that no matter how hard you try, no matter how strong you think yourself, no matter how much you wish for a change. Something. Anything to change... you realize that nothing will change. Ever. Because of mistakes of the past, stupid accidents, happenings and just a domino effect of things that just went so terribly wrong that there is simply nothing left for you.
The kind of event where, even while writing this my fingers seem to be moving on auto-pilot. There is no sensation left, there is nothing to me right now, I am simply a shadow of what I was. My stomach is hollow, my eyes itch begging me to let the tears fall and hoping that if I do that the hurt will go away.
So many mistakes made in my past, so many... just... dumb ******** things I did. So many things I would like to do over again. Regrets? No... not really. Everything I did was a learning experience, everything I did was a mistake made and a new event learned about. But now? Those mistakes have dominoed to the point where there is nothing I can do now, aside from a miracle I am ********.
I am afraid.
Truly, deeply, emotionally and mentally afraid. I have gotten kicked out of my home before. Twice actually by the same man. Once because he was moving, and again because he sold the home from underneath me. Sold his son, yes... it was my father... sold his son's inheritance. With no reason given, just sold it out.
I am afraid I am coming to another event in my life like that and I cannot see a way out. I am trying to stand back up and fight back but it has been so hard lately! I have found a job I like, found people I love working with, have found a place I want to stay with... for at least until I can work for myself. I have gotten to the point where I can truly plan for a future that is no longer behind glass; idealized and hoped for only in passing. Mentioned as a whisper like it were a glass rose that would shatter if touched.
Only now... this rose has shattered before I could even touch it. I am afraid I might get kicked out of my home again... it is not much of a home, but it is all I have now. I have nowhere to go, and no way to get there. I cannot find a place to live because I cannot afford to live right now. I make $7.25 an hour... I have car insurance, and rent. I have maintence on my car I need to pay off, I have thousands of dollars in bills, each to a different family member I need to pay back, but no money with which to pay it back!
I just want to die right now. If I did not have Hollie keeping me here... I think I would simply disappear. Just, run from this state, this life and try and start somewhere else... I do not know how I would, but I would just... run.
I want to set my life in order, I want to get back together and get a career! I want to go to college, get a real education! I want to live a life I want now! But it seems that every time I try... something falls apart. I reach for that glass rose and it simply gets farther, or I bump into the case that holds it. Never able to touch it.
All because I ******** up when I was younger. Now I try and make things right, now I try and make things okay, now I try and fix what I ******** up... and I cannot even do that.
I post this here, not for a cry for attention. I am beyond that, or like to think I am. I enter this because I hope that someone can come by and help me put this s**t back in order... I know it is not possible.
I hope that my desire reaches the ears of a diety, something more than myself... because I have run out of my own steam... I need something more than just what I can do because I am out of what I am able to carry by myself.
I only hope that I can forge this desire into something strong enough to force the universe to bend a little... I just need... something to help now.
VezRoth · Fri Dec 30, 2005 @ 07:50am · 2 Comments |
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