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Some of you may have noticed. Some of you I might have already talked to. Some of you might have a good idea of what's been going on. For those of you who have been left in the dark though, I apologise. I'll try to keep this brief.
Where the hell have I been?
The good news is I'm not dead. I was not in an accident, I haven't been evicted, I haven't lost my job, I wasn't in the hospital or struck with a terminal disease. There was nothing that was physically stopping me from logging in and explaining to everyone what the hold up was. There was however a mental and emotional stoplight.
I've spent the last three months neck deep in depression. Depression is not unfamiliar to me. I was diagnosed years ago and have been battling periods of apathy since elementary school. In recent years it hasn't been as bad. Even during the last two years in which I quit my medication... except for three months ago of course.
Normally my method for coping is employing creative outlets. Art, music, and writing. Role-play in particular helps me to indulge in the few stunted emotions I have left. Not so much this time. Whisked away with all my feelings and all my drive was my creativity. Essentially I was left with an enormous writer's block. Several times I tried to write. I tried to write role-play posts, I tried to write poetry, I tried to write brain storms, I tried to write streams of consciousness. I could not form coherent sentences. It was as though I no longer understood the English language.
This was pretty much the worst case scenario.
I'll be honest, if I'm not creating something then there is no point. I don't want anything else out of life. I did not realise it until recently but as selfish as it is, my worst fear is to lose that creative spark forever. And for a while I thought I had. At first I held out, thinking I was having a temporary malfunction. I did not communicate because I kept telling myself "soon". As time passed and nothing happened though, I grew worried. Role-play partners began to contact me, looking for a response, asking if I was all right. The responsible action would have been to inform them of my situation.
Of course I didn't.
There was one emotion I clung to and that was guilt. I felt guilty for not posting, for not responding. I felt guilty too because it seemed like there was nothing I could do about the situation. I did not want to contact anyone unless I had a solution. I took to avoiding people almost completely, both online and offline. Obviously if I hid for long enough, everyone would eventually forget and I would be in the clear. Obviously.
I wish there was a life lesson in that. After all, my method for the most part seemed effective. But maybe that is the lesson. If you shut the world out long enough, the world shuts you out too. People get tired of knocking on a closed door, even if the house lights are on. I can't say if I was relieved or not when I found my doorstep empty.
I spent a month going through the motions of living. I went to work, occasionally to school, and tried to find some meaning in games, books, and television. I ate out a lot. Or I didn't eat at all. Some times, things weren't as bad as they seemed. As I found time to hang out with friends, I experienced a kind of muted happiness. Very muted. Still, I felt a little less shitty than I had before.
At the beginning of November, things began to shift. I was dragged into role-play in World of Warcraft by some friends. I won't go into the details, but I think I was lucky with the way things lined up. With a character in somewhat similar circumstances to myself (depressive, guilt-ridden, emotionally stunted) I had finally found an outlet. I began to draw again; not a lot but even a few doodles were something after that dry spell. Role-play sessions grew longer and writing became less difficult. I was however, still too plagued by my guilt to return to forums. Not to mention my creativity seemed to be selective. The few times I did attempt to make posts, my brain shut down again. I could not find my inspiration.
It was not until very recently, that I found that inspiration again. It came without warning. I had allowed my mind to wander, and suddenly found myself getting excited about characters. I remembered all my ideas, all my plans, all the directions I wanted to see them develop. As cliché as it is, it honestly felt like someone had flipped a switch in my head. I had a moment of "Oh! So, that's where it all went!"
It was very hard to focus on work that day.
Now... to the present. While my creativity has returned I'm still struggling a little bit. My writing muscles have grown flabby and I'm having to relearn how to use certain parts of my brain. So, posts might come slowly. I promise you they will come though! RP is my lifeblood!
Green Minuet · Tue Nov 25, 2014 @ 12:22am · 0 Comments |
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