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[x] I've hurt myself on purpose...
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

I knew that in the past, she'd had a hard time, and that she'd hurt herself, but, now I'm afraid that she still might, or that she'll become depressed again. And, worse yet - that it will be my fault. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, I lied when I took the quiz. I have also, I've tried also, but it just kills me to think of her being in pain. It just hurts me so much, and I'm afraid. I just can't handle the thought of her being in pain because of me.

I think I'm going to be sick. I'm so cold. I'm really sick. I need to see a doctor now. It's so damn cold.

Hooonoes. Another enormous argument with my mother. For ignoring me, and being irresponsible, and lots of resentment for not owing up to her mistakes...<i>ever</i>. And...I overreacted as usual, but she doesn't even acknowledge me unless I completely overexagerate the problem anyway, so...small wonder.

And, err, at base...I suppose the reason I resent her so much is that I feel somewhat betrayed by her apparent hypocracy. She'll have a completely cavalier attitude towards...everything one moment, and, if anything is bothering her in the slightest she begins criticizing and denying any of her own flaws, and becomes completely unreasonable to the point where it isn't even worth it to try and reason with her, and you have to emphatically state what she has done <i>with</i> evidence. When she cannot possibly deny that, yes, she just did in fact tell a colossal lie she will begin to cry in order to cop out of it. I don't care. I think crying make others feel sympathy for you, in fact, so that they will do so to a degree where <i>I</i> am incriminated for it, is a despicable thing.

I also feel extremely resentful of the fact that she just had my Grandmother examined, and she's being treated for depression. By a psychiatrist. And she's taking medicine for aching associated with depression. My grandmother who's <i>completely</i> ignorant of the world around her. Who, by simply not knowing nor doing anything, is demonstrating manic depression and needs to seek treatment for it. If sitting in a room doing nothing for hours could be considered an affectation of the depressed, then it can be marked evidence that my mother must have held me in contempt to the degree where she purposely ignored my own depression. Well, that might be a bit harsh. It was obvious, though. It was more than obvious, through middle school, and that freshman year of highschool. My entire persona absolutely screamed social incompetence. I had a sign, it was called "SAD". I waved it when I would skip lunch because I was afraid of confronting the cashier, or ask other people to do things like get a piece of paper for me, because I was petrified of people watching me stand up and pick up a piece myself. It's somewhat unhealthy for a 14 year old to cease sleeping and adopt self-destructive tendencies such as going for days without eating anything and drinking only coffee. It isn't a good thing when your young teenage son is thrown into fits of shaking and chills because you bring up people who have hurt him. Usually that's indicative of a problem. It was so damn hard just to <i>attempt</i> to function as a person again after that. My grandmother does nothing. She just expects other people to pity her, and my mother paid attention to her depression over years of mine.

I'd also like to completely discredit my mother for using "I went to sleep late" as an excuse for not waking up untill noon, and being, we'll say...a closet deadbeat.

I was expected to function for years on no sleep at all. When I comment on my insomnia, it becomes my fault. Because I wanted to slowly die of sleep deprivation.

<i>I have to admit to myself that I somewhat did at one point.</i>

But it's a rediculous double standard. I'm tired of having my work criticized, my motivation criticized. It'd be too much work for my mother to take another breath, given the same circumstances. I don't care if she got four hours of sleep last night. I got two. And I had nightmares the entire time.

That was awkward to write, I do feel a little bit better, though. And, at least I'm the only one who's likely to ever read it. I wonder if I'll get a rediculous amount of Gaian gold for being emo.

Personal feelings time. So, then...awkward.

I didn't feel well today, so I had to struggle with my parents for about an hour to be able to stay home. It was an actual "Michael doesn't feel well" day, and not a "Michael is afraid to be around other people and responsibilities" day. And, this entails listening to them make rude comments about me when I go back to bed. I'm trying not to take it too personally, though, since they certainly seem to bicker a lot. I guess they...enjoy bickering? Personally, it puts me on edge, and then <i>I</i> tend to start snapping at people.

But, it's not such a bad day. I'm going to relax and do my homework for the rest of the day. I read another few chapters in the book Hannah lent me this morning. It could use better character development, but the dialogue's quite good, and I'm enjoying the book overall. Funny how you'd think the two would accompany each other...