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The title's exactly the truth.. I flew into Japan yestarday, and the person who was suppose to pick me up never showed. Truth be told, I already figured he wouldn't, he told me he didn't want to see me.. However.. I still had hope I guess...
Thing about that is.. He told me he'd talk to me again before I left, to let me know how he's feeling, and if he'd possibly changed his mind... And I was stood up.. The three days before my trip, I sat at my computer for every waking moment, waiting for him.. And he never showed up to talk to me..
So... I'm worried about him.. And myself.. I don't have enough money to afford to stay in this hostel the entire time I'm in Japan... I just hope to god he'll come on.. And contact me.. And give me a place to stay. Because I have nowhere.
I know why he doesn't want to face me.. But I was thinking about it... He was his best friend... What would he think if he found out his best friend turned his back on me, and left me alone in a foreign country, with no one to turn to? What would he think if he knew I was treated this way by his best friend? He wouldn't want it.. I don't care what I want.. Or what he was.. I care about what he would have wanted.. And I know he wouldn't have wanted me lost, and alone like this..
Even though I had a forwarning.. I still feel so abandoned.... I sit in my hostel room, nearly in tears every minute.. Not that I'm not enjoying my trip, Japan is amazing, and I've barely even done anything yet... But still.. I'm here for him, and now I can't even see him because his best friend won't let me. Won't help me.. And didn't even tell me where he's been laid to rest.. I can't even go see it for myself, because I don't know where it is..
I'm frustrated.. Sad.. hurt... And alone..
[ Rufus ] · Sun Oct 29, 2006 @ 03:02am · 3 Comments |
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Because I can't get a hold of anyone of my friend's in Japan. Especially the ones that are suppose to be picking me up at the airport! crying I'm leaving in less than a week, and I can't get a hold of a SINGLE ONE OF THEM!
WTF AM I TO DO OTHER THAN EXPLODE!?
[ Rufus ] · Sat Oct 21, 2006 @ 08:47am · 0 Comments |
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Moving on. Not an option, because I don't want it to be. |
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Many things have been happening..
But the most troublesome is this constant egging for me to move on.
I don't want to move on! Stop pressuring me to do so just because you have feelings for me!
It's so selfish..
Just let my heart stay where it wants, with him.
I don't care if he's gone. I don't care if he's never coming back. I don't care about any of that. What I care about, is him. That's it. So just leave it at that, please.
I'm going to see him this November.. I wonder what it'll be like..
I hope to see the b*****d who hurt him too... I'll ******** kill that son of a b***h if I lay eyes on him...
Forgive my language..
I'll be gone for a bit more than a month. October 27th to December 6th. I'm very excited. I don't know enough Japanese to make my way around on my own, so I'll be relying on Tetsuya and Jay a lot. -^_^-;; I hope they don't end up hating me by the time I leave. razz They're both very nice people.
I haven't gotten to talk to Jay much, but from what I have, he's very nice, and I like him. He makes Tetsuya very happy, they care about eachother a lot.
And Tetsuya, my Tetsu-kun ( razz ), Words can't express how awesome you are. You're so understanding, and you help me in so many ways.. I think you're the only person I know that's not pressuring me to move on from Jem.. I really thank you for that.. It's a relief that at least one person accepts the feelings I have, instead of telling me to get over it. You're very kind.. I'll try my best not to be a burden during my stay..
[ Rufus ] · Sat Jul 08, 2006 @ 07:40pm · 4 Comments |
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I made new friends.. Not too long ago... And... I thought we had grown really close.. I did.. Apparantly I was wrong.. They were close to me.. I cared for them deeply.. I opened up to them.. I thought we were good friends.. But in hard times.. The truth was shown to me..
Hours I spent.. Never sleeping.. Many sleepless nights.. Worrying.. Awaiting their return.. And then finally when sleep would take over and I would literally just pass out from lack of sleep.. That would be the times I would miss them.. Those would be the times they would return, or when they would show themselves.. The times when I was gone.. I'd miss it by a few minutes, or an hour.. I thought I was close to them.. But apparantly I wasn't.. Not a single message from them.. An 'I'm okay' a simple little message.. No.. Nothing. I wasn't as important to them as I thought I was.. Not important enough to let me know they were alright.. As much as I begged... Not a word..
Everyone has their precious person.. But.. Where's mine..?
Through it all, I did make a friend.. A friend that I was as close to him, as he was to me... Someone that genuinely cared about me.. Someone I loved.. Someone.. I wanted to spend my life with, even if it was as nothing more than a friend.. So I could take care of him.. And be there for him.. I loved him very much.. But that friend was taken from me.. Only a few weeks ago.. Fate decided to remind me that I was destined to be alone..
Destined to be alone.. As pathetic as it sounds.. If you know me personally... You'd know it is indeed very possible.. No friends.. Nothing but a computer.. I sit here in my room.. Shivering from the cold even though the heater's on.. Tears streaking down my cheeks, the only time I can ever manage to let out my true emotions.. The only time I'm actually able to cry...
Is when I'm alone..
[ Rufus ] · Mon Dec 05, 2005 @ 11:38am · 1 Comments |
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"Tell me what I'm doing wrong
Anything but this silence
Please, please don't shut me out
I hate this
Not knowing whether
We're broken friends
Or we just need a break
Just tell me what you want
And I'll cross mountians and rivers to get it done for you. "
.... I love you.
[ Rufus ] · Tue Nov 29, 2005 @ 09:51am · 5 Comments |
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