You know, we finally put up our six-foot fake tree today... And a bit of lights around the house...Finally feels a bit like Christmas to me.
But you know, then it all went away. Everything just crashed to the ground. That feeling, you know, the warm feeling you get when you see that beautiful Christmas tree there, lighted and decorated with baubles and shiny things... Well, it's gone. For me, there is no warmth. No comfort in my bed, no love radiating from the tree. No help from the family, and most of all, no family. That's what it feels like. That empty feeling you get when you know you are alone. The emptyness you find in the cold moonless winter night. Nothing feels like it should anymore. Because my family is falling apart. We used to be so close, and now, we're arguing like we're enemy cities. I remember that when I was little. I remember the warmth that filled me when I woke up Christmas morning, went out to see what was in my stocking, then waiting for mum and dad to get up. I guess this is what it's like to grow up. To grow up too fast. To get older and older. To live life too goddamn fast.
And you know what, ******** Christmas. That's what it's supposed to be about, FAMILY. Nothing else. And if I can't have family for Christmas, why should I have anything? Why should I care at all? Why should I feel at all?
So you know, I'm just gonna go in my room, sit there for a little, probably cut a few times, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. Unless I'm forced to do something else... Then it'll just be postponed until later.
Kit-suri · Tue Dec 19, 2006 @ 12:19am · 0 Comments |