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So, for the past few weeks... or months... I can't remember how long it's been; I've been ignoring Mariana. Why? Because, I realized that I cannot be 'just friends' with her. I found myself being so annoyed and fustrated with her that I finalyl just called a quits, and left her.
Yey for me and my broken heart.
It was rough at first. My day was usually incomplete. Then came the nights where I would just cry. Finally, I stopped doing that, and came to terms with what I had done. I got a haircut and went shopping and started going out more.
I almost made it.
But of course, I think too much for my own good. And I've been thinking about her, more so every day.
Rene says I should try to just be her friend again. He said she's made up her desicion and wants only a relationship with boys, and to mess around with girls.
I'm better than any BOY she'll ever meet...
But, she fails to see that. And, although I realize that she's no good for me, I can't help but have such a strong wanting for her.
We won't work out.
It's impossible.
And yet, a small part of me wants me to go to her door, drop down at her feet, and beg her to give me another chance.
She won't take me though. She'll have me back as a friend. She won't have any relations with me. I know her well enough to know that she actually does care about me, and won't want to hurt me like that.
But I wonder how long she could hold her hormones in tact...
But, that's beside the point. I couldn't take knowing she was with someone else... some guy. Some guy I don't know. He's probably doing it all wrong...
It tears me apart, knowing that there's someone else... many others, doing things with her than I find sacred. It's not fair.
And so, I did something stupid.
I went to her facebook, and looked at her profile.
Her picture... it's killing me. She's so damn beautiful. How the hell did I let that go?!
Now I'm mad at myself. I don't love her. I lust for her. I can admit that. I'm not IN love with her. But I do love her as more than a friend.
So ******** up.
My barrier is breaking. Rene says just talk to her, and to live it through. He thinks it's easy. He did the same thing with Marlen. But he has a new girlfriend, a girlfriend who treats him right and who's there for him. I don't have that. All I have are broken pieces and no one to put them back together.
He'll be fine. He'll get over Marlen with Cristina's help. She'll help him heal, whether he stays with her or not.
Why can't I find that?
Why is it, that I'm about to make a big mistake, and talk to Mariana?
... I need to see April... she'll know what to do. Well, maybe not, but she'll do her job: tell me what to do.
That's what I need. Someone to tell me what to do. I'm broken, dependant on someone who isn't there. I need someone to beat me upside down and tell me what to do.
And so we go...
 Spaniard The Last Angel · Wed Mar 10, 2010 @ 05:24am · 0 Comments |
