Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

we are back together! it's been about two or three months since the break and i've never been happier. i moved out of my dad's house and into my grandmother's. everything seems to be getting back on track and the train is beginning to move. in other words, i'm moving on with my life.

life isn't fair.

death of your loved ones explains it all. sometimes i wonder why my mother died and i didn't. sometimes i wonder why my heart is breaking and others are still in tact. when you fall for someone... instead of that person catching you, you "hit the pavement". hopes and dreams demolished. open promises constantly being broken. does anything ever go right?

bloodshot eyes... swollen shut from all the pain that's spilled out thru your tears. constant wishing of pleasantries that don't come true. reaching for stars that don't exist. crying out to your "heros" that won't come to rescue you. constant disappointments right at your fingertips........

What else is there?

Rock Bottom

the past is not what haunts me
it's the pain that lies within
my strengths are what set me free
from my immortal sin
i'm afraid to let my guard down
even though i care
the feeling that i'm gonna drown
will soon be just another tear
the smiles that i always show
can seem to be so fake
deep inside there's a subtle glow
that comes with every breath i take
hitting rock bottom has never felt like this
cus my heart has vanished and that i will not miss
i stay alone in my mind
for i feel i am not worthy to find....
the fire that burns deep inside
are the flames that destroy
why is it you insist
on playing with me like i'm a toy
i'm not made of stone
i do break sometimes
but now you are gone
and i begin to hide
the walls raise up
my strength dies down
my safety blanket keeps me from hitting the ground

well i talked to my bf and he's not mad anymore. we talked on the phone when i was at my friend's house for about an hour and 15 mins....

umm, there really was no point for my dad to ask what i wanted to do this summer because he chose for me even though it wasn't what i had in mind.

and, my dad hasn't said anything about the fight we got into. maybe he's gotten the point.

to make a long story short, i stood up to my dad (kinda, i just made him realize that i'm sick of him negative comments), i got in a fight with one of my best friends and my bf. and just recently my bf is mad at me. we'll see what happens

ME


my heart beats faster everyday
stresses felt ovewhelm me
just wanting to be alone
in my world i'm satisfied in my nirvana
my world is my way of letting go
i enter through my thoughts
some confusing
others angry
most just there

this is how i live my life
eyes shut tight
teeth clenched even tighter
body tense with fury
despite all the smiles and laughter
i'm another person
secluded from this world

looking for love and affection
i dwell in my past,
hoping for an answer.
visions and secrets fill my mind
passion and heartache are what hurt
family and friends depress me
creations are what capture me
i'm breaking down
i feel like deteriorating in thin air
but i regenerate with thoughts of others

i can't help it
i need to be me
no one knows the truth
of me that is hidden from the light
the light of others
no one knows what will truly shine
the truth reveals itself in due time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PAST IS CATCHING UP TO ME


The pain that died within my heart, is coming to life again
I live with all that's regretted, and now i live in pain
His smile chases my heart each day,
His eyes watch my every move
His warmth and protection are at my fingertips
But in my world it's out of reach
Time is my enemy in every way...
Whatever I do is never enough...
I wear his heart around my neck,
In hope of another chance
But my greatest test is gaining his trust,
Where it means the most...
The past is catching up to me with every step i take...
Failing to prevail over my fears is not the only restraint...
But knowing HOW is the question to my fate...

today wasn't that bad. it's the last day of school before thanksgiving break begins. at school there was a party in shop (hvac) i think we were the only ones to have one too. not only that but it was a half day too. then towards the end of the day there was a volleyball game (teachers and faculty vs. seniors) of course the teachers always win because they CHEAT but that's not the point. the point is, i had FUN today and i'm happy but the only thing that is wrong about today is that i'm at home and my bf is in bridgeport. i miss him. (eww that is mushy) oh well. lol.... this entry isn't as long as the other one but oh well it's an update.

today at school was the blood drive and to tell you the truth i was scared. i was so nervous i did a part of one of my projects in shop backwards. lol. as the day went by i became more and more nervous. eventually i decided to ask my boyfriend's teacher if i could steal him from class for a few minutes so he could keep me calm while they insert the needle. (the teacher said it was ok)
he was only supposed to be gone for maybe 15 minutes at the most and it eventually turned into 2 hours. we had to wait in the gymnasium the whole time. his teacher sent two of his classmates to find him because he had to get back to work in his shop; when his friends found him they decided to let him stay. i honestly think that if he left right then i wouldn't have gone through with the whole process. he stayed with me during the whole thing.
i almost yelled at one of the nurses because they almost kicked him out, but i told them that he's not going anywhere, they let him stay. when it was my turn to do the paper work i had to answer a bunch of questions and then i had to get my finger pricked. once that was done i was sent over to the table with all the packages for the pouches and test tubes for the blood. i asked him to hold it for a second and he eventually admitted that i have bigger "balls" than he does. lol. he was surprised that i was going through with it, he was a big baby (lol) and said that he's never giving blood just because he found out how much they were gonna take. (this was my first time too)
now it's the time for me to get set up and stuff, i laid down on the table and in my perspective it reminded me of seeing my dad watching my mother on her death bed (she died when i was 9 from A-plastic anemia), i looked up at my boyfriend and started to tear up.(i told him what i was thinking about of course) and he started to comfort me my grabbin my hand. eventually the doctor or nurse came over and started the IV. he looked down at me and asked multyple times if i was going to be ok. he didn't want to leave me there and go back to class without knowing that i was going to be ok. they started syphoning the blood and then i told him i was going to be fine and to go because he was going to get in soo much trouble from his teacher (a total time of 2hrs and 15mins), when i convinced him to go back i motioned to him to come down to my level, i gave him a kiss and watched him walk out the door.
when they finished i laid there for a bit and then got up and they gave me juice and crackers. i honestly felt kinda stoned at the same time. that feeling had eventually worn off and now it's left me feeling exhausted. i think i'm going to fall asleep soon. well after i take a shower and get ready for bed.
i think when i see him tomorrow, i'm going to give him the biggest hug ever. even though he knows that i'm thankful he doesn't know how good it felt to have him by my side the whole time. especially when i was that scared. i don't think i've been that open with someone where i've let them see me go through so many emotions with that amount of time. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH>