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I know nobody reads this. Which is what makes this good. I want to rant, but if I do anywhere else, people won't be happy. Whatever.

I'm a shy person. It's really hard for me to talk to new people, and even harder to become friends with them. I mean, most of the time when somebody talks to me, I just kind of space out thinking "why is this person talking to me? I'm not their friend. They don't know what I'm like" which I acknowledge is really stupid. But I can't help it. I try not to do it, but it doesn't work.

But, of course, I'm different around my friends. I like to be loud and obnoxious (in a controlled way - I know when to stop so as not to get in trouble or anything) and I think I'm a lot more fun like that. But, I'm not always like that. The reason I'm friends with the people I am is because I can also seriously talk to them.

So where is this going? I've been to anime conventions for several years now. Coming up is my second time at Reactor (I missed one year because I was sick) and my 5th year at Acen. I love the idea of being surrounded by people with the same interests. And I thought, that if anywhere, I'd be able to make friends there. You need to understand, I'm a very invisible person. I've been on Gaia for a coupe years now, and I really haven't made a single good friend. I acknowledge the fact that I never post anymore, so I understand that. But even back in the day when I posted a lot? Nothing. Most of the time, when I post in a thread, it dies. It's like that everywhere I go. At the FVT, people would come up and talk to my friends. But not me. I would try to join in, but I'd just kinda be phased out. I guess there's something unapproachable about me. I don't see why. I'm just a normal person o_O

And I used to be upset about that. Because I wanted friends who I could talk to anime about. I mean, most of my friends like anime. But it's fun to get new opinions. That's why I was looking forwards to the anime club last year, which was a huge letdown. At the club; at conventions; I've never found anybody to talk to. I'm sure there's somebody out there who thinks like me; who I could talk to; but I have yet to run into said person.

But now, I really don't care. I've come to realize, conventions (and gaia itself) is full of people I just don't want to be friends with. Whether it be obsessive fangirls (not just Inu Yasha, but any series) or elitists complaining about dubs and adult swim or whatever, or people saying everyone at their anime club is a nerd, or Asians complaining how Americans are ruining what anime stands for. I don't want to be friends with somebody like that. And can you blame me?

I'm not saying I'm better than all those people. I'm saying, I'm not like them. I'm saying they're not what I'm looking for in a friend.

So I've come to realize that. And it's actually really disappointing. You would think anime fans would be able to get along better, because there's so few in some areas. I mean, anime is anime, shared interests are good, right? Well, no. I mean, anime isn't looked down upon too badly at my school. And yet there's at least four different groups of anime fans. One is my group, a collection of junior girls who refer to ourselves as the fangirls/fanfolk for a lack of creativity. There's a group of seniors who I don't really know that well. There's another group of people, some juniors, some seniors, who on occasion associate themselves with my group. I'm ok with some of them, but most of them are not the kind of people I want to know. Then there's... well, I don't know what's going on with the sophomores or freshman. Oh, I forgot, in my group, there is one sophomore girl as well. yeah.

Anyhow, that reminds me of another thing I really don't like about a good lot of anime fans. They're all a bunch of sluts. I really don't understand it. Ok, maybe sluts isn't the word of choice, but whores. It's like, they go up to somebody, and it's like "hi, I watch anime you watch anime lets have sex" Nope, that's not somebody I'd want to know. Sorry, maybe I'm judging them. I'm sure they could be nice people. Heck, they probably are. But it bothers me. So call me shallow. I don't care what people call me anymore.

anyhow, I've come to realize that I don't fit in with most anime fans. And to be honest, I'm ok with that. I have my friends, and I have my blog where I can rant. I really wish people would read it, but I guess I'm not that lucky.

and to conclude? I've found that for the most part, I fit in pretty well with my fellow nerds at math team. But it upsets me. A lot of new people joined this year, who aren't nerds at all. I have no clue why they even came; they don't like math. But a good lot of them are quitting, so it'll be back to my math nerds again. And you know what? Say what you want, but nerds are actually a lot of fun. And I'm not talking as is "ooh math is so exciting hahahaha".

So what's the point of this post? figure it out yourself.

Hey, just wanted to mention that I watched the last episode of Elfen Lied. I changed my opinion of Mariko some, but still, what she did before was not excusable for any reason. Sorry, ya screwed yourself over, girl. But I felt really bad for Nana. However, I felt that Kurama took Mariko because he knew she was going to be killed. Then why did he take her? Because he was responsible for so much pain, for everyone. He felt guilty. That's why. I dunno.

Point is, I love the series. I'm gonna buy Elfen Lied... some day... >.< When I get money. It's too good to pass up. yup yup

YAY!

I have not written in here in ages. But I need to rant. And this seems like the ideal place. Trust me, it is, I have my reasons.

Ok, so today, I watched most of the second half of Elfen Lied. I still gotta watch like, the last episode or two, but I really gotta rant some... Yeah, so as the title says, there's a ton of spoilers, so if you haven't seen it, don't read.

I dunno, I really like the series. But it's just... oi... First things first, the opening is just amazingly fitting. I absolutely love it. The ending? I hate it. Totally kills the mood. Elfen Lied can put me in a good angsty mood. I like that. I'm an abnormally happy person. I don't need more happyness. I need angst.

The diclonius. They were born to wipe out humanity. What proof of that is there, honestly? Perhaps there is. They're trying to make a place for themselves amidst a world where nobody will accept them because they are different. They're s'posed to wipe out the bad qualities, perhaps, but even Lucy had no intentions to kill people at first. She said the people were inhuman, not her. It's true. The poor dog... what had it done? nothing... but it was killed because that made her suffer. And she wasn't normal, so she should suffer. no, it's not right.

To be honest, I don't like Lucy that much. She killed people so she had a place to stay. She killed everyone because Kouta had lied. He lied to make her feel better, if you ask me. She decided he didn't like her, so she killed everyone. To make a place for herself. She kills everyone. A place among the corpses... who'd want a place there?

Nana...? she's ok. I like her, I guess. She just keeps trying. I'm hoping she's not dead, but I know she's not because that doesn't seem fitting. Yet that itself makes part of me want her to be dead to break the mold and make Elfen Lied even better than it is. But no, I like Nana.

...Number 35... makes me sick. everything about her. When you first see her, you feel bad. She's in a huge tomb, has been there all her life. She's skin and bones, can't even walk. She collapses. Saitou rushes to her side. Welcome Mariko, do you recognize me? You're not my mother. She deserved it. I think. Number 35 is a special case. I hate her. She's just sick. But still, I have to wonder. Would she be that way if she had been treated better? If the humans would accept the diclonius, would humanity die? It's impossible to tell. But from what I can see, I hate her. Innocent and cute looking, in a wheel chair, you feel bad. Yet torturing Nana because she's the only person she can kill, wanting more, more pain, more blood. No. I hate her.

The diclonius aren't meant to kill humanity. Humans will be responsible for their own downfall. Capturing the diclonius, the "testing" they do. It's inhumane. They want to be accepted, not tortured, not tested to see what makes them different. Not bound, unable to move their whole life, not test subjects, seeing how strong they can be, if they'll take orders, or if they need bombs implanted in their bodies. They want a home. A family. I can understand where they're coming from, killing them at birth so they won't need to suffer later on. But that defeats hope. When it's your own daughter, could you really kill her, rather than work hard to help her? Which do you choose? I couldn't imagine killing a child of mine. But it's hard. When hope is bleak, maybe it would be doing the child a favor, to kill it painlessly, rather than let it suffer for years. But no, I can't imagine either.

It's hard. Can you see why this makes me sick? Why I think of that dog, and want to cry? Nope, nobody can quite understand how I think... Maybe, that's why it's better that people don't read my journal... >.<

okies, so like, I haven't posted here in forever... o_O I've been posting in my blog thing-a-ma-jig.

anyhow... yeah... my current obsessions: X-Japan, hide, and X-Day. ^_^;;; Yeah, I've read X-Day before, but oi. Love it. And X-Japan and hide are just awesome. I haven't listened to any of hide's solo work yet, but oi. They just rock. And watching the Last Live, it's soooo touching... ^_^;;;

anyhow, yeah, check out the blog...

umm, here's my life:

Friday: had to go to school cuz I missed a lot from mono ^_^ afterwards, stocked up on pocky, went home, waited for my dad to get home, and went to Acen to register. Got there are 7:15-ish, and was there for two hours, 35 minutes... nice... afterwards, we went home cuz it was late. Got White Castle... >.< dunno what I was thinking...

Saturday: me favorite day, as usual. Got up, got into my Red XIII costume, and was on my way. Not too many people took my picture, but heck, I didn't expect anyone to... >.< It's kinda funny... this guy in the con suite came up to me and said, "I have to ask, are you a red cow?" and I was like "...actually, I'm Red XIII from Final Fantasy 7". umm, lessee... walked around the dealer's room a lot, but didn't buy anything. Met up with a few friends in the Artist's Alley, sat around with them for a bit, then I met up with a couple other peoples. We had a hugging contest, as we did last year. Once again, I lost. ^_^;;; It was rather short though, but they had to leave for the masquerade, so umm... oh, me and my boyfriend went to the con suite, then left, and found the people we had been hanging out with earlier. Made our way back to the con suite, picked up a few extra peoples on the way, and sat around talking and crap. But then I had to go... >.< kinda sucks, but eh...

So then comes Sunday: wake up, throw together my school girl outfit. The skirt used to be my mom's, but I hemmed it up properly last night, and it is so friggen uber now... go figure... so anyhow, we leave for Acen, listen to Dir en Grey on the way cuz I forgot my Phantasmagoria CD... actually, I have no clue where I left that... I gotta find it... so anyhow, we get there, go to the dealer's room. I got myself a yaoi headband, got my mom kitty ears and a bell which I made her put on, umm, a fancy Chinese style shirt for my little sister, and a Domo-kun shirt for my younger brother who wasn't at the con. It just hit me now that I should have looked for the Loveless manga in Japanese... >.< anyhow, yeah, I wanted to get this Phantasmagoria poster, but it was $25... I'm like, come on, I'll pay 5 bucks for a poster at most... it's a big sheet of paper... but oh so pretty... so then me and my boyfriend go to the con suite, hoping to find some friends there. No luck, so we go downstairs to the gameroom, and there ya go... I tell ya, there's like a rule that says, if someone you know is at a con, you will find them. So we ride the elevator all the way up to like, the 10th floor, and then went back down. Then he had to go, so I went upstairs with my boyfriend looking for something to do. this guy who had voted for me in the hugging contest yesterday came and he and ...his girlfriend, perhaps, asked for hugs. I swear, I saw him at Acen last year too... anyhow, yeah, then we had to go, so I got home and did stuffs and yeah...

Yeah, sorry for making this so long... ^_^;;;

nobody reads it anyhow ^_^;;;

Ein was looking up my skirt, go figure. Anyhow, I gotta get to bed now, so I'll write more later-ish... ^_^

as Acen draws nearer... I finally got started on my costume. Yes, I will be properly (I hope) cosplaying this year. As who, you ask...? Red XIII. Yes. I repeat, Red XIII. Yes, it is possible, and yes, I will be doing it, and yes, it'll be really cool ^_^;; I hope...

yeah, that's all fun... I'm tired... >.< I'm gonna be going to bed soon, cuz I'm baking my mom a cake in the morning to surprise her with... that'll be fun... >.< it'll go well, I hope.. I'm not too good with cakes... oh well, I'll make due... anyhow, I must be on my way... ^_^;;;

DEATH NOTE 60!

*spasms*

SO GOOD!

*spasms*

I get outta school early cuz of testing... yay...

*spasms*

I WANT MORE!!! crying

sorry, rather obsessive here... I think that's it... that made my day...

yo, it's me again!

yeah, so Great America was very +++

I got on Vertical Velocity four times... First time I go on, the thing finishes, and they're like, you guys missed the best part, wanna go again? so... naturally, I did... ^_^;;; I went on a bunch of other stuffs, but lots of it was closed on and off throughout the day...

You know what's sad...? I didn't go on Superman cuz I would have been waiting in line for maybe 15 minutes. I thought it was too long. That's pathetic! But, I love it. I mean, when you're used to waiting maybe five minutes max, yeah, you get kinda impatient...

Oh, and I played Pump It Up... As an avid DDR player, I must say, it was odd. I managed to kind of get the hang of it after playing for a while, but I still got confused at times... I see arrows and they correspond with DDR arrows, and well, there were no buttons there... >.<

Anyhow, gotta go now...

whee, I be happy...

1. We got new hamsters yesterday cuz all of our... 11 old ones... died... They're like, uber cute... We got this really small one (not a dwarf hamster though) that's all brown and looks like a little mouse. It has been appropriately named Psychoham. The other one is bigger, light brown, and has white spots. It hasn't been named yet, so I'm just calling it Spot for now and hoping my little sister will grow to like the name so it can be made official.

2. I'm going to Six Flags Great America today. For free. And it hasn't even opened yet. ^_^ Gotta love CDW... Oh, it's kinda cold around here, but I dun care. I love Great America. Kinda worried about my spleen though, but eh, I'll live.

3. I've gotten a crapload of more manga... Lots of it is yaoi, so that's always fun, right? Some of it's doujinshi, others are real manga, and well, to be frank, yaoi makes me happy. End of story... ^_^

4. I got a puzzle yesterday. Totally mixed feelings about that. You see, I hate puzzles. With a passion. Yet if I have one, I have to finish it. And I have one. And it's not finished yet. So I should really go finish that now... >.<

Well, that's all for now, I guess... ^_^