I was full, until you found me. You took some things away, but gave back other things in return. With you came a Darkness, one I had never felt before. I'm pretty sure it was the kind when you feel overwhelmed by everything. I tryed to push it away at first, but then I embraced it as I cut it into my skin. There are purpleish, redish, pinkish lines to remind me of that overwhelmed Dark feeling. As I began to fight the Darkness once more, longing once again to return to the Light, I started dreaming and thinking once more. I figured out that you were my One. The One person in life who will love me for me, and who I can love in return. You are also my Guide. You are all knowing, I know nothing. I think I may know things, but I don't. They are just figures of my Imagination, like the Dreams I have inside. I longed for Life. I had it, in a manner of speaking. I wasn't living, just existing. You showed me how to live again. You gave me the courage I needed to pull myself out of the Hole that was my Darkness. But then you hurt me. You gave me back my weapon, after my insistant begging finally got to you, I guess. With it, I inked in the Darkness again for the final time. Only four, that's not so bad. I'm sorry. Then I did what I believed I couldn't ever do. I succesfully fought it on my own. I'm still fighting, fighting the odd urges to bring back the Darkness. In some part of me deep down, I feel like I am a beautiful goddess of the Dark. I am everything that you didn't want me to be. I am also a dreamer, and I forever will be. I dream of things that happened before. I dream of what to come. I wish things were different, but I am also thankful for the way things are. Nothing can ever go exactly the way we want. The Dark is a necessary tool for growth that must posess us each in turn, and leave a mark on us. The marks cannot always be seen. Some are deep inside. Nothing can be fully green. There has to be some black and grey beside the green. Withought the grey and black, it's not real. It's like a dream. Dreams are nice, because in them pain isn't real. But neither is the Light in that dream. They are an escape from a cruel reality, an evil breakaway from the blessed Life we know is burried deep beneath the darkness. Sometimes I think I hate you for the Darkness you brought to me, but I don't. I love you for it. It helped me grow, and change. It helped me slightly understand. Now I am almost rid of it, and I can finally see the Light once again. People often wonder what the meaning of Life is. No one ever knows, and they never will. It is different for each of us. The only frustrating thing is that you can only find out right before you die, when your Life flashes before your eyes. Then from it you can draw a final conclusion. And that is your Meaning. The reason you are here. I am the dreamer, you are the knower. You are all-knowing, and I am your student. Maybe someday you will teach me everything you know. Or maybe I need to learn on my own. I will still love you, but we all have our own individual searh for self. Individual means on our own. You will be with me, in my heart... but I will be physically alone. I'll be dancing with the faeries in my forrest of dreaming, where I came from. That is where I will go when I die. I will die after I have fulfiled my purpose. I'm not sure what that is yet. I have to find out on my own. I won't give up. Ever. I am still fighting to forget the past. I can't be this. I look in the mirror, and I see the marks of my struggle. And then I remember. The cold metal of a razorblade as I dragged it accross my soft, warm skin. A few seconds later, blood appears. The sign that I was still alive and fighting. A sigh of relief. It's over for today. I crawl into my bed to dream, my escape. It was stupid of me. Cowardly. I'm not afraid anymore to live. I want to. I think I'm supposed to do it on my own, but I might have to ask for a bit of help. In many ways, you are me. When I look in the mirror, I see you. I also see me.
You are my saviour. The green angel of my darkness. I will forever cherish and love you, no matter how or where I end up.
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Nefandus
Ink in the Darkness to find the Light.
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I'm a Rose stuck in a field of lavender.
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