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Ok so there's alot to say ummmm my ex and I are now friends and all chummy now and I love that. I have a new bf named Ty who's grounded at the moment. My friend Luke has a huge crush on me and I think I like him too but it's complicated. I'm gonna be a junior in high school and in three choirs ugh! Ummmm I'm returning back to my old ways of unhappiness and razor blades and tears of blood wootage rolleyes I'm just unhappy but I can't figure out why. I have everything I have ever wanted; a dad, friends that really care about me, and a boyfriend that's good for me and yet I'm still not happy. Maybe nothing is good enough for me...I just can't understand it and neither can my friends. I seem happy all the time but I'm not and I don't know why....I wanna be happy, I really do but I think I forgot how to be happy...My sister came back into my life and I'm thankful, but I feel like I don't even know her anymore....maybe knowing I'll never live up to how perfect everyone thinks tusami is is what I really am unhappy about or that I still hold a grudge or maybe she does? I just can't seem to be good enough for her and I look up to her and idlize her to a high extent for the longest time i wanted to be her and sometimes I think I still do. Everyone loves Tusami but everyone loves to make fun of Ami because Ami isn't the sharpest tool in the shed... crying I always was made fun of because i looked somewhat like her but I never could mimic the brains. I proved that today when her guy friend and her ganged up on me today....sometimes I wish i could mimic the brains and then everyone would love me too. I think she doesn't try to purposely make me feel stupid, I don't know about Tim though I just think he hates me. I want to be Ami but for the longest time I was Tusami's shadow, it's all so confusing sometimes i don't even get it. I don't want to be her anymore atleast i don't think I do but sometimes I wish I had her attitude. I try so hard to mimic that too but what everyone doesn't know is that without all my heroes to protect me I'm helpless. I learned that with my sister, I depended on her for so long and now I have to be on my own and I'm scared. I try so hard to be strong but i'm not and i don't think she knows how much I wish i could outgrow the position of Tusami's shadow....For once I want people to remember me for me and not some shadow or a bartenders daughter or the tough chick people run to because they cause s**t and don't know how to back up their mouths. I wish I could find a way to make people see that especially my sister I want to make everyone else happy because it's the only way I know how to make myself happy...without that I don't think I can even cosider being happy. Sometimes I wish i could go back to being the b***h who didn't care. I sat in corners reading books and drawing and no one talked to me because i didn't seem important but I like having friends. It's funny i called Tim high matinence yesterday but now reading this makes me realize that I'm the high matinence one. I yearn for everyone else's happiness because of my actions and all those times I was told it was my fault eveyone left my mum and i when I was a little. If people arent happy and i can't do anything about it then I shut down because I think I failed my job, but it's not my job is it? I don't want pity I want help to understand why I feel this way about myself, why I can't stand to be just me? Why my happiness depends on everyone else's happiness and why when people finally want to know who Ami is and how Ami feels, Ami decides to shut down and she pushes what she wanted away? Am I one of those clingy people like my mum who doesn't know how to breathe or speak unless someone tells her how to? I hope I am not that kind of person and I hope that one of these days I can live up to Tusami's expectations and not continue to be her shadow.-sincerly Ami
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Community Member
Is that it Miss Lyssa? I'm going to make this as short and as sweet as I can.
I can't say that right now I don't dislike you with a passion...because I would be lieing to you if I did.... Stop trying to be me....YOU ARE NOT A TALKING PARROT OR A ******** TRAINED DOG.... The only one that Lyssa needs to look out for is Lyssa. Its not that hard, I promise. The only one you need to worry about is your self. Once you are happy you can go and look for something more.... NOTHING is going to fall out of the sky right into your lap and make you happy. you have to achieve this on your own with a lot of effort and a lot of work.
Yes I am threatening you right now, no more miss nice Sami.
Try to act like me again and I will ******** kill you.
Your "sister" still has no friends... she still doesn't talk to anyone, besides those people who are convieniently there to talk to. At the end of the day she goes home and locks herself up in her room...with as few words as " Hello....my day was fine...goodnight". For the rest of they day, she is in there sleeping, reading a book ...daydreaming like her life depened on it....and waiting for a call that may not come that day. When she goes to work she puts on the biggest smile that she can manage, so not to depress anyone else.
That has been my life for the past two years.. do you still want to be me?
Maybe Lyssa.... if you would stop acting like you are 13, pay one ioda of attention for more than 5 ******** seconds....someone might just take you seriously.
*tosses you a pair of sunglasses*
When you decide to pull your head out of your a** you'll need these , because its a very bright world out here.
I'll be waiting for you to stand beside me, because, I am not better than you, nor are you better than me. We may not be equal, but when the ******** were we in the first place?
~Sai~ ~Sami~ ~The perfect drug~ &~Satans child~
Are all waiting for you to decide what the ******** you are going to do. and make it quick, we don't have a life time.