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Phase 1: The Deep Depression
I saw a red Cardinal today. I took it as a sign for things to come. My friend told me I had a short life line anyway. No one know just how truly keen I am on things. Maybe it's my fault that I present myself wrong. I'm always being underestimated. I'm being corrected. Technically my life isn't my own. Ever since I was little I was just a being living for others benefit. I never asked I just did. Prime example of my pointlessness. I had been working hard at the carwash for Latin Club. I had been working non stop. I have an alcer in my stomach. It sometimes acts up when I'm under a load of stress. Well I was starting to go under supreme stress because only me and two other people were actually working. My teacher told me to go sit down have a water break. She saw I had been working hard. It was funny though because I told her no and that I was alright and went back to work. Heres the best part though when I actually went to take my break. I hadn't sat down for a complete two second before she called me back up. And I can't ever say no. I'd happily give away before I'd recieve anything. What really sucks about being me is the fact that my family isn't really a family. It Stephen, my half brother and my mom, then it's me heh little ms. we could give a s**t if she's here or not. I've never felt like this before. I mean I know I get a rush from being sad but this is beyond what i like. I had always comtemplated cutting. It seemed like a good alternative for other teenagers. Why not turn to alchohol? I've got a heap of options on my plate. s**t, I've even weighed the option of suicide or running away. They all sound like good options. I've always known I was born way before my time. It makes me think of one of my main reasons for not believing in God. Why does he put his people under pressure? He's a good and kindly God, eh? Not so! What kind of God would let his people suffer like this. All those catholics say that all those babies who aren't aborted have some sort of purpose. Well its obvious I don't have one. I've been here wasting my life away for people who could give a flying s**t and i haven't had a glimpse of my just rewards. I was just a mistake that had to be accepted in order to live life. That's all that your peoples God has in store for me. A VERY s**t FILLED LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this feeling........... I'm so alone...
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