I am losing it.
It, of course, being what grasp over language and communication I ever had.
I feel like I'm going blind or deaf. Metaphorically, of course. Without the ability to be able to communicate how I feel through the written and spoken languages, It is like I am losing a part of myself. I know I have never been a superb writer, the one written thing I've ever been proud of being merely a fluke. But I still liked being able to at least communicate how I felt. Or write when I was angry or sad. It was another art I could indulge in when I needed to.
That art has been long lost to me, I now realize.
So now, how do I express myself? There is music. But lately I've been dreading music class. I feel like I am failing at music. Not the class, but but just at... it. I love music so much, but I feel like I'll never equate to the talents and levels as... as others. I cannot use it to express myself for, despite my love for music, I can't play any instrument to the level of being able to play whatever I feel at the moment on it. ... See? That probably made no sense. I cannot describe it. I cannot do it.
There is visual arts. I adore that class, and even like learning about the art history. Its interesting to wonder to myself who will be the next Leonardo, the next Michelangelo, Picasso, Monet, or Rembrant of our age. Yet everytime I draw, I start to feel hopeless. Because isn't art just geometry, just math? Just lines and graphs? But thats when it starts to confuse me. When I start to not get the art anymore. Because I feel like I can't do it anymore, with all these graphs and lines. Why can't I just draw? Why must proportion be so precise?
Hmm. I've just realized the total irony of this entry. I'm blogging about how I can't communicate. How. Stupid. Well, it did take a lot of effort to be able to put it down into words. Whatever. I'm going to shut up now.
strawberry jelly · Sat Mar 12, 2005 @ 07:28pm · 7 Comments |