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My friend stopped by the apartment the other day with a very worried expression on his face. He was holdin his Farm Bureau cap tight in his hands and was limping slightly. His clothes looked as if he had slept in them. He had a big bandage on his elbow and lil band-aids on the tips of his fingers.

He flopped into my chair and let out a big sigh. He looked as if he could fall asleep right then and there. He did once or twice, each time with me prodding him awake with the end of my eagle head cane. He told me his wife, Renee, was tryin to kill him and his mistress, Pamela, also wanted him dead. I thought he was joking but the dead, teary look in his eyes signalled otherwise. He told me what had happened.

Pamela was in the kitchen cookin dinner as was always the case. My friend, for sake of asylum we will call Drew, was in the bedroom lying on the bed watching the basketball game. Well, Pamels walked down the hall and stood in the doorway of the bedroom, hands on hips and a butcher knife in one fist. She said she had been callin him forever and to get his arse in the kitchen and help her with supper. Bein an avid Razorbacks fan, he just ignored her until the butcher knife flew past the top of his head and stuck in the headboard of their queen-sized bed. Well, game or no, a knife is sure to get anybody's attention and Drew was no different from anybody. He got out of bed and dutifully followed Pamela in to the kitchen. He was quiet and meek cause she was still fuming he could just tell. So she told him to fix the collard greens. Now Drew is a very good fisherman, an avid hunter, a decent farmer but when it came to cookin, he didn't have a clue. He stood there with no idea what he was supposed to do with a pile of grass in front of him. Pamela growled under his breath and Drew knew he needed to do somethin... so he grabbed the nearest cookbook and looked up greens. Well, it said to clean them in water, so he did. Then it said to blanch them. He asked Pamela what blanch meant and she told him to boil them...so Drew did. It then said to shock them. He turned to ask Pamela how to shock them but the look on her face told him that just wouldn't be wise. So he scratched his head and mulled it over. He figured the best way to shock them was with a current. Pamela watched as he took an extension cord, cut off one end, plugged on the other end dropped the exposed wires into the pot with the greens...

Drew next remembered wakin up on the kitchen floor.

So after Drew finished, I offered him some money to stay at a motel til he figured out his next move. He thanked me, put the money into his pocket and promptly fell asleep...again. I let him sleep this time... I don't know what to say or think bout the situation.

At least the Razorbacks did win the game. Drew was very happy about that.