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Someone once told me (or i once read somewhere) that 'if only' were the two saddest words int he english language. Used in conjunction, they express deep regret of things undone, unsaid and left behind. They speak of a sadness so great... a sadness that can never be changed... they create the idea of whistuflly longing for something that can never be, because no matter how hard we try, we can never change the past.
I am human, and with it comes my many regrets. My linear concept of time limits me. I wish i could go back, grab that last oppourtunity and maybe things would have turned out better. I wish, i wish, If only... Such sad, regretful, whistful wods. I've been really feeling a part of the void. Part of everything, and in taht, part of nothing. If I weren't here, there would be someone else here, taking my place. In the void, one is all, and one is nothing. If I weren't part of the horde, it would still be there. It is always there, has always been, and will always be.
I regret the distance I put between myself and everyone else. Maybe if I could really create a bond with someone, I'd be a better person. But then, the fear of really opening up, and really getting hurt comes back. And I sink back into my isolated little box, put my earphones on, and live. Life in a box is better than no life at all, right?
People say to live without regrets, because you wouldn't be the person you are today if things had been different. Maybe things would be better that way, if I was different. If I were gone. I wish things were different, and I hadn't muddled things the way I did. With laura especially. Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping you distant too. I'm really sorry for that too. If I ever pushed you away, it was because of my own insecurities. And yes, that's selfish, but what would be more selfish? Pulling you in so deep I ******** you up with my mind, or keep you somewhat distant, like everyone else, and deal with things on my own?
I've always been sort of independant and alone, and when people come in, and try and help, i can't help but feel smothered. When we first met, we sort of both needed a bit of distance I think. I think that's why we get along. We're the same beneath it all. but can that really be healthy? And here I am, trying to make new friends too, and I don't want you to feel like I'm leaving you behind. I'm not. I'm trying so haqrd not too, and I hope you're not leaving me behind too.
I don't understand a lot of things (myself most of all; The more I learn about myself, the more I see that needs to be known). I don't understand how people can push others away because of insecurities. To me, that is the most selfish. No one should be able to price themselves, they will always undersell themselves, and deem themself 'unworthy' and leave you behind, 'Foy your own good'. It drives me crazy, and hurts like a b***h, and then I flip, and find I've been doing that my whole life. I'm such a hypocrite.
Oh, and if this sounds Emo to any of you? Call me emo then. Call me whatever you want, say whatever you want, think whatever you want. I'm done with you.
 MissingInAction · Mon Dec 04, 2006 @ 05:14am · 0 Comments |
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