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Wow I dont think Ive been that pissed at what someone said to me in quite some time. Im sure the state of sleep deprivation i am in doesnt help that any either though. But okay so Ill try to explain it. (Im putting this in rants because thats what it is and Im sure there will be a bit-o-swearing. So I live with my boss adn his family, still... (it is still awfully awkward but my boss cant say anythign to me about it, because I am actually paying the state leaste((its the states house)) so uh yeah) well when fall rolls around the leaves fall. WE take the waer for our hatchery from the stream that is screened off before out water intake. WEll the leaves block the screen and then the water will not get to the fish adn the fish will die. So I go out adn scrape them off. Well when fall comes aroudn and it gets bad (like it is tonight) I haev to go check it every hour at night, one of the other guys checks during the day. So I haev to go out at 9 10 11 and so on. Well my bosses wife suggested I jsut go stay out ther ein a ******** tent, adn the way she said it one could easily tell that what she ment is that, the door opening and closing is waking me up so why dont you go stay outside in teh pooring ******** rain while I sleep. Yeah I know exactly what she ment adn it pissed me off. 1. I do not have to do this night thing, it is technically not part of my job, I do it so the other guys dont have to drive from there houses and check it. I do it to lend a hand. 2. If she doesnt ******** liek it she can do it her dammed self as far as Im concerned. I already cant sleep. Having to work all night makes that even worse because you try to sleep in a house during the day that has 2 children under 2 years old screaming there ******** heads off and banging on your god dammed door. It doesnt ******** work. I know, I am ******** certain that I havnt slept more then 6 hours all together in 4 nights. yeah so Im a little edgy and comments like hers just dont sit too well with me. But all I said in reply was that no its just as easy to stay inside (and not in a tent) and dry and walk the 100 feet outside to the damm every hour or so its really not all that hard. The guys at work know that if I dont show up the dam was bad and that Im trying to get some rest. Well today I went to work 2 hours late (sleep jsut never came, yeah I didnt sleep last night at all) and everyone was like didnt get any sleep did ya. I couldnt understand why they all asked me till I went to the bathroom adn saw the nice large bags under my eyes. stare there is only one guy that sort of bugs me when I come in late adn the next dammed time he says anything he is going to get an ear full and we are gonna have a few words. Im sort oftired of cirtain places I go online. I guess I am tired of hearing kids b***h about things that really arnt all that bad, and are a lot better then they realize. Im tired of watching them try to make themselves miserable when it would be easier just for them to get help. I still try to help, I mean thats just the sort of person I am. I can help everyone else but myself. It sort of hurts me though sometime I ask people to do something for me (granted its nothing all that hard) and it never gets done, I mean I never ask much at all, but when I do it never gets done. this is why I have such a massive mistrust of most people. Because I cant trust people in real life because I walways get let down, thats why there is this massive wall I put up, I cant care too much because if I do I know Im going to get hurt. I sort of wonder if I really am dammed to hell for the things that Ive been a part of in my life. I mean if suicide really is a sin, wouldnt one go to hell if for the last say 5 years youve been trying to commit a sin? People say god has a purpose for us all. IF thats true I wish I knew what mine was. I wish I could just have what I want in life, and it isnt all that much to ask it really isnt. IF I could have that things would be better for me. Ive quit a few mroe guilds latly adn am still thinkign about leaving the one that I am the most active in, I suppose if anyone reads this they can gusswhich one that is. I knwo I dont really belong there because of my age, and well because none of them can really help me. And I just dont fit in there, Im not one of the tight little group, Im on teh outside and that is where I have always been. I try to help peopel out but Im afraid f I really told the truth and what really would help them out theyd just all get mad at me. I guess another big thing that sort of pissed me off and bothered me is Ive been talking to this one gall off and on who is from VA too, met her on RYL actually, and we got talking and have been talking fora bit, she told me she was 20, and I never saw any immaturity that would have hinted elsewise. I found out she is 16 and not 20. Thats a huge difference, she was talking how she wanted to meet up and hang out at some point and now Im like, uh no go away. Why the ******** cant people just tell me there dammed age correctly? I mean 16? that means I was 7 ******** years older then her. I didnt consider her dating material but maybe friendship, I dunno still 16 is a bit too young to try to be a friend with, still could raise questions and accusations. ******** hell. I dunno I guess that really what this post is getting at (and all of my past ones too) is that Im lost and pretty much alone. the peopel tha tI know here in VA I know I cant trust my real self and secrets with. I know theyd reject me and flip out. Id become and outcast even more. I jsut wish I could find a friend in life who could accept me for my real life. But I think I have as much of a chance at that as it does to snow it hell.
falllenshadows · Fri Oct 06, 2006 @ 03:35am · 1 Comments |
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