Dear Journal,
Hi journal... How are you today?
-Kat sighs-
Hrm... I seem less and less Kat- like and it hurts. It hurts me to admitt that I'm changing into another Kat. I'm going into darkness. I'm hiding my true self and my heart feels as if it is vanishing fast, I'm sick now..., and it hurts. I feel as if soon the Kat everyone knows won't be around anymore... and I don't want that, I don't want to change I wanna be the Kat everyone likes; not a negative one..
-Kat looks to the side-
I want to go back to the old me. But the old me had problems, she was a cutter and did things that I'm ashamed I did.. But then again the old me was always happy, even if really she was in pain. She would try to cheer people up, even though she was depressed. I know I'll change into the old Kat, even if I did cut and had tons of depression. I don't like the new me. I won't or try not to commit suicide or cut, but I'll be the old Kat. I want to go back because I feel alone right now. I know I'm not alone, but I feel alone. I know I'll always have Kai to talk with and Blood to have a healthy conversation. And I know all my friends are with me. But still I feel alone. Since I'm sick now that I shouldn't push myself or try to hard but I have to. I don't care what happens to me. I'm alone in darkness and I'm just trying to get out of it. But I can't do it alone and thats where I'm at in darkness alone. That is how I feel alone. I need someone to take me out of the darkness and lead me to a new. But till that I'm in the darkness in a little corner and I'm too afraid to leave it. I'm stranded in the darkness and crying alone. There are to many passages to go deeper and one to leave. I feel if I try to leave I'll just go deeper into the darkness and won't ever come out. I don't want to live in the dark like I have for many years. It hurts and I can't handle it anymore. I sit there as the tears fall one by one and don't stop till I'm gone. I know that people say love is a true form of happiness but I don't think so, because of love I get hurt and others do to.. what kind of happiness is that...... I know that for some of those lucky people, who have someone I envy you, but am still happy for you. I know I am happy for you. I can't describe the feelings I get from seeing a happy pair, I get a painful sting in my heart. Like I wish I was her and then I do something else, acting like I don't care when really I do. I want to be like that with someone else and then at the same time I feel happy for them. But in reality I feel nothing inside. My anger grows and depression. Hiding the truth of my feeling. I pretend that I'm happy and all but really I'm not I'm painfully admitting I'm disappearing and locking up every emotion I have. I put on fake emotions. And there are times I just quit and won't talk with anyone. I just ignore them, I don't explode but when I get home I cry I can't handle everything. I'm always now worrying about my health, school, friends, family, chores, animals, and life. Its all getting to me again. That I feel like I need to hurt myself. That I want to die.... But I don't want people to suffer, for my actions. I wish everyone I met and know had no intentions I existed. So if I did do those things no one knew I was gone and dead or hurting myself. I feel weaker at points that I just want to collapse. Like when I get home and in my room. I'm so out of it I just fall to the floor crying, asking why me.
-Kat kneels down and looks down-
I feel as if me not being here is better I know it'll be better cause, no one can worry about me. I'm done with everyone protecting me, worrying about me, telling me what I can and can't do, and treating me like a child. I hate that. I hate it when I'm told what I can and can't do. People younger treat me like I'm younger and its just because I'm short. I don't like it. I want to be treated equally and like one of the buddies not like the little person everyone must watch out for. I act like yeah I'm lucky that everyone cares but now that I'm sick it just got worse that I can't stand it and I cry at the thought of it. I'd rather be dead instead of being treated like how I'm always being treated.... Kat is done.. I got all my thoughts out and feelings............. I'm going to go cry now... who ever read this I'm sorry....
I just needed to get it all out....
-Kat gets up and leaves crying-
