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Today for me was..an eye opener, I looked at myself and thought on things, well my Grandad and my Aunty died yesterday, what the things was I felt like usual nothing, I never do I dont have very many emotions, I built up a shield and it became me you could say I broke it yet I don't feel anymore.

Now I'm changing, I am very sadistic and have always enjoyed seeing people suffer and upset, dont know why, but suddenly I have a great urge to also protect people, now I have two dominating personalitys and one of them is pure cruelty the other pure good, I no longer see to have any middle.

Now a good friend of mine was upset, she was really torn up, when I first saw her I felt really upset seeing her like that, then I suddenly had a weird mental change for a few seconds, I mean what the hell was wrong with me, I then reverted back to caring deeply and avoided her the rest of the day, if I had't the damage I would have caused would have been irreversible, which would have been a major problem as I really like her.

Another thing is that well I have never been a person who has cared much for relationships or that and I have never felt a need for comfort, yet I suddenly feel like is I dont find some companionship I'm going to die, and its only longing for two girls who I really do like well obsess with lol, and its not lustful, its a feelign of jsut wanting to be able to hold them close, kiss them, wake up next to them and know their there.

And with all of this finally I feel liek something bad is coming, its turning the corner and has the chill of death, I dont know what but I feel like I wont be on this world much longer unless something happens, maybe I'm being silly but maybe I have lsot all that is human in me.