The ability of one's mind to subconsciously release her most deepest fears... darkest desires...
Julian...
He is only a dream to me...
A distant dream... quite un-reachable...
For, you see, Julian resides within my thoughts as perfection... as the ideal man...
Shadowman, to be more exact.
A character, invented by the well-known author L.J. Smith, seems to have captured my heart... and no real man can match up to Julian, for Julian is un-real.
I repeat the words relating to what is "real" and "un-real" for the sole purpose of reminding myself of the gap between reality and fantasy. Without such a reminder, I lose myself in my daydreams, as well as nightdreams.
Before I continue with my secret desire, let me define nightdream.
A nightdream, similar to a daydream, is to indulge in a fantasy at night. It is absentminded dreaming while still awake. Instead of during the day, these reveries tend to occur during the hours of moonlight. Such nightdreaming usually leads to actual dreams where the person dreaming is asleep.
Julian has numerous characteristics.
"Extraordinary, whimsical, quixotic, wild-- impossible...
Seductive as silver and deadly as a cobra. And vulnerable like a hurt child... Like a hurt child who could strike out with lethal accuracy..."
Yet there are four words that generally sum him up: Danger, Seduction, Fear, and most importantly, Temptation.
He is a creature of beauty, with frost-white hair... "as white as moonlight on water..." and piercing blue eyes that never seem to stay one shade...
And his voice, "something almost mesmerizing about his voice--it was full of elemental music, like water running over rock. "
His words, L.J. Smith's words, for Julian is but a fictional character, greatly catch my interest. The word choices are exceptional, mysterious even.
Such a simple line:
"Secrets revealed. Desires unveiled."
An entirely new world is opened, and my dreams reflect the words he speaks, although Julian doesn't speak... he can't speak... due to his entire self being locked in a book in the form of sentences and fragments...
Oh, don't mind me, I ramble quite often.
Now do remember, when using the general term dream, I'm referring to nightdreams, for the dreams I dream at night have vanished by dawn, as if they were too dark to exist among the morning sunlight.
A silver rose... softer than any other... with dew drops still embedded upon the petals... and thorns, sharper than knives, yet cannot cut when touched...
This is Julian's most incredible, impossible gift. The silver rose is a paragon of all roses, for it does not and cannot exist. The silver rose... is Julian. He presents this flower... I suppose... as if he's giving himself to whomever is the receiver of the silver rose...
But I must end here... for now, at least. My discussion over Julian is becoming rather intimate, and to further my endless flow of words would only lead to embarrassment. I may continue in the future, after I have thought over what to say... Concluding...
Shall I ever find a man like Julian? I highly doubt it.
My favorite description of him... Where I melt at the words echoing silently in my head:
"His hair was shining like lightning, like quicksilver. This whole being seemed full of elemental energy--of frightning intensity. And his eyes were the unbelievable, luminous blue of the precise moment before dawn..."
Yet if there is... and if he is reading my short passage...
Present me with a gold ring... and engraved, let it say:
All I refuse and thee I chuse.
For this ring will be the symbol of his oath, will hold him to the words he speaks: All I refuse and thee I choose.
I have dreamed many dreams over Julian, yet he has not come to my dream. He has not entered on his own. Find me if you can, Julian, for I have a few Forbidden games, as well...
<3
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