The first 3 months were a different kind of lonesome, dark hell. Night shift, almost continuous with barely any breaks in between. In my 7-month stay in Davao, almost 4 of those months were spent at night. To be honest, until now, I barely remember anything. All I remember was darkness, rage, solitude, and just being tired. Sleep was lacking, no proper support from family, frequently invalidated and gaslighted, everyone was my enemy. If not for my emotional quartet composed of Tin, Elea, Sharms, and Erica, I probably would have took my life. There was just no point. I formed a resolution back then though, and so far, that will still be in place.
This pushed me though to form another resolution: I need to find someone to come home to. Someone I feel safe and comfortable with. Learned the hard the way that I really cannot depend on my family.
I was on night shift while working for Maurice, my first Upwork client and taking my Master's. I don't know how all of this happened or how I juggled it, but I made it work somehow. It was stressful. My blood pressure was shooting off the roof (got a value of 168 systolic) and I was experiencing massive hairfall.
Bright side, I was getting matches in dating apps. First good match was Aeman, then there was Drew, but both were not sustained for long. I guess the first real good match was JM, who I am talking with until now. Rejected his advances for further progressing this thing, somewhat of a groomer and does not accept my labelless-ness.
April came and I was juggling my full-time job, BayaniBrew, Upwork with Maurice, dating apps, and occasional shifting with Lolo. Still getting gaslighted by the family for contributing nothing to the household. End of April, got matched with Neil. Consistent conversations but well, we will get to that later. Matched with 'Em'/'Mike', became my career consultant, ish. He's married with kids, but we talk about our career paths, he rants about his wife, other ideologies. Potential friend material, I guess.
May came, got in a big fight with Maris. First time that I threw a tantrum because she said I needed to care. As if I lacked care already with what I was giving to the household. I actually cried then. Thankful for Cheska because somehow, she was there. Supported me at that moment. Thank goodness for that. Another blessing here was that I was already being summoned to Manila. So at the end of May, I was already back to Manila.
Oh, I also finished my counseling sessions last March with Ms. Irish. I reached the point wherein I was exhausted of being exhausted, and that led me to change my perspective. Watched Orange County and found the quote about home. That desire, coupled with what I was learning in counseling, led to my realization about being content in the present while desiring for the best future possible. Also realized that I can help but not to the point of sacrifice. Establish physical boundaries.
And come June, whew. Stressful too since I got a job from Erasmo (which unfortunately did not proceed), Upwork, BayaniBrew, and Master's was kicking in. Super tiring. That was also the time I met JM and Neil in person. JM's meet-up was nice. Neil's was not. After finishing my jobs and requirements (Maurice's job ended nicely), Neil and I went into a staycation actually. First overnight with a stranger, and it was ok. Played Just Dance, watched Cruella, drank soju with Yakult. Turned down Erica's plea to guard Luka at that time, but it was quite good, I guess. I had no expectations from him actually.
July came, and well, Neil and I were meeting frequently. His birthday came, gave him a thoughtful gift. We were constantly inviting each other to eat at Ramen Nagi or somewhere else. When he invited me to BGC for the first time, I discovered Prep's Who's Got You Singing Again. I cannot forgot that one moment. We were at High Street, gloomy skies, not so much people, that song in the background. I felt free. I felt alive again. Also started archery here, was really enjoying it. Oh, and this is when I started to talk to Joshua Certeza and Aldrin Jhon Aragon. Oh, and met another person as well, Joshua "Joss" Baluyot. Met him in person but dang, he really is not my bet. I dunno, weird. Got my first client here as well, Gerome Panlilio. For Gerome's Chili. Quite a consistent client, and still meeting him now.
To be honest, I was growing interested in him. But I received mixed signals, and I thought that he was interested in me as well. Oh well, first somewhat heartbreak. We did fight for a bit and met again after 2 weeks since I offered to help him, but oh well. Fast forward to September, and I realized that I still kind of liked him. But then, I got broken when I saw him talking to another person at BGC. Dang, my hands shook. I did not know what to think. Insane sadness and disappointment. Lessons in romance I guess. But we reconnected well actually after that. Around October, went to Divisoria with him to buy clothes, he even helped me choose the gift for Erica's friendship daw. Then around a week after, I asked him virtually if he is interested in me, and he said no. That was the rejection I needed. Brave of me to ask, yes, but also stupid of me to invest and even be interested. Until now we are still talking, but I have this feeling this guy already has another person of interest. We are slow dancing in a burning room, and I know I cannot expect more from him.And that ends Neil's saga. I do like you Neil Evangelista. But Neil Evangelista does not like me. That will be part of my mantra.
I do like you Neil Evangelista. But you, Neil Evangelista, do not like me.
Going back, August, I was stormed with 2 sets of bad news: Elea was doing self-harm already and Mam Azanza had cancer. Elea's plight I saw already a while back. And I was so disappointed in myself for not helping him much. In addition, on the day I was talking to him, his mother was hospitalized and eventually died. It was just sad. For more than a month, I was talking and consoling him. On the other hand, Mam Azanza told me about cancer. It was also at this time that she told me about her family conflicts. Terrible, terrible, somewhat similar situation with mine. Such a heavy burden too. Oh, and professionally, I started at URC already at this time. Got an offer around June, so that was interesting. Completed my second vaccination shot at August 2 too. Wow, didn't know August was eventful.
Come September, and aside from the happenings with Neil, I was touring the plants already. Was also working on getting some freelancing courses from Udemy, and was also starting my Master's. Quite eventful as well. I was also exploring some dating apps, got ghosted a few times already. Got a match with two persons during this month too, KJ (Kevin) and Luis Lloyd Layco. KJ is an odd match, actually said he was insignificant. Still somewhat talking to him now. On the other hand, Luis is oddly consistent, insanely consistent. Walls of text. Will talk about him later.
October's here, plant tours still continuing. Getting tired actually from full-time work, realizing how much I love freelancing. Heartbreak with Neil happened. Was continuing archery but explored some other activities as well. Marksmanship and Manila Ocean Park. Got a new client as well, Tita Sally for Sally's Authentic Bicol Express. Still no progress on that end but more on that later.
Finally, November. Super eventful:
1) Hosted an international event at URC. Bought an expensive Uniqlo Kando jacket for this
2) Went to Cebu and ESMO URC plants
3) Arrival of Maris and Mikka in Manila for a week
4) Operation of Mam Azanza, facilitated a blood transfer while on a plane and traveling through land
5) Met AJ at Cavite
6) Met Luis and watched Eternals
7) Met Neil one last time for the year
cool Met Sharms, she broke up with RJ
9) Went to the local market fair and met Sir Gerome and Tita Sally, discussed some prospect projects for this
10) Got upwork invites every week. Sealed the deal with James, Hans Mikkelsen and Ana
And finally, December. Eventful as well:
1) Got left by my flight, rebooked another the same day
2) Ate at Tiny Kitchen with my boss and officemates as a birthday treat
3) Visited URC Flour
4) Realized how unappreciated I am during my birthday and Christmas. Must change this aspect this 2022
5) Realized I am a tito already through Anjan's children
6) Earned well with Jason and Ana's works
7) Received proclamation from AJ that I am his ideal guy
cool Received some weird questions from JM asking why I did not engage in a relationship with him
9) Gave relationship advice to Ate Val
10) Total telecommunications blackout last December 17
Some insights for this year:
1. I am contented where I am, but really hopeful for the future.
2. The moment of final control is at age 35. That gives me sufficient time.
3. Physical boundaries should be established between me and my family.
4. My love languages of quality time and words of affirmation make me a hopeless romantic.
5. I can read people again. Intuition is right.
6. I have commitment issues.
7. I tend to fixate on things I cannot have.
8. I regress when I am in Davao
9. My mental health status is a torrential ocean of waves full of ups and downs
10. I need to give myself the same services I give to others, and help myself more
2021 was not a good year, but it was very insightful. I am not sure where my development leads, but I think I am living life more now compared to before. Hoping this gets me what I need, what I want, and what I deserve.
Always forward, ever onwards!
In the end, joy may be found not in the conclusion of your journey, but in the way that you passed on.
