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Power Launcher Zam!!

How to charm the male mind
By Chelsea Kaplan
Many single women think that what men want out of a relationship is radically different from what they hope for. “He just wants to date around,” “He’s looking to have fun, period,” and “Why does he say one thing and do another?” are the kinds of comments they often make. But the opposite sexes are actually very much alike when it comes to love, if you know how to read between the lines, says Greg Gilderman, author of She’s the One: The Surprising Truth about What Makes a Woman a Keeper. Here, he reveals what men really look for in a woman—and how you can use that info to your advantage!

Q: In your book, you say that “good guys” ultimately want the same thing out of a romantic partner that women do. Before we get into what these qualities are, can you shed some light on who the “good guys” are?

A: “Good guys” are the types of men who aren’t hoping for life to be an extended fraternity party, who don’t want only sex and who don’t need to be tricked into long-term relationships. Despite what you might read in magazine advice columns, the vast majority of men really aren’t this way. The truth is that 90 percent of American men have been married by the age of 40, which, if you subtract prison inmates, is almost the entire straight male population. I don’t believe those guys have been tricked or manipulated. They wanted to be married.

Q: So what are the qualities and behaviors “good guys” looking to be in a long-term relationship are seeking in women?

A: Men ultimately do want long-term, exclusive relationships — some at 20 years old, some at 30, almost all by 40 — and if you ask a married guy why he’s with his wife, unless he’s Ice T, he won’t say just “her butt.” He’ll say it was her intelligence, her humor, her values, her potential as a good mother, and the fact that she just makes him feel relaxed and loved. It is women who display qualities like this that charm men, pure and simple.

Q: What are some of the most common ways that single women turn off men?

A: A prime example: asking too many “Where do you see us in five years?” type of questions early on in a relationship. You see it on those dating shows all the time: a couple is happily rock climbing, the woman suddenly asks something like, “Do you want to have kids some day?” and the guy looks like he’s been hit with a Taser.

Q: Why do men react this way?

A: While it’s odd when you consider that most men, like most women, have marriage and children as a goal for their lives, I think it comes down to biology: Men just have a greater natural impulse to have more partners than women do. It’s possible that men are simply wired to be resistant to the idea of monogamy, at least initially. If you’re looking to really charm him, keep these types of questions out of the conversation until you’re well into a serious relationship.

Q: What else is a “don’t” when it comes to attracting a guy?

A: Aloofness. Sure, it’s good not to inundate a guy with phone calls or emails after the first date or two. And yes, every guy likes a little bit of hard-to-get from a woman. But at some point, it’s best to recognize that guys are as insecure and flawed as you are, and being told or being given signs that we are liked is often what gets a relationship off the ground.

Q: Some women are man-magnets, plain and simple. What do you think is their secret?

A: I can remember as far back as junior high school that there were always one or two girls all the guys liked best. Although they were certainly attractive, they were never the very best-looking, but they had some kind of spark that just drew guys to them. They could laugh with the guys without being one of the guys and they had a way of making guys feel relaxed and good about themselves.

I also think context plays a role in this kind of attraction. Have you noticed that an otherwise unremarkable straight guy in a ballet class will seem far more magnetic than he would at a math convention? By putting himself in a context that benefits him — being the only guy in classroom of women — he improves his chances of getting a date. It’s no different when the tables are turned, and it’s one woman in a sea of men.

Q: So how can women use “context” to their advantage when looking to attract men?

A: Consider all of the social contexts in which you come into contact with men. Are your friends, co-workers and classmates all women? If so, is there a way to get around more guys on a regular basis, especially as one of the only women in the room? If the answer is yes, do it. If not, wrack your brain to come up with ideas (a hint: think sporting events, billiards bars, an auto show, an outdoor basketball court or a steakhouse). I promise you’ll get positive romantic results.
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How to charm the female mind
By Chelsea Kaplan
Just like renowned thinker Sigmund Freud, many regular guys ponder the question, “What do women want?”—and find themselves dumbfounded. According to Kathy Freston, author of The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love, understanding the female mind isn’t that difficult. Need some direction? Here are her suggestions on how to understand — and woo — women.

Q: What is the number-one mistake that men make when trying to impress women?

A: When men feel insecure, they sometimes compensate by acting arrogantly or being grandiose. As much as bragging about your car, house or big bank account might initially get a woman’s attention, it will soon thereafter be a major turn-off. Women like confidence and security, but they know that only when those qualities are real, a man doesn’t have to throw them around for show.

Q: What else would you warn men away from doing?

A: Another thing healthy women find unappealing is when a man is too needy, grabbing for too much of her attention and affection. That kind of behavior communicates that there is not much else going on for him in terms of friendships or intimate relations.
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Q: But don’t many women want to be “needed” by men?

A: Sure, but there’s a fine line between “needing” a woman and being “needy.” No self-respecting lady wants to be the man’s “everything”! It is too much of a burden—and an impossible one to fulfill. If you want to find a loving, well-rounded, happy female partner, you need to be loving, well-rounded, and happy on your own and in your own unique ways.

Q: How much does a man’s physical appearance count in charming a woman?

A: Women value men who take care of themselves, just as men admire the same in women. If he eats well, exercises, and takes a little time to think about what he is wearing, it shows he has self-respect and honors the body that was given to him. The subtext of this behavior is: “I like myself enough to present myself well and make sure I have the energy to live life to the fullest.”

Q: OK, what would you say is the one way a man can charm a woman? What’s his best bet on that front?

A: First and foremost, nearly any woman loves an attentive man who values her thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You’ve probably heard it numerous times, but it’s the truth: Women want to feel heard and considered seriously. It’s not that a woman is just looking for someone to agree with her. She wants to know that how she approaches life has an impact on him; she wants to know that her ideas have been taken in and digested… hence she matters and makes a difference.

Q: May I play devil’s advocate and ask why then are so many women seemingly charmed by jerks?

A: Often, it’s a function of one’s personal psychology. Much of that kind of attraction has to do with being drawn to what hasn’t yet been worked out from childhood wounds or painful experiences. People are often attracted to the very thing that will bring up their old stuff; it’s the wisdom of the unconscious pushing us to confront the things that need to be addressed and healed. In this case, the old “it’s not you, it’s me” actually does come into play quite a bit.

Q: Interesting! Last question: There are some men that women are just instantly drawn to. What’s their secret?

A: There is nothing more magnetic to love than love itself. When a man loves his life, his friends, his job, he is incredibly magnetic. Additionally, when he is as nice to the janitor as he is to the CEO of his company, he shows heart, and most women are always drawn to kind men; I believe it’s human nature. Ultimately, a man who is genuinely — and that’s the key: genuinely — attentive, considerate, kind and chivalrous will always be able to captivate a woman.