Dear Journal,
I Wonder What It Is Like, To Have A Happy Mother And Father, Together In Your Life? Does It Help You Grow Stronger? Does It Help Shape You For The Better In Your Life? I Wish I Knew, Sadly I Was Not That Lucky. My Mother And Father Fought Constantly, Making Everyday Challenging. I Felt Like I Was The Reason They Did So. I Felt Like, If I Did Not Exist, Everything Would Be Better With Them. Sadly I Did Not Know That When I Was Very Young. Growing Up Was So Harsh, So Stressful, It Felt Like It Would Never End.
Me Being The One To Take Care Of My Mother From My Father Not Caring For Her, When She Was Sick And Did Not Have The Energy To Take Care Of Herself. Do You Know How...How Much It Hurts To See A Mother Figure, Suffering With No Feeling Of Love And Kindness From A Man She Married? Do You Know How....HOW MUCH THAT AFFECTS A CHILD? NO YOU DON'T!! It Shapes You To Think So Low About Men, That All They Want To Do Is Use You For They Own Needs. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, AND NEGLECTED? NO NO YOU DO NOT!!! WELL I DO!!
You Hate Yourself To The Core, You Find Yourself Wondering, "What If? What If This Happens To Me, When I Do Find Someone." "What Will I Do?, How Will I Be Able To Push Through With It, If It Does?" "Who Will Be There For Me When It Happens?" "Will I Suffer Like Her?" "Will No One Care, If I Fall Into A Deep Depression, Losing My Ability To Fight On?" Being Around My Father Was Never Easy, He Was So Misguided In Life That, The Only Way He Know How To Deal With His Stress Is. Hurting Other People's Feelings, Letting Them Feel How He Felt, Even If It Was His Own Children, And Lovers. He Was Very Physically And Emotional Abusive, And Neglecting To Everyone He Was Very Close To. He Was So Very Abusive That, He Had Punched My Mother While I Was Inside Her, So Hard That She Fell On The Floor And Hit Her Head On The Heater. He Even Tried To Punch Her While I Was In Her Arms. She Said To Him, "Go Ahead John, Punch Me And See What Happens! "You Really Want To Punch Me With Our Daughter In My Arms?" "You Are Not Too Swift John, I Will Tell You That!" My Mother Told Me, After I Was Born He Changed. He Became Very Very Rude, Hateful, Disloyal, Self-Centered, Selfish, Angry, Lustful, Abusive, Neglectful, Prideful/AKA Looking Down At You From His Regal Throne, Abandoning People Who Seriously Loved Him. She Also Told Me, After She Was Pregnant And Had Me, He Told Her All About His Life And Past, How His Family Was, What Problems They Had, And So On And So Forth.
My Mother Was Devastated, Hearing This After I Was Born. Before My Mother And Father Got Divorced, She Went To The Store Getting Groceries. After She left The Apartment, My Father Would Wait For Her To Close The Door And Lock It Behind Her. Thinking No One Would Find Out He Was Plotting Something Behind Her Back, Goes On Yahoo Messenger, Starts Making Kissing Noises, Flirting With To What It Sounded Like A Lady. I Peeked In And Asked Him, "Daddy Why You Making Kissy Sounds To That Puter?" I Called It Puter, As I Was Struggling To Speak Correctly From Slowly Developing. He Gave Me The Most Mean Look I Have Ever Seen In My Life, Pointing His Finger Close To Me. "If You Ever EVER Tell Your Mother What Happened I Will Hurt You!" I Became So Scared And Afraid Of Him, That I Started To Cry With A Scream, That Sounded Like Someone Was Killing Me. It Repeats And Repeats In My Head, That Scream Is Like I Seen The Devil And He Was Out To Kill Me For Good!
My Head Throbbing With Pain And My Body Shaking In Fear. I Felt This Is It, Something Bad Is Going To Happen. I Was Right And It Scared Me, Scared Me To The Point That I Said To Him, "I Am Going To Tell Mommy On You And You Can't Stop Me!" He Then Gave Out The Worst Threat Ever, I felt Like I Was About To Die From A Heart Attack, From This Panic I Was In When He Said To Me, "Don't You Dare Go Running And Screaming Into Your Bedroom As Well, Or I Will Punch You, I MEAN IT MISSY!"
I Started To Run And I Screamed That Scream Again, Fearing For My Life! I Felt This Is It....."Am I Really Going To Get Punched So Hard That It Will Hurt Me So Bad That I Will Have Bruises?" "Will I Actually Die And Never See Mom Again? He Started To Yell And Come After Me With Aggression, His Feet Coming Towards My Room Loud, Like A Big Dinosaur Running Towards You To Kill You! When He Got To My Room, He Got Very Close To My Face, Yelling Telling Me, "Didn't I Tell You Not To Go Yelling And Screaming Into Your Room?" "Didn't I?" "Answer Me Now!" I Cried And Said, "Y...Yes" He Then Said To Me, "I Hate Kids Who Do Not Listen To Their Parents!" "They Think They Can Get Away With Everything!" "I'm Sick Of You And I Am Sick Of Your Mother!" "You Will Never Become Anything! You Will Be Worthless, I Wish I Never Had You!" "I Wish You Never Existed!" He Was So Angry That He Started To Punch Me 4 Times In The Stomach.
It Felt Like Someone Sat On You And Kept On Applying So Much Pressure On Your Stomach Until They Stopped. I Felt Like My Stomach And Intestines Were Going To Rupture, From So Much Pressure From The Punches. I felt Scared And Alone, Mom Was Not There To See It And I Never Said A Thing To Her......I Kept It To Myself, Forever Haunting Me...... My Father And Mom Got Divorced When I Was 4 Years Old. He Came To The Apartment, Telling My Mom, "I Do Not Know How You Can Deal With Her, I Can Not!" They Yelled And Screamed At Each Other, Like Howling Wolfs. My Ears And Head Hurting, Making Me Hide Behind The Kitchen Wall. Sulking And Covering My Face, Wishing I Could Just Sleep Forever Or Even Run Away.
The Yelling Was So Loud That I Was Terrified, Scared, Uneasy, Stressed, Feeling Sick, Feeling I Was In Pitch Blackness. I Wanted To Put My Two Cents Into This, Telling Them How I Felt. Sadly I Kept It Inside, Feeling It Was None Of My Business, Trying To Keep The Peace With My Mom, Father And I.
Going To School With Seeing All This Happening In My Life, Made Me Push Away Other Kids Growing Up With Me. I Was Very Distant, Hard On Myself, Feeling I Was Just A Waste Of Space. Feeling I Would Be Just A Burden On Other People's Lives With All The Stuff I Went Through In My Life. I Kept To Myself Everyday, No Matter What. I Struggled To Express My Emotions Verbally, So Instead I Expressed Them With Facial Expression. Some People Said I Looked Like I Was Crying, Some Of Them Said I Looked Like I Was In So Much Pain, That I Wanted To Cry Out Help! Everyday Trying To Get By With So Much Stress, That It Caused Me Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I Was Just So Scared To Open Up, Fearing That Once I Dropped My Guard Down, I Would Get Hurt Once Again, Causing Me To Feel "What Is The Use To Drop Your Shield On Your Heart?, When All Everyone Did In Your Life Is Abuse You, Neglect You And Abandon You? Showing You They Did Not Care?"
This Caused Me To Become Very Serious, Getting Very Upset, Annoyed Or Even EVEN Irritated When People Teased Or Joked Around. I Did Not Understand Teasing And Joking, I Took It As People Hated Me, Wanted Me To Suffer, Wanted Me To Feel Pain And Misery All Over Again! I Took It So Seriously That, I Would Cry So Much, And Scream And Tell People To Get Away From Me! Leave Me Alone! I Am Not A Cry Baby, You Do Not Understand!
Many Kids Looked Around Where I Was, Watching Me Cry And Scream In Fear. I Could Not Take It, I Ran Away From Them, Walking Around The Playground On My Own. I Just Wanted Out Of School, I Was Sick Of People My Age! I Became So Distant That, I Was Always Someone's Verbal Punching Bag, Calling Me Weird, Four Eyes, Nerd, No One Cares About You. Why Don't You Just Find Someone Else To Play With! No One Wants You On Their Team, You Suck At Games!
It Hurt, It Hurt So Bad That Everyday I Came Back From School, Off The Bus I Said To My Mom, "Mom I Am Going To Do My Homework And After That I Am Going To Play My Nintendo." She Would Always Ask If I Was Okay Everyday, The Answer That I Always Gave Her Was, "I'm Fine Or I'm Okay Thank You For Asking." When Really I Was Saying Deep Down, "No Mom, I Am Sad, Hurt, Lonely, Broken, Feeling Hated, Feeling Worthless, Like I Should Not Exist."
When It Was Time For Me To Go To Bed, I Would Turn Off The Nintendo, And Turn On My Little Night Light, And Close The Door. I Then Decided To Write In My Journal, How Much Pain And Sorrow I Felt Everyday. I Had So Many Crushes, That I Wanted To Get To Know Them. When I Did I Asked If They Had Feelings For Me The Answer Was Always, "No I Think Of You As A Sister" Every Freaking One Of Them Sisterzoned Me!
Watching Every Boyfriend And Girlfriend Happy, Holding Hands, In Each Others Arms, Kissing And Giving Each Other Gifts Of Love And Romance......It Hurt, It Felt Like I Was Being Mocked By Them Saying, "Haha How Do You Like It, You Get No Love, No Romance, No Happiness, Nothing!" "Watch And Weep LeeAnn, Just Watch And Weep, As You Suffer The Pain Of Loneliness And A Broken Heart!"
Tears Were Running Down My Face, I Just Wanted To Be Alone, Where I Can Be Safe, No Longer Hurt And Vulnerable. I Only Had A Few Friends, One Girl I Met In The Gym Room In Middle School. Her Name Was Elizabeth, She Was Alone, Sitting There On The Bench. She Was Very Open To Me, Her And I Had A Lot Of Things In Common. We Clicked So Easy As Friends, That I Enjoyed Her Company.
I Felt Like I Was Able To Have A Friend Once In My Life In School. Her And I Stayed Friends For A Long Time, Hanging Out With Each Other, Talking About Things We Had So Much Interest In. When 7th Grade Came I Met A Guy Named Nathan, He Was Very Cheery, Full Of Positivity, Always There For Elizabeth And I. All Three Of Us Were Stuck Like Glue, We All Enjoyed Each Others Company And Personalities.
Him, Elizabeth And I All Stayed Around Each Other. Once It Hit Last Year Of Middle School, I Ended Up Having Feelings For Him, Knowing And Being Around Him For 2 Years. I Decided To Confess, Sadly He Declined And Said, "LeeAnn I'm Sorry But, I Have Feelings For Elizabeth Not You." This Broke Me Even More, That I Decided To Just Push Away Every Guy Now. I Was Done, Done Getting To Know Guys And Then Developing Feelings For Them.
I Felt If I Got To Know Them And Develop Feelings, I Will Get Turned Down Like Always. Middle School Ended Elizabeth Left The Country, I Cried Missing Her. I Hid Myself Once Again, Keeping To Myself. This Made Me Become Very Very Emotional, More And More Stressed, More Hurt, More Broken. First Year Of High School Starts, I Head In And All Of A Sudden I Freeze. I Looked Around And Felt The Feeling Of Pins And Needles In My Back. My Eyes Started To Water, Like A Waterfall.
I Walked In Wiping My Tears In My Eyes, Sitting In The Office Room With The School Staff. They Adored Me, They Had Smiles On Their Faces And Welcomed Me To The High School. I Enjoyed Older Adults Company, So Much That I Became A lot Of The Teacher's Pet. Only One Did Not Really Care For Me, That Was My Special Ed Teacher. She Was Very Harsh On Me, She Put Me Down All The Time. She Said To Me That I Was A School Skipper, When In Reality, I Was Getting Sick From All The Stress And Anxiety And Depression I Had.
I Was Forced To Be Removed From The High School And Go Into A Learning Center School, For School Kids That Were Always Getting Into Trouble......I Felt Even Worse, So Worse That I Became A Little Bit Cold Towards The Kids And Teachers. It Hurt To Know You Were Put In A School, That Was For Bad Kids......I Was Not A Bad Kid.......Why?.....Why Did I Deserve This? I Had Done Nothing Wrong.
They Misunderstood Me, They Thought I Did Not Care For My Education, When In Reality I Did! How Would They Like It, If They Were Brought Up Like Me In Their Childhood Seeing Everything I Seen? No.....Let's Just Make Her Out To Be A Bad Child, And Put Her Into A School For Trouble Maker Kids......Thanks......That Is Great! Oh I Am Such A Bad Kid For Having Emotional Problems, And Struggling To Actually LIVE, And Go To SCHOOL! "Says In A Sarcastic Tone"
After The Half Of 9th Grade And Full Of 10th Grade There, I Was Put Into A New High School, Which Was The Town Over From My Town. It Was Very Small, It Was Mmm Very Inviting. I Became The Special Educations Teacher's Pet Of Course. She Seen I Was Always Determined, Always Trying To Push Through No Matter What.
I Then Ended Up Graduating With Student Of The Month Of June. Now No Longer Talking To My Father, Sadly I Was Feeling Like I Was Having A Tug Of War, Between My Mother And My Father. Everyday I Came Home From Being Around My Father, I'd Lash Out At My Mother Not Meaning To. He Would Always Talk So Low About My Mother, I Just Kept It In Without Saying A Word........A Coward......I Was Being A Coward Once Again.......Hiding My Pain And Fear Of Him Hating Me And Hurting Me Again, If I Said Anything Against Him.
I Dropped The Relationship With Him, Told Him That I Am Done With You, You Treat Me Like Crap. I Took Care Of Mom When You Didn't! Do You, Do You Think This Helps Me To Understand About Men? Do You Really Want Me To Be Happy, Like You Say You Do? I Do Not Think So, You Used Me To Make Yourself Look Good, In Front Of All Your Wives And Girlfriends You Had! I Am 27 Years Old, I Have A Right To Live A Life Without You Telling Me What To Do! I Am Not Your Slave And I Am Not A Door Matt, For You To Step All Over!
I Am Not Your Little Girl Anymore, Stop With This Child Like Behavior Please! Stop Treating Me Like A Little BABY! I Completely Dropped Him Out Of My Life, He Did Not Care, Neither Did I. I Tried So Many Freaking Times To Be The Daughter For Him, Giving Him Chances After Chances After CHANCES! Torture After Torture After TORTURE! My Heart Breaks Even More, That Every Time I Tried To Mend It, It Broke Again And Again And Again And Again......I Was Always Doing My Best To Heal Myself......Always Trying To Make Myself Happy......I Am Here Still Living On Earth With My Mother, We Just Ended Up Losing Morris, That Hurt Me Even More, He Was My Anti-Depressant, When I Needed Something To Pat, And Hold Tight In My Arms, Other Than My Mom.......I.....Just Hope And Pray Someday, Someday It Will Just Be All A Dream.......
View User's Journal
http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j102/machinelovepink/Princess_Peach2.jpg
Community Member
so speechless.