So I had dated this guy for two years... most of the time when i think about it i wonder how that even happened. Was i that desperate to be loved? I mean orginally we were just ******** around. I never wanted friendship or feelings.. just straight up sex. He wasn't that great in bed. Very vanilla and unsure of himself but i also kind of liked being a teacher and helping him come out of his shell a bit. Well he let me feel that way anyway. From day one i had told him i need complete honesty. All he heard in that conversation is that i am loyal and i expect loyalty in return or i have no problem cutting people out of my life without looking back.
It was maybe a month since the start of our arrangement... literally on thanksgiving... when my snapchat was spammed by some randomass girl. She claimed she and this guy were dating and i was the other woman. I didnt even bat an eyelash. My immediate response was "oh honey, if you knew about me well then youre the other woman." She sent me pictures of them naked in a bubble filled bathtub and sexual messages he sent her.. i screenshot everything and blocked her. Sent all of it to him. His response was we will talk later. So i drove to his house and thought about telling his family everything since his family didnt know he snuck out at night to be with either of us.
Never told his family just all of mine and every friend who would listen to me rant about his cheating a**. That night i picked him up after my family party and silently drove back to my house.. he cried all night pleading with me asking me to stay his friend. I did want to be his friend so after we both shared our feelings he asked what i do to make myself feel better. We watched 5 movies in a row. My favorites. Stayed up all night and during the middle of the last movie he passed out in my arms clutching me like his life depended on it. He made me feel so important. He put all of his trust in me and was secure that i would always be there. An unmoveable object. But i never even had a chance to begin trusting him. My constant doubt in him and his character fed poison into the start of our relationship.
He tried to stay friends with the other girl. She would harass me. Prank call me... fb messenger. So i did a background check found the names of everyone in her immediate family her address her home number cell number and social media accounts. Had a list of everything i knew about her in a note on my phone so if she ever bothered me i could just list it off and then leave the conversation. Allow her to think it was a threat even though it wouldve just been letting her know of my knowledge. Never told her i knew all of that info. Instead i told the guy everything she did and said which worked to my advantage. He told her off. She got so ******** crazy she told him and her parents she was gonna kill herself so they sent her to crazy camp. Found out on the day she came back that he lied to me.. told me he didnt talk to her anymore but he had been writting her letters in crazy camp.
So i decided to use a bit of manipulation.. he did it to me. It was my ******** turn. I told him.. me or her? You pick her in a few months youll want to think about me but you wont be sure if it was all just a dream thats how far and fast i will run and how completely i will leave. You will have only a shadow of a memory with no proof of it ever happening. So of course he chose me. Couple weeks later crazy pants went to college and the day she left home he asked me to help him write a professional letter to her parents apologizing for any grief he may have caused them.
I was so petty about it without prompting i started the letter addressing it to the parents using their first names. Which he didnt even know. When questioned i listed off everything i knew about her and told him how long ive known just to scare him. I drove us to her house without needing his guidance. Freaking him out a little bit more. Im not someone you play games with. I am intelligent and i enjoy destroying people when ive felt wronged. I studied the directions to her house many hours so i could do this one thing. He was so nervous the whole way back to my house. I could feel it and i loved how powerful it made me feel.
One thing you should know about me... once i feel i have given out justice to those whove wronged me i no longer care about that infraction. Its over i forgive you and i forgive myself for how i responded. I was totally happy. The girl was gone he was mine. I felt like i could finally start to trust him now that it was over and he wasnt acting sneaky or nervous or suspicious. I actually felt like we became really good friends. I told him everything. I became completely comfortable around him. Let down some walls. We had some great times. Truly i have never had more fun getting to know anyone. He could make anything into a joke. His goal was to keep me smiling and he really did. For the most part anyway.
When we fought.... they were hurtful. He knew me. I let him in and he knew how sensative i could be and knew exactly what words hurt the most. Every fight he would tell me im a manipulative psychopath when all i did was state how i felt and asked for an honest answer. Yes i can be if i want to be if i feel i need to be but no im not thats not true and you know it. After every fight hed tell me how im such a sweet loving girl with such a big heart... like thanks for noticing but i know how you really feel buddy.. he could be so hot and cold. I dont think he really knew what he wanted.
Aug 2019 we hit the two year mark. We hung out less because we both worked more. I loved my new job he hated his. It seemed like the only thing we talked about at that point was his job and how he hated it and how his knee hurt and his back hurt and how hell never be a ufc fighter now.. he stopped asking about me and when he did i just said im good or fine.. so he wouldnt stress more. I didnt like that he was angry all the time and i didnt know how to help and he wouldnt tell me how i could help or hed say i help just by being my fantastic self..
Well soon after the 2 year mark i felt like i wasnt good enough i wasnt appreciated or noticed. I felt insignificant. Bringing that up caused a huge fight. He told me i gained too much weight and was unattractive in between all the other things he threw at me when he was angry. So i stopped replying.. 3 days later hes blowing up my phone still begging and apologizing. I answered to tell him to leave me alone. He instantly got mad told me he was blocking me and then refused to talk to me for a month. Blocked my social media accounts... i figured he was just gonna ghost me and not break up with me at all... but either way at that point i knew it was over. It had to be over.
I went to the renaissance fair with my bestie and her sister almost cried quite a few times because he was a history buff and wouldve had the best time. Like a kid in a candy store he wouldve been over the moon and i wouldve enjoyed seeing his happy face light up at history coming alive and having a chance to live it for a few hours..
On the way home he texted me finally.. told me hed been doing alot of thinking and he just wants to be friends. He needed me to help him sort out what he should do about a girl... yup he had met a girl six months prior.. was talking to her this whole time we had been figjting constantly and felt he liked her more than me but she blocked him and he didnt know what to do.. it made me so ******** angry.. i tried everything to have him hand over her number so i could thank her for being a decent human being unlike him and the other girl. But never happened he knew me well enough to know i wasnt asking for her number to help his case. He told me before she blocked him he had described symptoms to her and she told him he probably has chlamydia.. so he accuses me. Straight up says its my fault.. kay but i never cheated that was all you.. and if i did then he probably gave it to his little ******** toy.
So... i texted the one sexual partner i had before where we didnt use protection.. that i cared about anyway the other was a jerk off and i dont give a ******** if he never finds out.. told him about the sti so he could get himself checked out like i was going to do and i fb messaged the girl he had slept with informing her so she could get checked out immediately blocking her after she saw the message so i didnt get a response. I played nice with the guy until he got angry at me for not giving him good girl advice.. i blew up on him. Told him he didnt give a ******** about me clearly expects me to drop all my feelings to help him solve a relationship problem when he couldve been trying to solve ours the whole time he had been talking to her. I told him he gave up on us and so i dont want to be friends now or ever.. this caused him to call me names and demand i pay him for every penny he'd ever spent on me.
And while there was all of this negative energy in this relationship i remember the light. I remember how i had never felt that close to anyone before. No ones ever needed or loved me that way before... i cant help but miss those moments when he was cracking stupid jokes and it was so easy to be around him.
I guess im kind of afraid to find someone put in all this work and then be left broken and analyzing the whole relationship from start to finish trying to see where i failed.. i dont want that.
I want someone who chooses me who fights for me and us whos there as a friend and can make me laugh but will share their feelings openly and honestly.. i want someone who will be patient while i learn to trust and i dont trust people who wont entrust their secrets to me. I feel more guarded than ive ever been and ready to run and very indecisive.
 SabzzzFlan · Sat May 30, 2020 @ 07:09am · 0 Comments |
