December 29th 2018 my mom died of melanoma cancer.
She didn't tell us how bad it was, until one week before she was gone.
I write her a letter every month.
Because it is hard to say goodbye to your mom.
It's been three months since you left. I don't try to remember. Just like I don't try to wake up around three in the morning. It just happens.
It seems my mind is a little stuck. I have a quiet, constant, stutter or hiccup, on the memory of you leaving. Like a movie projector that ran out of film, but it keeps spinning, making that annoying sound. It is my new background noise. Most of the time I don't let myself notice, or think about it. I try and put as many distractions, as I can between me and thinking of you.
When that doesn't work, I sleep.
Anything to cause a fog, blur my thoughts, just enough. I don't want to notice, your absence. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to remember or think of you, because it all leads to the same place.
You're gone. I can't do anything about it. I miss you. I loved you. All of that, it hurts.
Maybe that's an awful way to think? I really don't know, but if I start to relax, my mind will drift to places I don't want to go. I still haven't figured out what to do with all the pain.
It was three in the morning when Elijah told me he got the call. He rushed to be with you. I called Matthew and I don't even know what I said. He knew it was bad, and he was reassuring me it would be ok. He left to go see you too. I called gramma next, I wanted to make sure she knew. They had already called her. She went to say goodbye.
I was too far away. I tell myself that all the time. "I was too far away.", that's why I wasn't with you. But the real sucker punch is, we both know I wouldn't have been there. Which is pretty terrible of me, huh?
I never had to deal with death. It's not hard to do, if you limit how many people you let get really close to you. It's supposed to be safer that way. Nothing can happen to the people you love, if you only let a few people in.
I think of it as, if you only plant five flowers, and that's all you need. Those five flowers are yours. They're special, and meaningful. Nothing bad should happen to them, because some people need a whole garden.
All I wanted was a few flowers. You may not notice a flower or two missing, if you plant enough seeds to have a whole garden of your own. But when you only have a few flowers to begin with, by design, you never expect one of yours to get plucked. Then when it does, you notice it missing. You can't just think, it was always four. No. Every day you notice a flower missing. You see the hole where it used to be. Now empty.
I just try and distract myself, or sleep. Anything to put some fog, or blurriness in between me and you.
That's where i'm at with my life without you. Under it all, maybe the worst thought that I try and hide away, is, did you know how much I loved you? Did you know, I really cared?
The generic warm and fuzzy greeting card reply is "Of course you knew. You loved and cared for me too." We would be cute fuzzy animals hugging on the front, and there would be warm happy feelings all around. But life is rarely as bright and fluffy as people paint it to be.
Anyway, Mom, I really miss you. I wish you didn't leave me.
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