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2019...
To be honest...I don't feel any different, but I really want to. Rob said, "We're not going to go into 2019 with bad memories from 2018." I quickly told him that wasn't the case since the bad memories happened literally 3-4 ago. But still a rise.
To be honest, I'm terrified to love Rob. He basically brought my deepest fears in love to life...that you can put your absolute all into someone and they flip it and still fall in love with somebody else. It's so hard to trust him after that, but then I think about what I've done and...I guess I have no room to talk.
For 2019, I really want to reallocate my energy and give it to myself and those who will reciprocate it in giving me the kind of friendships that I actually want to cultivate.
Friendships in where people aren't open or honest or afraid to be vulnerable is not where I want to expend energy, especially if that's what I'm giving up front. Friendships that are one-sided, aloof or stagnant are not how I want to spend my time. Social media will tell you that friendships are futile and creating strong business connections and networks are where your energy is best spent. Partially true, but I feel like there's a lot of power in friendship that is only shown in kids movies and anime.
If I ever have the discussion with Marlon, I think that's the best way to frame it. There's no way that I (and we) can have open and honest conversations with everyone in this group but for you, we have to host an intervention and for me as your "best friend" having to hear about it from a mutual. Make it make sense.
I'm trying hard to leave a lot of those sentiments in 2018. I've determined that I actually don't hate "the group" but I'm just annoyed with Marlon which kinda trickles out to everyone else.
Those sentiments with Marlon and Rob led to a rocky end of the year for me. I almost feel like my self-esteem is at close to an all-time low. Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. And I feel so behind/uninspired/unaccomplished and incapable that I'm afraid/don't really want to do anything.
That's why I'm simplifying my New Years Resolutions this year.
1. Go to therapy - Since my support system essentially crumbled last year, I think this is the best option. I'm hoping that therapy will give me clarity and restore my self-esteems and allow me to communicate and understand my thoughts and feelings a lot better. I'm hoping that with a restored self-esteem will allow me to be motivated and take on the world by storm again. At the very least it'll get me out the house and give me a reason to vent. The goal is to be on the right track to feeling full and fulfilled with myself and where I'm going to the point where I'm not relying on anyone else to fill my spirit or give me life. I want to be all the man I need.
2. Go to school - At the very least take a short course. I'm not 1000% sold on this datascience thing but, it needs to be in that realm of tech because I need to get this money. I haven't really put in the work to prepare for any of this and for that I am embarrassed but I'll get to it. I've determined that I really don't want a job that will require me to look at a computer for 8-10 hours a day, HOWEVER....if I do have a job like that making bank, I need it to be super flexible to allow me to take breaks...kinda like how I do when I work from home. Andrew Hermalyn, President of 2U Grad, and my boss's, boss's, boss's, boss's, boss, said that he takes an hour a day to either just to do something that's not work related whether it be connecting with colleagues, reading, or something else (basically a lunch break). If I can have the money to afford nice trips and be comfortable so that I could work from literally anywhere in the world (including a beautiful private beach)...man...that's the goal.
In other news should also be more sexually selective this year. I need to read more. And be encouraged. I'm about to put up some signs to motivate and encourage me. Words have meaning. Words have POWER. And seeing them everyday will hopefully make getting out of bed a little bit easier each time and get me on the path to working efficiently. I'm planning on moving back to Dad's this July but honestly, if I get a decent part-time job that helps me chip away at this credit card debt, it may not be necessary. Regardless, I need to move out of here...but I honestly think those signs are a great first step.
Alas, I have a lot of work I need to be doing and I need to be getting ready for Thailand as well. We leave on Sunday.
One Love
Ryo
Mood: Decent sweatdrop Music: "Four" - FAKY from Black Clover ED4 Music(2): "Giving Me Life" - Mariah Carey Featuring Slick Rick from Caution Music(3): "All The Man I Need" - Whitney Houston from I'm Your Baby Tonight
Ryonosuke · Tue Jan 08, 2019 @ 03:16am · 0 Comments |
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