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1/17/2018

Huhh... so, this is my first journal entry. For as long as I have associated myself with Gaia through the long forgotten years, I've never really written or even scratched the surface of my Journal because I never truly found it to be something I considered 'important'. And to be honest, I don't know of anyone who would really occupy their time reading what I have to say, be it personal, emotional, or family matters. The whole purpose of logging on here for some people is just to play online, be it during their free time when they have nothing else to do. To dress up, to decorate your own avatar, to build your dream home, that, we all know, we can't ever afford in reality. While some people build an entire profile and image just to create relationships with others and expand on a social scale. To know more about each other, maybe even yourself, than you never did before. Others, may even escape the real world and flee to the next best thing that offers them comfort, protection, a sense of belonging, and an identity. Every day people come and go in life, and what's more, people come and go online, disappear, reappear, and some just never return. The bad people, the people who hurt and do wrong, who break promises, who neglect and misuse us and our significant and individual worth for their own gain and benefit--they deserve to be gone, they deserve to leave, to stop intoxicating the things we value and hold dear to us that makes us human and breathe our next breath-- but the people we love, care about, we miss, we have grown with, we depend on to survive and to look up to through the harsh circumstances of life, those are the people who sometimes leave, and without meaning to, they are the people who sometimes leave us empty, hollow, missing a part of ourselves that we gave to them, and in return, we end up here, looking to grow again, looking to trust, to find another loved one like we once lost, trying to fill in the gaps of the world that was once taken from us, in hopes that maybe, just maybe, reconnecting again could be a possibility. It's not the people who harm and hurt, it's the ones we care about who just get buried under life, get buried under expectations, demands, the rule of reality. It's the people we miss that leave us trying to reach out towards more people who have endured the same, and to seek stability and trust in. Thus, we end up here. Seeking a home, seeing friendship, seeking a bond that could survive not just personally or privately behind an avatar we build of either our idealized interpretation of who we dream of being or of who we hide inside, but we seek a bond that could last a lifetime, that could remain unbreakable for eternity, that could be seen in the public eye. We seek a bond that reminds us that we can love, we can be something, mean something to someone. We can be someone when we are led to believe otherwise. The purpose of establishing solid ground, establishing a peace of mind on Gaia for that minor selection of people is to stand out, to belong, to feel like they're welcomed somewhere, where reality and the world offer no such place, no such invitation. Where dreams that are discarded in reality, can live on forever here and now.

I know people have their own insecurities, doubts, fears, and pain. They hide it inside of themselves, away from others, away from the world, away from the public face in general. Nobody knows they hurt, and they much rather tear themselves apart inside and out to help others who don't deserve it, who don't give them credit for how special they truly are, just to keep that pain from ever being discovered. And privately, people feel it's much safer and easier to reach out onto a platform that connects them to others who deal the same damage, with the same thinking and suffering. They create an entire new face, an entire new personality out of the avatar they look towards for identity, just hoping they could be accepted for theirs. If that isn't a fundamental aspect of how significant and valuable Gaia and its existence is for people, then I don't know what is.

So, here I am. Writing this. If you're thinking anything at all, you're probably wondering what portion of the group I belong to. Well, I don't think it was that hard to figure out. I've had this account for at least six years, but I left it behind because a close, dear, remarkable, amazing friend of mind disappeared. My friend, Andy. No, don't blame him. Nothing is his fault, nothing can ever be his fault. He was never and will never be at fault. Life gets the best of some people, and some people just become so swallowed underneath responsibilities, school, work, they just drift away without meaning to. Andy was my whole world, he was the ONLY friend I had to count on when we met. He will always remain the ONLY friend who ever cares. I was going through some rough patches in the past, lost people I thought were friends because I have been absent due to a dangerous accident I suffered endlessly through. I won't get into the details here and now, but, my only thought at the time was to be normal again. To be a normal, happy, rebellious person I used to be, to have my friends back when I was absent out of their lives. Turns out, they didn't feel the same way. They actually, coming straight from them, joked about me being dead. They never could, nobody, ever could understand or even imagine the pain I went through, and I try not to emphasize that pain to such an exaggeration or to gain any sympathy. But what I felt was beyond anyone to ever believe to be true. It was bad enough that you could say it all it was was exaggeration. But it wasnt. Pain never is an exaggeration. If you are looking for anything more truer and real, it's pain. Pain, exists. Pain is real. Pain, defines a human being. A human being reacts, responds to the stimulation of pain, regardless of if it is mental, emotional, or physical. Pain is an infliction that afflicts our bodies and our hearts in very serious and devastating ways. Pain will never not be something important.

Pain, for God sakes, the pain was there. It hurt. It hurt enough that crying myself to sleep at night, and wondering if I would ever be normal again was depriving me of ever believing I could live again as who I used to be. The pain was there when I was left behind by people. The pain was there when I was bullied. The pain was there when nobody could ever understand me, could ever truly wrap their minds around me, because I have just grown to be too damn difficult to figure out. And the pain is there, still is here, because I have had my trust stomped out of me, to the point that it has now become really hard to really rely on anyone to help me through it, to stay with me to see better, instead of walking away. Andy, Andy. He was the remedy to that pain. He was always the relief, the closure, the comfort, the pleasure I savored through the pain. He was the strength I had left to combat the pain. To endure the pain. To live with the pain. To accept the pain. He was my spirit, he was my motivation, he was my pride, my everything. He was my best friend. Will ALWAYS be my best friend. Will always be the one who has made such a tremendous impact, influence, difference in myself, in my will, in who I am now. because of his patience and understanding. His optimism, his spectacular outlook on life, his innocence, his decency, his goodness, is what I wanted, is what I looked up to to help me out of the hell that damned me. There was never once a time where he saw me as someone flawed. As someone who was insufficient, deficient. Lacking. Not enough. He never saw me as having flaws, he never saw me in ways people now see me as, or fail to try to see me as who I try to be. He saw me perfectly. He saw exactly what I want people to see. He didn't see through me, he saw in me. He loved and cherished me, for me, and he was there to continuously show me that.

We drifted on and off through communication several years after, but it got to the point that life became so busy it took him away from me, when I needed him, need him the most. I don't know how long it's been since we last actually spoke, but. I'm here now, and I'm waiting for you. I'm writing to you. I'm logging in daily, waiting for you and to see you online the same time I am.. I'm waiting on the hope that I can see you again, hear you again, hold onto you again. To grow with you by my side again. To give you the rest of me like you deserve to have. There was never a day in my life since we last spoke, to where I sit today, where I never thought about you and our old conversations. Or if you ever crossed my mind. The way you used to make me laugh, the way you helped me through my pain and emotional conflict, the way you saw me as an extraordinary person. Oh the levels you lifted me to. You are always on my mind, and since you have been gone, I have carried you, the remnants of you in my heart each time I sought shelter and understanding. Because that's what you were. That's what you always were. Always are. You were my rock, you were my home, you were what I was looking for in a person. You are my best friend. And nobody has ever replaced you, even compared or touched the brim of your relevancy in my life nor will they ever dare replace you from where you stand. Who can? I only have very few friends left. There is still a huge missing piece of myself gone that now belongs with you. But, you deserve it, you deserve that part of me, I just wish--no--I hope, I want, I long to give you the rest. You're an amazing, wonderful, magnificent, beautiful human being. I just want you to know that. I want you to know how much you mean to me. How much I value and depend on you. I want you to know that you have never left me, you have never abandoned me or let me down, or even disappointed me. You have NEVER left me to suffer or left me to hurt. You have never left me alone. So, don't you dare blame yourself. You are not at fault. You can never be at fault. I hope you know that. I hope you know that I'm still thinking about you. I still want you in my life. And...well...I love you. (As a best friend of course! Haha..)

I'm writing in my journal now, not to the public, not to gain sympathy or to benefit from it. I am writing in my journal now, because, you are my journal. And I figured, as much as I get busy, as much as I have put up with a lot of crap and trust issues since we've been away, as much drama and pain as I have endured since we last spoke, and the emotional and mental conflict I still fight with every day, that I am fighting with now, I want you to be here. I want you to be a part of it. I want you to hear what I have to say and what you've been missing. I want you to be included. I want you to know that I am coming to you even if you're not here. I want you to know that every day something crosses my mind, I think about you, and I think about what you've done to help me through it all. I just....I don't want it to stop. Please, please don't let it stop.

I know it's obvious I don't get on Gaia, never do, to play games, or because of the popularity. I get on Gaia because since we've last spoke, I've been so ******** lonely missing you, it's been eating me alive inside. And seeing how I have missed out on checking in on my account since you last logged in it has left me punishing myself, pushing myself to remain active and available so I could hear word from you again. Seeking your companionship like I have for a long time now.. Missing every bit of you.. I've been ******** lonely, and need something to keep me occupied, need something that keeps me distracted while relieving me from the personal complications I have been struggling with recently.. I need something I can escape to that isolates me in my own world, my own place, my own conditioned environment where I have all the time in the world that isn't rushed or expected, to meet new people, and to spend the next day logging on to ensure that I hear back from you. That I don't miss any opportunity I have to catch you by chance. That I don't miss you logging in one day when the chances are as low as they are right now...

The reason I've come back was because I have had you on my mind, and I was curious to see if you ever accepted my request. The reason I have stayed is because you did and you wrote your first lovely, heartfelt journal, just dedicated all to me, that, always leaves me in tears, my heart aching, and which has inspired me to use as a cover photo on my facebook page. That way, I have a valuable, beautiful, priceless piece of you I can hold on to that you have taken your time and consideration into crafting from your own heart, that nobody has ever once done specifically for me, that I can look at every time I feel displaced and lost...Knowing you were always, and will ALWAYS be the one who ever genuinely cared about me. Since I've seen that, I've been making as much contact as I could trying to send you messages and comments on things, but I doubt you even receive notifications from them on your email. For some reason I dont. So instead of spamming you messages talking about my day, I've just decided to remain here, active, talking to new faces, and dedicating my own journal entries to just you hoping the one I love comes back to check in on me. I've been here, active, keeping myself occupied and busy, distracted from worldly issues, my emotional issues, and seeking solidarity and a firm foundation on Gaia just so I could relate to people who feel the same as I have, all the while, waiting endlessly for you to return. Waiting, still eagerly, for your arrival. I've been alone and left behind. But, again, not from you. Just from everyone, from the world in general, from my real life friends in general. I don't do much during my days except lay around, and every minute I rely on a text message from my boyfriend (I'll tell you about him next time I write), to get me through the day, to give me someone to talk to, to give me meaning and stability, and to remind me that I matter. He's been having to put up with a lot of crap from me, a lot of drama and unnecessary issues and I know I hurt him in the process, he just doesn't show it. As much as he is truly amazing, remarkable, so headstrong and strong willed, I know it's impossible to really continue being that strong as he is when he has to put up with me and my difficulties, knowing how challenging I can get, without anything ever interfering and bothering him in the outcome. Especially with his own personal, academic, and family matters he's been having to put up with on top of it all... We last spoke on the 13th. It's been what four days without a word? I don't get on him because of the time restraint, I know he's obsessively busy with the work he does. But....what concerns me is the last time we spoke, he didn't seem too sure about us...about me...and at this point, I'm starting to fear if I'm ever going to hear from him again...and I fear...losing what I have dreamed of in a man that he has and I love unconditionally... The last spiraling mental breakdown I went through I made him a little angry, but I can't blame him for that. I have been degraded and devalued, rejected, cheated, hurt, and replaced so many times, it just becomes a habit to hear or to fill myself up with so much paranoia until it degrades and demeans me even more. Pushing away the people I love. Seeing as how very little I am compared to how perfect he really is, and how small and insignificant I am because of how I have been treated in the past.

So, not only is not hearing from him worrying me, or texting him scaring me, in fear of what he might say...but I start school again tomorrow after my winter break, and I am already crammed with so much work. I'm assuming you must be too... My teacher expects me to read a whole entire chapter by Friday, all 1.9 of the contents, PLUS read my powerpoint notes, and I just...can't...push myself to confidently feel like I can do them all in time and meet the deadline, when I feel so pressured, unsure of myself, and I don't have the motivation to encourage myself to do it with what's been going on with me lately... It's not the only class I have either. I have four more other college classes. Two online. I just can't understand why there is just SO much work the first week I come back, and particularly, why I have to read a weeks worth to be ready for the next day...I am scared about how hard this semester may be for me mentally and emotionally. I'm even uncertain about my Personal Finance class. I don't know anything about money, I cant count money or read money...I mean, I know that's kind of the reason why I took the class. But I just hope...I actually understand what's going on and how to do what's required of me..I fear the result, I fear the outcome of what I feel may happen...because I'm just...so...unstable. Shook. And I'm not that proud of myself right now to really feel or believe I have enough encouragement and support to guide myself through it relatively easy.

So, yeah.. I don't know what to feel. I'm confused, scared, tired, hurt, I feel rushed, worried, I feel like I can't do it... I feel like I can't push myself to do it.. I just...wish you were here..I wish I could hear from you, so you can ease me through this anxiety.. I can only hope I can get things finished before Friday, and I can only hope I get a message from my boyfriend but, at the same time, I'm scared too... I'm worried about him...and I'm worried about him being worried about us.. I sent a lot of messages reminding him that no matter how complicated I get, only he knows how to support me through it and remind me of better, but, no response has been received yet... He is like the LAST relationship I have pushed myself to confide in. And only he has proved to me time and time again that I can trust him entirely and completely just as much as he does for me. He is everything I have wanted for a long time. I spent a good several years worth trying to impress him, chase him down, compete for him, and even got on his nerves in fights a couple of times because I was always jealous of the people he was with. I see a future with him. I see a lifetime with him...I want him to see that too.. I want him to want that too, and not see me as something temporary, but, he's more logical than most, he looks at things as they are now before fantasizing about the future...Should I be concerned about that? Isn't it healthy to think those things? I don't know...I shouldn't have to feel intimidated talking about the future with him. He should know it's a very important thing, a very special thing that should be shared with someone you truly love. I see that in him, I want to share that with him. But... I don't know if he feels the same. I mean, it's only been 9months, heh.. we've been best friends for about 4 years ^^'' but, still. If my love for him is that strong, it should be safe to think about, right? Anyways....I'll update you if things change this week/weekend. I hope things are going better for you, always the absolute best, than they do for me. I hope you're adjusting to school better than I have been. And I hope you're safe from the winter storm up there! I got a little snow and sleet from that storm Tuesday before it pushed up North. Been out Tuesday and Wednesday so the extra two days have been nice. You're too smart for college, haha. If you're starting back though, I'd like to wish you the best this week, and...if you ever have time to log on when I'm not online, please consider contacting me with the information I gave you. PLEASE don't hold back like last time. No matter how long it's been since we last talked, I always NEED to hear from you. You are no burden, and you were not the cause of me getting upset and writing that profile that you saw. Those were past personal issues I was dealing with from other people. None of that was related to you and you leaving. So don't blame yourself for something you didn't do. The email address and phone number are my current, and if they change, I'll update it for you.

I'll talk to you later...

-Ashton