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Halloween is around the corner, American's favorite holiday for adults and children alike to celebrate the tradition of dressing up as spooky ghost, sexy pirates, and infamous Hollywood inspired vampires. It's a special night for being someone or something you're not in your normal day to day life, it's a night of thrills, chills, fun, and treats. For me however; it's more antithetical in nature.
Halloween is more of a time for somber reminiscing, deep profound thought, and heightened overtones of melancholy. Not too dissimilar to the roots of the holiday, the origin of Halloween comes from the Celtic's acknowledgement of the changing of the seasons.Back then Hallow's Eve was marked on the Celtic's calendar as beginning of winter, and the end of their year; it was as if to bring this metaphorical phenomenon to life, the literal occurrence of death personified.
There is something almost romantic about the dying foliage and how it changes from the warmest shades of red, orange, and yellow, to a faded dry crumbly brown upon entering it's demise. The temperatures begain to drop into extremely uninhabitable frosty depths, and a mystical aura floods the earth, forcing all of mother earth's creatures to bundle up and seek shelter for warmth. It's spellbinding to witness the sight of darkness slowly creep its way into the early afternoon demanding the nights to grow longer while forcing the days to fall shorter. There is such an odd attraction in nature during the changing of the seasons, how it triggers our most primal of instincts to subconsciously lead us to flock to one another, for bettering the odds and chance of survival during the cold winter months.
How anybody can find magic and joy through such harsh transitions in nature is in and of itself a peculiar anomaly. We have taken such great strides in evolution as a species. We have our intellect that allows us to be conscientiously aware of our own existence yet subsequently apprehensive of our inevitable impending demise. Our ability to think, sympathize, use compassion, logic, to create, to build, and to learn is so extraordinary... and yet our ability to feel emotions such as love, hate, humility, fear, and shame is so humbling.
As I watch another year pass by I can't help but think how much different things would be if you were still alive and with me today. I can help but to reminisce about the subjectively insignificant moments we shared and how they play in my head like old home movies. I remember you aimlessly driving around the city in the van all night waiting for your dad to leave for work so we could sneak back into his house in hopes for a soft warm bed to cuddle in, I remember playing video games in our first apartment together in our bedroom back to back on our own separate consoles, only pausing every so often to smooch or use the bathroom. I remember the tattoo you gave me using the same original puzzle piece stencil from your cheek tattoo, to tattoo my neck while I lay in your childhood bed where you told me I was the missing piece to your puzzle. I remember our last day together when you were sick, I was taking care of you before I had to leave for work and we watched 'A Fault Within Our Stars' together and joked about how you were going to die and leave me to face this world alone.
Then I remember how you begged me to stay home from work, how horrible you felt, and how you didn't wanna wait for me to get off work to take you to the hospital.
I remember the phone calls I received from the nurse and your dad telling me to come to the hospital as soon as I could, to say goodbye.
I remember my last words to you I whispered into your ear, I was crying while looking at all the tubes hooked into your unconscious, lifeless, bloated body. I promised to you right before you passed away that if you made it out alive I would literally do anything for you, I promised I'd take care of you, financially support both of us until you got better, find us a nice house out on the west coast to raise our child, finally finish art school, and find a carrier in the gaming industry that would provide stable income and decent health care for us.
Sometimes I think back on that day, and I still cry from time to time. I find it hard to get close to people anymore, and I miss you everyday. When fall rolls around I think about how we could celebrate your birthday. It's getting cold out, everybody is excited for the changing of the seasons, not me, however, I'm looking forward to seeing you again during this mystical dark time of year, hopeful that our paths will cross again during this Hallows Eve.