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Okay, I will add more later, but here are some jokes that I love.
They're hilarious and I can't always remember them, so I'll keep them here.

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25 signs you have grown up.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s**t".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s**t what the hell happened?".
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Okay, here's another joke. Hopefully nobody will take offense by it though.


A plane with four men, a frenchman, an englishman, a mexican, and an american, is going steadily down. The pilot says, "We need to get rid of some weight. If anyone wants to jump, it could save us."

The frenchman says, "Vive le France!" and jumps out of the plane.

The englishman says, "Long live the queen!" and jumps out of the plane.

The american says, "Remember the Alamo!" and pushes the Mexican out of the plane.
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Here's another joke that hopefully isn't offensive, but here it is.


Mexico has had a large earthquake. Many Mexicans are killed and riots are everywhere. The Mexican government is trying all they can to put down the riots and help rebuild, but it's too difficult.

Canada sends policemen.

The Middle East sends Oil.

Europe, except for France, sends other supplies.

The U.S., not to be out done, send 200,000 replacement Mexicans.
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This joke was a little hard to remember, so if it sucks, I'm sorry >_<;;


A woman calls the hospital. The lady that answers asks how she can help.
The woman says, "Yes I was wondering how Sarah Finkle in room 302A is doing."
The lady responds, "Hold on one moment, let me connect you to the 3rd floor."
The receptionist on the 3rd floor picks up and says, "Yes, how may I help you?"
The woman says, "I was wondering how Sarah Finkle in room 302A was doing."
The receptionist says, "Well she's doing very well. Her vitals are up, her blood pressure is much better, she's eating and her medicines are working well. If all goes well, the doctor is planning on releasing her this afternoon."
The woman says, "Oh thank God! What a relief!"
The receptionist says, "By the sound of it, I would say you are a pretty close relative."
The woman replies, "No, I'm Sarah Finkle in room 302A. Nobody here tells me s**t!"
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Here's 39 things to remember...most are funny, some I'm not quite sure about.


39 things to keep in mind...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans the make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to indentify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings".

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur build the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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And here's the last one. I really like this one :3


A woman fonud a bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years...I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the ******** map again."
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I think I have some more jokes somewhere, or some that I remember. If you would like to hear some more then send me a message, but leave a comment and tell me what everyone thinks of these jokes ^^