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Getting Over Someone I Love(d) Part 4/?: Bearing w/ the Pain
I saw him today with her. I'm seeing them more and more often as they visit the same places he and I used to occupy. It hurts, dear readers, it hurts so incredibly much.
Truly incredible. It's over four months, over a third of a year, and it still hurts so much.
But what else can I do but bear with it? What else can I do but avoid the scene? And when I look up and see him smiling with her, what else can I do but merely... look away? And place a trembling hand over my ever-breaking heart and hope that one day, it'll stop hurting? What else can I do but bear with the pain?
It's... oddly a nice pain. Dear readers, I cannot recall if I have mentioned this to you directly, but a handful of days ago, I turned grey.
I couldn't be sad or happy. I just... maintained a life without being alive. Just there, I had been, a hollow shell. And while it was relieving to not be constantly in tears, it... was unsatisfying. Nothing meant anything and everything meant nothing and I... just observed the world, detached.
But after a major breakdown, I have returned to my now-regular pained self. It's not... It... I...
Perhaps I am masochistic for this pain pulls at my heart and I... miss feeling anything with my heart. I see him with her and my insides yell out and my joints shake and my tummy turns and my heart! My heart feels crushed and ground and simmered on medium low heat, aha.
Oh, that's what I wanted to share. I haven't slept for a while, running on two energy drinks. This morning in Physics class (my absolute favourite time of day), I had the most... natural-seeming cannibalistic urge. Like, oh, please don't be scared, dear readers.
Most of my urges are suppressed by my social anxiety. I will not eat you, or him, or her.
Unless given consent.
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