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NOTICE: Before reading I recommend not considering this as a cry for help. I have been through many Physiological Programs, all of which have been out patient, for years. I also have recently started working on the first step of the AA program, not to mention I have completed all twelve steps of the Cutters Anonymous program. I have an IQ of 165, so I fully understand what this would appear as to anyone who has a basic understanding of Physiology. Furthermore like many individuals with a high IQ, I suffer from several learning disorders, and physiological disabilities. However this rare look into my mind is real and how my thoughts flow. I am sharing this as a way to explain how I figure matters of my own life out. I have removed a large section of the original entry which is stored locally on my hard drive, because this is a part of my actual journal, or dairy. Many men will call me a woss or worse, for keeping one, however I started keeping one as a way to express myself and not comprise the interrogatory of my favorite past time, and passion of writing.


Despair, it slowly sinks in as happiness slowly dissipates. Love turns to pain, and sorrow morphs into a drug. It flows through my veins, and pain fills my heart. Depression rushes over me like the waves crashing into a cliff side. I stand unmoved yet everything around me seems to erode and adapt. A meaning lost, a soul torn. Uncertainty grows like fire, and a heart is left scorched. Black as can be yet frozen in stone, what has ruined me?

Was it the woman I claim to love yet I doubt own words? Was it the woman who shattered me and made me come clean? Maybe it was the one I gave up everything for and know i love? Perhaps it was the one who I lost? I don't know for since the loss of one woman, who loves me still today. Although she does not take breath, yet she knew every fiber of my soul. I let her leave this mortal world, with hate in my heart, and never truly mourned. A child should never feel hate, for so long, for the one who bore them. Yet I cling to my hate, my pain, and my memories which cut me deeper than any blade. Those memories and that pain, i bury and hide along with my shame.

I lied, I fought, I stole, and worse of all I hate. I fight the demons within me, knowing I alone do not have the strength to overcome them. Yet until I feel the type of love I lost, i refuse to seek an ally in my battle. My heart still pines for one an ocean in distance away.