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moving past the horrible thoughts

this whole year has been a complete struggle.
from the whole ordeal of finding a new apartment, the realization that I could no longer continue a relationship that I had known for months was technically over, the isolation and estrangement from my father and his side of the family, my complete and total emotional breakdown from being dragged to a stranger’s bed when I was too drunk to even know his name, the ensuing chaos that was the destruction of my self-worth and respect.

I have been through some s**t this year. I have found myself in such dark places that I thought the light was not just not visible, but snuffed out completely. I have come face to face with monsters that have been borne of the cesspool of negativity stewing within my core.

I thought I could be that kind of strong-willed, emotionally-detached girl who could leave the boys behind without having to watch them go. But I have found myself staring at their backs wondering why they wouldn’t turn around, while the evidence of their conquest lingered and burned the surface of my skin.

Was it something wrong with me?
Had I lost that touch, that special quality that made me sacred, a fierce entity deserving of sacrifice and devotion?
Did I really give that up when I decided to give my body to whomever I pleased, with so little discretion?
Was it really that fragile?

I refuse to accept that as a truth.
This is my reality and only I can set the value for my worth.
I am more than what I have allowed myself to be treated as these past few months.
I do not have iron skin and I am far more vulnerable than I would have liked anyone to know.
And I simply cannot cover that up with acts of meaningless sex, though try as I might.

I am a god and I will not let people sap away my power without reciprocation, without the worship I need to continue to give life.
I have given up far too much and I will not stand for it anymore.
This pattern I have set up is far too toxic and I am becoming far too spiteful.
I need more, and I am deserving of it.
This status quo will no longer work.

Let me clarify, however, that my lack of self respect did not come from sleeping with multiple people.
It came from a much deeper place. Perhaps a very ******** up need for validation… and I can see now that I will not be able to get what I’m looking for on this path.
I am above this. Not saying I am above this lifestyle, lots of people I’m sure can do this kind of stuff without a sweat. But I am above trying to force myself to be okay with something that is just a constant source of pain for me.

I have to take care of myself. I just need to focus on healing the right way. I don’t need anyone except for my friends. Not these ******** who could give less of a s**t about me. Why am I wasting my time on these people? I have given up control of my world, and I am going to get it back. I don’t need them.

I know my worth and from this point forward, I will not settle for less.