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Something is not right. I can feel it in the bit of my stomach. I've always had this feeling that Barb wasn't always being honest with me. Even when we were just casually dating I just felt like there was something about him that's untrustworthy. But I played it off as being paranoid. I was unfaithfully and lied in my last relationship so naturally I'm gonna assume that same thing is gonna happen to me. But the thing is, when you have been the bad one. When you have been the creep who cheated and lied. The one who wanted something else but refused the leave the relationship. You know what the signs are...really well. And for a while I could ignore them. But I don't think I can anymore.

He refuses to come out to his grandparents who live next door to him. It's been almost a year, and they are really suspicious of who I am, but he still refuses to do it. I feel like if he was serious about being with me forever then he would have done it by now. But that's not really the big one.

We hardly ever have sex anymore. I feel like I have to force myself on him to make him interested in me. And even then it feels like we are just going through the motions. There is no passion in it anymore no matter how hard I try.

He's always looking at something on his phone, and when I come near it quickly changes tabs or turns it off. To me that is a really big red flag. Cause when i was doing that it was because I was exchanging pictures with other guys. Now I don't know if that's the case or not. I sneaked up behind him a couple of weeks ago and saw that he was looking at porn on tumblr and quickly tried to change the page when he realized I was coming up. Which that doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is that he is hiding it. Like if he thinks I think he's horny that I will make him have sex with me. And that kind of hurts my feelings.

This last one got to me though. He was messaging some random gay guy on facebook. I kept seeing the messages pop up on his phone, and it looked like they had been talking for awhile. And Barb was very quick to reply to them, so he was clearly interested. I looked up the dude name on my phone and he lives a bit way, but not too far for Barb I'm sure. His last boyfriend lived in a whole other country. My heart it kind of breaking right now.

I'm gonna have to break up with Barb. I don't wanna be the one stuck in love with someone who doesn't feel the same. And I feel like the sooner the better. For the past couple of weeks I've been saying in my head I'm gonna have to break up with him. He doesn't love me and I need to let him go. But then something would happen and I would get all gooshy for a moment and convince myself that I was being stupid. But not this time. I should be feeling this way about a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I am gonna let him go. Just rip the bandage off and try to be ok.

I really do love him. But it's one sided. I see that now.