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Uuuuugh, maaaaaan.
I just made a really happy journal post, and now here I am making a depressed one again.
So I don't think anything is going to happen with that girl.
We haven't talked since that first conversation.
That's not what's got me upset though, I never expected anything to happen with her.
The thing is, I'm talking to my friend about the past.
8th grade the past. let me explain what happened first.
So in 7th grade, I pretty much hung out exclusively with four people:
Patrick, Matthew, Stephanie, and Patience (though I never spoke to Patience as a friend until later).
Stephanie was a cool girl, and she was really my only girl friend at the time.
She was weird, and me and Matthew used to call her the Alien because of it (long story that even I can't remember).
So we hung out a lot, and Mattew was pretty much my best friend.
Because it was 7th grade and we were awkward teenage boys, I kept trying to find out who my friend liked. One day, I actually got him to shout "THE ALIEN" at the end of school as we were leaving.
Then summer came.
I spent a lot of time on facebook.
I decided to look some people up, and what do you know, I find Stephanie.
So I add her.
And we start to talk.
A lot.
Like, 100 comment long conversations. I can't even remember what they were about.
It was starting to get close to 8th grade, and I just remember her saying she was kinda excited to see me and Matthew again.
So school has started, and I'm hanging out with her a lot, still chatting on facebook.
Eventually our conversation drifts off to relationships and (I forget the context, probably something about bitchy girls) I mention something about the girls I like.
At first she said "I didn't know you liked girls..." which wasn't a surprise, my own parents thought I was gay.
But then she tried to find out who I liked.
I never really thought about it, but it turns out I liked her.
I avoided the question, and the next day, she tried to figure it out.
It was terrible, I didn't know what to say.
And then Patience sent me a message on facebook.
Like I said, we never really talked. She was cool, I guess, but I didn't really consider her a proper friend. She for some reason was very interested in who it was.
She asked me a lot of names.
She even asked me if it was her I liked, and I said no.
But when she asked about Stephanie, I said yes.
And then she tried to get me to ask Stephanie out.
I remember seeing a post by Stephanie about a boy who never asked out his friend, who eventually died. I don't know, it was supposed to be romantic.
It was the biggest hint ever, and I totally didn't even recognize it.
She finally convinced me to do it: I asked her out. Through facebook.
Yeah, through facebook. Shut up, I was awkward.
I was not really ready for a relationship. She was cool, and I liked her, but she was my first girlfriend. She was gorgeous too, probably the most attractive girl in my school at the time.
Eventually we started holding hands, and even kissed. It got to the point where I would walk her to this cross walk down the road from the school, kiss, and then I'd walk back in the opposite direction towards my house.
We never fought.
We kissed every day unless someone was sick, and held hands whenever we saw eachother in the hall.
It lasted probably 4 months before I started to notice things getting... slow?
We went to a dance together, and being the awkward kid I was, I refused to dance with her. Right when I was starting to warm up, the dance ended.
It wasn't a formal thing, it was a teenage party style dance we had in the cafeteria in the school.
That's when Matthew found out we were dating.
He really looked upset.
I was pretty good friends with Patience at this point
and I remember her talking about a boyfriend she had.
He lived halfway across the continent, I think his name was Dinen? Dillan? Something strange.
Anyway, she was getting a bit upset because she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life.
She was unhappy, that much was clear.
But she wasn't sure if she wanted to wait for Dinen to come down or move up there, or date someone closer to home. She mentioned that Dinen saved her life, because she had been depressed.
Well, I mentioned that Stephanie pretty much saved mine too.
I was suicidal in 7th grade, especially in the summer. I even started googling "most painless ways to die" before I started talking to her.
Anyway, month 5 comes up and things really start changing.
She has more friends walk with us.
Matthew stops walking with us.
She forgets to wait for me once or twice.
We don't talk that day.
I noticed it way before it came, she wasn't going to be with me for much longer.
Month 6, and I'm sitting outside in the bike lot talking to Matthew while I wait for her.
He goes inside to get his little brother and out she comes.
Alone.
" I have to tell you something..."
********
"You deserve better than me... I can't let you keep dating me."
And it broke off, just like that.
We stopped talking after that day, and it actually became painful to look at her.
The other half of 8th grade crawls on by, and freshman year pops up.
Patrick is oblivious to the fact that I still loved her.
In the halls, when I see her, I can't help but look at her.
And sigh.
Mid year, and s**t goes down at home.
Our house is trashed, and my idiot father gets child services called to our home.
I end up living with my grandma for 3 or 4 months.
The bus I ride?
It's her bus.
And Patrick's bus.
Patrick has always been friends with Stephanie, but almost in a mocking way.
She used to hate him, think he was foul and stupid.
But she actually talks to him now.
I'm sitting on the bus, next to Patrick.
He get's her to sit behind us.
I don't know if she knows it's me...
It's eating me up.
He's talking, asking me things, etc.
I never turn around.
Things go back to normal after I go back to my bus.
I hang out with Matthew and Patrick in the Library during lunch.
I don't eat.
Matthew hates his life.
Every day, he says it.
I hate my life.
I do too, life sucks.
I hate my meth-head father.
I hate my sisters who ignore me.
I hate my mom, who treats my sisters like angels.
Life goes one, I'm too tired to consider suicide.
I did cut myself once.
It hurt.
I hated it.
I constantly wear a thick black jacket, with long curly hair that covers my face.
School year ends, hello summer.
Sophomore year.
Life's pretty normal.
I stay home a lot.
Matthew hates his life.
He says so everyday.
I do too.
Life sucks, but I'm too tired to care.
Patrick is... crazy.
Constantly rough, constantly fighting, constantly in trouble.
Too tired to care that he punches me.
Too tired to care that he insults me.
******** it.
Schedule changing, due to my lack of attendance.
Get put in a history class.
Teacher is a jock.
Taking attendance one day when
"Stephanie ___"
...
I... can't not stare.
I miss her.
I hate that class.
I do everything in my power to not be conscious or look up during that class.
Failing most classes.
Get put in online schooling.
School ends.
I try to go to school next year.
I can't.
I have foot problems.
I zig-zag around the school too much.
Online schooling again.
New program.
I create a facebook page out of boredom.
Ask Patrick if he wants to help.
!0 likes?
Cool.
50?
Wow.
100?
Hey, sweet.
I don't touch it during christmas, I'm busy with school,
I come back in January.
I see a message
"You have been kicked from this page."
What? I made it...
See a message on the page.
"The original owner quit, so I'm running it now"
What the hell...
Me and Patrick fight.
I stop talking to him.
I block him on facebook.
I email Matthew sometimes.
Chatting about nothing in particular.
Chatting about facial hair.
Now terrible parents.
And then he mentions something from the past...
"Nearby elephants slap wales"
It was me, Stephanie and his way of remember the directions on a compass.
Brings back memories.
I'm a different person now,
Confident
Content? I guess
Old wounds are bleeding again.
I miss her, but I know she's not the same.
I know she was never as good as I remember.
But I miss that connection.
To another human.
Someone who cared about me.
I miss her taste on my lips.
Her warmth on my palms.

I miss love, even if it wasn't the longest lived or even the most intense.


But then I start to think
Matthew wasn't depressed in middle school.
He was awkward, and he was sorta stalking Stephanie
(he had her address and schedule written on a piece of paper, which he shoved into her locker out of fear of her finding it on him)
Ever since middle school, he's been unhappy.
I recall something he said in sophomore year.
"Why can't I ever have the people I want?"

I made him the unhappy mess he is.
I ruined a human being.