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I don't really know how to write a blog or really a diary I would always try to write to fast, because I would have so much to say or I just couldn't finish it. Well let me start by saying my name is Katrina i'm 22 year's old and I have had a hard past, but when I look back now it could have been worse. Before I was in elementary school and all thru those year's my cousin would repeatedly rape me every chance he got. I never told anyone I mean what did I really know I was so little and scared. I never really talked to anyone and I was always alone so I got picked on alot. My parent's were always working and well I should mention at the time we lived on a ranch, well as i was saying they were always gone so i was left alone to roam around. It wasn't that bad I had an amazing time playing in the river and playing in the woods. As time went on my parent's got a divorce and mom took me and my little brother away from my dad we moved around alot after that. I was so mad at my mom because I never got a choice in the matter I was to young to understand she would say. That never really made sense to me I was old enough for them to leave me alone for hours but couldn't stay with my dad. I remember about that time my cousin was never around so I was happy about that but then my uncle decided he wanted to rape me when he got the chance. I cant even tell you how upsetting it was for me to have people who your supposed to trust and love hurt you that way. I felt so betrayed and angry I just wanted to kill myself so i went to cutting just to feel something anything. I even tried suicide it was a very dark period of my life I can't even explain to you in words how sad and hurt i was just typing this makes me tear up. So when I entered middle school things stopped but for me it was to late I was picked on in school really bad and I didn't have any friends. It was hard dealing with all this by myself and being alone was so bad. I was so mad at my parents and disgusted with myself I even hated myself I told myself i didn't deserve to be happy and to have friends but I didn't even trust anyone though so how could I. I remember towards the end of middle school the bullying got alot worse it was really bad but I never told anyone about it. I just stood there and endured it I tried to defend myself but it only made it worse. God the times I just wanted to end my suffering I wanted to stop all this pain at night I would cry myself to sleep every night and cut myself and my parent's never knew all this pain I was in they had no clue. How could you tell a mother who thought you were being over dramatic what you were going thru and a dad who wasn't really around because he was always working. At the end of middle school I finally got the courage to tell someone about my uncle she was the school counsiler. Of course she called my mom and told her my mom cried for a little bit but she wasn't there consoling me i was helping her more than she was helping me. She tried taking me to therapists but they didn't really care they just wanted the money and it was clear that's what they wanted they didn't want to really help me. So I never really talked to them my mom stopped taking me and we never talked about it. My mom decided to put me in a private school and it was ok it was clear that I didn't really belong there but I wasn't getting bullied so it wasn't to bad. I had stopped cutting for awhile and actually made a friend I never told him what happened because i was afraid he would hate me and then i would get bullied again. So that was my Jr high it was kinda nice and quiet. Except my adopted brother I found was wanting to be more than brother and sister with me well i guess you would call it adopted half brother it's a complicated situation really. I only thought of him as a brother and I told him that he knew how I felt. He didn't care my freshman year he tried to rape me but I was tired of hurting I got the courage to call the cops on him.That was one of the hardest things that I had to do and it was one of the worst times of my life to honest. My family my own half sister and brother took his side the abandoned me. It hurt worse when my sister even helped him and hung out with him because I loved my sister so much I looked up to her I was so proud to be her sister. I wanted to be just like her she was beautiful, strong, confident and she left me all alone she stabbed me in the back. I missed birthday's, holiday,s , special occasions everything. God I really tried killing myself I went back to cutting I tried drowning myself I tried pills but nothing worked and here again I was all alone to deal with this. I don't even think my dad cared he never did anything I hated him for so long. How could a father who said they loved you let people hurt you like that how could he not do anything and what was worse is that he still to this day talk's to my cousin and my adopted half brother. I didn't understand I still don't fully understand why. So my life in high school was terrible they wouldn't let me go do anything really because i had to take care of my little brother I had to beg them to let me go out for a couple hours. My little cousin mel moved in with us for awhile and of course we had to share a room which I didn't really mind. Until she started staying longer and longer we had a bunk bed and she got a mattress and I got a plywood bored to sleep on. I hated everyone even myself so when I turned 17 I moved out with a friend that didn't last long really he was a creep. I apologized to him for using him like that but things got weird he started to stalk me asking everyone about me. It was my fault I put myself in that position I just wanted out to feel free for once in my life. So I moved back home and things did change for a little while then went right back to the way they were. This is all I can write for today I'll finish up when I can bring myself to it.
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