Well guess who's back! thats right.. me!!! Feeling lonely and I feel like I really need somewhere to go.. so here I am. Today though, I wont be talking about school, Im here about Alex. God he's incredible, and I really really mean that.
But lately I've been thinking about the distance, the thing that makes our relationship 10 times harder than a normal one and it really makes me feel like sh*t.
First of all, we have to communicate through text. I mean we have called each other before, I've heard his (amazing) voice so its not like we've never talked on the phone. He used to call and tell me goodnight. But, I'm just so awkward on the phone, and I make him feel like I don't want to be talking. I try my hardest not to be shy though, for him. Also, we could skype, and I really want to, I just dont have a web cam yet. YET. I will get a cheap one though so that we could talk face to face..... so to speak. I guess what Im saying is it is kind of hard to keep things going through text messages. Note that I said, its hard, not impossible. If we try hard enough, I'm not too worried (truth is I'm f*cking stressed over it).
Next is the fear that I'm pretty sure every ldr couple has to deal with. The fear, and insecurites that they'll find someone who ....
a) can make them happier than you can
b) is more attractive than you
c) get bored of you
Honestly, all of these things keep my up all night thinking, and worrying and imagining a bunch of horrible things that could happen. I mean really, he lives in LAS VEGAS. Can you imagine how many beautiful girls live there?! and how many visit there?! I bet that he notices hot girls everyday. Girls with boobs, and perfect hair, and well pretty much everything that I don't have. And not only that, but these girls can physically make him happy. They can hug him, make out with him, hold him, everything that I cant do 500 miles away. It makes me sick.
Last, is the one I've been dwelling on a lot tonight. So, he's been hung up on something that happened today, about getting hit by a taxi, talking to police, being exhausted, etc.. A normal girlfriend could hug him, and kiss him, and cuddle with him until he feels better. But me? Oh, I can shoot him a text telling him I love him and how much I wish I could make him feel better. Pretty crappy right? Just not being able to really cheer him up kills me. It really breaks my heart, because I want to be able to make him smile and make him feel better but I really cant do that as well as I should. He means the world to me and I wish I could cheer him up but.. I cant do it.
One more week and we'll be to a month. Even in this small amount of time, I think we've been through more than a lot of "normal" relationships. (well any that I've been in). We've been through miscommunication, hurt, jealousy, and we've had our share of fights. There we're times when I honestly felt like we had no future, and others when we we're almost planning our future. The best thing about Alex though, is there will be times when he's busy, and when we hit a rough patch, he'll always remind me that he loves me, and he'll always tell me to please stick with him. On one particular "bad day" he told me that we have to fight through it. He pretty much always makes me feel better about us. So, maybe we don't have a perfect relationship, and we haven't been together for long but I think we are really truly trying.
Distance is hard. It takes a lot of trust and patience. But its also kind of a beautiful thing ya know? Here we are, 500 miles apart and we fell for each other. But, I guess no one said it would be easy.
Well thats all for today. And I suppose I don't know what the future is for me and Alex. All I can do is hope we have a very very long future. Together.
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