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My Eternal Darkness
This eternal darkness stands infront of me, looming and creeping slowly in on me. The darkness wishes to envelop me and contain me forever, never letting me see a speck of light again. As each day passes on the darkness creeps closer and closer. I see no hope of ever overcoming this black hole. Every person I meet doesn't see it hovering close to me. This darkness stalks me everywhere I go. It haunts me in my sleep and my dreams. It is so strong that I can cfeel it's strong pull, trying to pull me into it. This darkness wants to make my life as pitch black as it possibly can. All my life, the darkness has hovered over me. Sometimes it has disappeared but something always happens and the next thing I know, the darkness returns again. The darkness forever will cause me pain and suffering. It will never rest until it has completely destroyed my life. Sometimes I don't ever want to wake up, always fearing the worst to come, involving the darkness. This never-ending blackness taunts me every single day, causing unpleasant thought and using my worst fears against me to drive in further into it. I have feared for so long that no one, even the people that can see this darkness looming over me, will come forth and save me from this fate. The unpleasant thoughts have ranged from so many things, most recently wanting to disappear from life forever. Though this thoughts have invaded my mind, i am able to quickly shakes them from my mind. These thoughts are very strong to me but I am stronger so I can resist them, but I fear that the day may come when I just give up fully and actually fulfill one of these thoughts.I know I have friends and family that love me much, but some days it feels like no one will pay me any attention because they're too busy with their own lives. Because of this darkness, I know that I have caused a lot of people so much pain. This darkness invades my mind, always at the perfect time, and changes what i truly want to say and makes me say something that causes people to get mad at me. The darkness blinds all light and hope from my eyes causing me to only see gray and blackness all around me. This darkness will soon cause me to roam through nothing but darkness and pain, keeping me alive but at the same time alone. I will soon be roaming forever through the darkness, alive but alone, for no one will ever want to step forward and save me from this terrible fate set in my future.
I keep glancing at this future in my own mind and keep thinking that maybe my friends' lives and my family's lives would be so much better if i disappeared for good. I keep thinking to myself, "Would it matter if I still lived, even though I ruin everybody's lives?" The answer that I keep thinking of is, "No, it wouldn't matter to a lot of people." There is probably only a select few people that would care if I disappeared and those are all of my friends. My family would probably be fine after a week of me being gone. Nobody in my family really treated me right. My brother used to treat me like a slave always asking my to get something and do something for him when he could've easily done it himself. My mom yells at me for even screwing up on the tiniest thing, even though it doesn't affect HER life and it was my fault to begin with.
This eternal darkness is like a wall. Soon forever blocking my sight from this world making me see only darkness and pain. The darkness will soon have me in it's clutches and begin to have it's way with me, taking away all my hope and pride. It will turn into a never-ending abyss forever blocking my sight of the bright light that I long for to see so much. The only thing it wants to accomplish with me is to make my life a living hell without a guardian angel and without any hope of escape. This abyss will crush me having no true fresh air to breathe from. The pain of all my failures and broken promises will come from the sunken depths and cut away slowly at my heart, breaking it piece by piece until I am no more. This pitch-black nothingness will then swallow me down into the pit of despire where my pain and suffering continues. Inside of this nothingness, I'll never escape from my pain. Inside this darkness, I'll remain forever with no hope anymore. Inside of this abyss, I'll die with no one caring about me when I do. Inside this nothingness, I always dream of light but awake to darkness. Inside this pitch-black cloud of death, nothing will remain alive to me. This black hole hovering around me is slowly pulling me inside, covering my eyes with it's dense fog, forever limiting my sight to just pitch black. This lingering darkness forever blinds me from the rays of hope around me. The darkness will forever be my eternal prison from hope.
I never find peace and love inside this black-hole. The only thing here inside for me is blindness, pain, suffering, loneliness, and a broken, painful heart. This slow blinding darkness has blocked a small portion of my vision right now. It will slowly creep over my entire eyesight, making me see only the blackness it carries. It has completely covered my heart, taking away all of the happiness in my life leaving only sorrow behind. The sorrow left behind from this darkness will slowly tear me apart, from the inside to the outside. The blue horizon I long for has changed into a pitch-black horizon constantly haunts me. It taunts me with dreams that are in my past that cause me intense pain. It keeps causing my heart to break more and more every day. I honestly know how long I have before I've fallen so deep inside the darkness. It's been causing so much pain in my life and I just can't take it anymore. Every time I sleep it's always about the same person every single time. The situation is always different but it ends up always ending the same way. This darkness constantly torments me in any way that it can. It is slowly draining away my sanity, I can barely even get any sleep anymore because of this darkness. I know that in the end, nobody will have saved me from this impending darkness and no one will want to save me. I feel as though all my efforts to block this doom of mine has failed horribly. My plees for help never reach anybody that wants to listen or help me, they just disappear into the darkness around me. Nobody I know wants to rescue me from this fate. They're just going to leave me alone to rot away into nothing in the darkness. My heart is slowly disitagrating into nothing, leaving me to become just a lonely empty shell. This twilight darkness has left my heart changed and transformed into a broken mess that can't see the light of love anymore. I have lost the light in my heart and soul and can't find love anywhere. My life is doomed to stay within the twilight forever with no revival or rescue in sight.
My friends always tell me about their success with they bf/gf and it causes my great pain when they don't pay attention to me and ask to help me find someone. Though I can ignore the pain, sometimes it's so intense that I have to stay quiet and walk away from them to keep them from seeing my pain and suffering. I don't like my friends having to worry about how I'm doing and if I'm in depression or not. I don't want my life problems to interfere with their happiness and ruin their lives. Whenever I hang out with one of my friends I always feel like a third and lonely wheel since she's always going to see a guy whenever I'm with her. I always feel great loneiness and pain when I'm with her and it has gotten to a point where I can barely stand it. It always feels to me that her love life is more important than the status of one of her best friends, not that it matters to me. It's always best for my friends to not worry about me and how I'm doing and focus on their own life and success rather than worry about my depression and how much my heart has broken over the time of being single. I always feel like I'm just a shadow when I hang out with my friend, she always focus on the guy she's with more, not that it bothers me. It's honestly better for all of my friends to ignore me when they're hanging out with their bf/gf.
It feels like nothing but death can ease the pain in my heart and repair it back to normal. I often seen plenty of cute girls around but I always know that they either already have a bf or that I'm just not their type of guy. Even if I was their type, I know that the way I act and my personality would immediately drive them away from me. Also I know that I could never possibly be the best bf that they're hoping for so they wouldn't want me. I hate causing my friends pain and suffering because of stupid crap that I do. Everything I do ends up causing problem for other friends in their lives that they don't need. I'm always causing more drama for my friends that they don't need at all. I hate being a damn problem causer. I honestly should not have any friends at all and should just live a lonely secluded lifestyle.
All of my friends seem to have successful happy lives while i seem to have a horrible depressing life. They all have bfs/gfs and they are all focused on them. They don't even ask or question how its making me feel. They're too focused on keeping the happiness in their lives going to even ask how my life is going. They don't even try to help me find happiness or help me feel happy. All the efforts I've tried to help myself seem to just disappear into the shroud thats surrounding my heart. It also seems like that same shroud is trying to cloud my vision so i cant even see any ray of hope that might come into my life. I can't even seem to see the sunlight anymore though i still feel its warmth. My life has become so broken and depressing that it seems like no one would really care if i disappeared forever.
This black darkness is taking forever to swallow my heart. I wish it would just happen now so i can get it over with. This pain to getting too much for me to handle alone, and no one wants to help me get through it. Everyone who sees me suffering just seems to ignore me or act like they don't know me. My friends barely seem to notice how I'm feeling when they see me now. My suffering is invisible to all my friends because they seem to focus on their own lives.
 Cloak_of_Darkness · Thu Mar 10, 2011 @ 10:44pm · 2 Comments |
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