Ham, cheese and bread led to Hate, alienation and disgust.
What once was an ok day with minor stress became a nightmarish repeat of emotional scaring. Intuition foretold of this event and it was even spoken of long ago. But the only heed taken was the ideal of forgiveness; which only became chains.
Last night was the coldest, loneliest, depressing and utterly baffling moment of my life since when I was framed in my mid-teens.
I even risked becoming a suspicious factor that could throw my character in question by staying around work without doing anything. All for reasons that can only be understood by my mind at that time.
The snow was blowing hard when I left into the night by myself. And the only thing on my mind was a painful goodbye. That pain somehow sinked into the reality of the weather, catching my psyche offguard even more.
I have never back-tracked so many events, felt so hateful and even disgusted in my life. But one time when my own friends led me down a path of sexual immorality with good hopes and cheers. Only to be hiding the truth from me the entire time; which was that they were simply using me as their own crutch to understand themselves and their relationship with each other. My usefulness ended when I took control of my own mind, my own ambitions and my own desire to be assertive. Somehow I suppose the usefulness was lost because I refused to continue like a pawn. I refused to allow myself to be controled as a pleasure toy.
I do not have an on and off switch. If I ever had or do, I would use it not to listen to people who make my life hell. Those would be the people I care about who can't respect me enough to understand me. All that matters is how they are treated, regardless if they don't know what I'm feeling.
A rant this shall not become. An event it was, and personal feelings were mixed in heavily. An objective outlook was extremely difficult to come across untill this morning, after all the weird dreams and thoughts during the times I couldn't sleep.
Something has stood out more than anything.. It's manipulation and forgiveness.
I knew it before and it's allways been a problem. But as time went on I noticed how my mentality has affected a relationship. Though my confusion has come because I didn't understand how things degraded so quickly.
Now I know it's simply because I am not submissive. And I've become strong in my feelings. My intuition is becoming a major factor in my thinking and people who make me uncomfortable don't seem to get a good reaction from me.
Sadly enough it has to be people that are so close to me that it's even those I would give my life for.
Whatever..
That's all I can feel. Though the gut-renching truth is that I do care. Which is why it's so gut-renching... I'd rather, be carefree. Since somehow me being offended makes for a much worse reaction.
Regardless though.. I know I have to transcend what was and become something new. If I'm followed, I am followed. I am not going to stop because a connection to this dying world is lost; especially if that connection is one to an appreciation of death, decay, demoralization, evil.. I can't participate in this madness any longer.
My third eye has been opened for years now, brought on by depression and a desire to experience the surreal. Now that I've transcended the need for substances to notice the unseen, I can not help but be as real as I feel. Especially considering my most recent events envolving my overly-trusting attitude and the fact that I somehow attract people who like to use me untill they don't feel satisfied.
That though is not my third eye telling me what people are like.. I have learned because my consiousness experiences emotion; and I am not a fool.. Even if I'm foolish to accept certain faults I know will come back to haunt me.
Overly trusting....
I don't hate. I despise. I reason while I think of how to kill. I don't desire to remove a heart, brain and stomach for no reason. I simply want to torture the forgiven soul by giving a taste of the feelings I experience when my emotions and intuition talk for me. How it is I feel every day.. How I seem to truly think.
I want to put the knife into the stomach first.. Take out the small intestines to the side before cutting out the stomach and dropping it to the floor. Then.. Moving up to the chest with a long blade... Such as a cleaver; put a massive insission to the chest and rip open the rib cage. Then.. Cut out the heart then throw it into a blender. While that's going.. We'll end the torture with a nice and clean cutting of the skull. Grab a spoon.. Slip it in, and push with good force. Sending most or a large chunk of consiousness into a decaying reality that's with the beauty of fire-works in the night sky. Ending with a divine moment once the brains hit the floor. Ending in darkness. Only to wait for your soul's demise or salvation. Either way.. As dead as I felt last night. My mind, body and soul seemed to colide together, making all understanding stop so that every single energy-producing part of my body could tune itself to understand the truth which my inner-self desired to not know so badly but couldn't help but anticipate the outcome.
Dreams faded.
Hopes became raided.
My soul suddenly infested.
My mind viciously molested.
I somehow earned it though. Even I know this.
Ironically.. Though I blame myself, I blame someone else.
View User's Journal
Begin Journey to Hell: --&&HERE&&--
Community Member
Amazingly squee-worthy. heart