|
Okay. Wow. *Presses 'Restart' for self* |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Time for some change.
I'm trying to get this through my head as best I can, 'cause the way I'm going right now, I'm just tearing myself apart.
~I'm ********' this schoolyear up. Resulting in: Lessening my chances of seeing Peter again. He means more to me than anything. heart [[Refer to previous entry. I'm confused myself as to why I'm still not doing well if this is true]]. ~Have been sick, which I really couldn't help, but it's been way too often to be healthy. Fix: Get more sleep! ~Seems like I need to find something else to occupy me, something extra-curricular that I like. Ideas so far: Guitar lessons, or even A JOB. ~I need to explore new places, be with new people, develop, build, and strengthen relations. My day to day "solitary confinement" is apparently not healthy, so I've been told.
Yea, so, big changes that I need to work on. Really work on. I'm feeling so-so right now, but last night was a nightmare. 'Round 11:00, I had a breakdown; hasn't happened in a while. But I was so stressed, confused, and just full out drained, I didn't know what to do. Sure, crying at your computer desk gets you nowhere, but I want to give thanks to my "online shrink." He helped me to figure out where I should start, and I'm grateful. Thank you, "K." heart
I don't know where my head was at last night during it all; a few times, I felt like I didn't even know where I was. After giving up on staying awake, I forced myself up into my room and decided to write something. A note. To my mom. I could very well call it a plea, because she's what I would call the "jailer to my cell." After penning down a full page and a bit of writing, I heard the car pull into the driveway; this would be when I hid my paper under my desk chair and jumped into bed. I'd hoped that she would come upstairs, check on me, then go to her room. Well, it didn't quite happen this way. I tried to lie awake and pretend I was asleep, to wait it out and finish my letter off, but I was so tired because of everything that I drifted off. As a result of falling asleep, I didn't set my alarm for the next morning. When my mom came in to wake me up I tried my best to ask just for another hour of sleep, just to miss first block. That's all I honestly wanted. It seems foolish to go through such trouble and write a note just for that, but I was in dire need of a break, help, and more. However, I wasn't surprised to hear the sudden "no" come from my mother's mouth. I kept trying, and was almost on the verge of tears, which she didn't notice, but still she refused. Whipping my covers off, I went to my chair, pulled out my paper and handed it to her. "I was going to give this to you last night, but you came home before I could finish it." The second it left my hands, I walked out of my room and locked myself in the bathroom. A minute or two passed and I waited. Finally, she knocked on the door and I came out. We sat on my bed, we talked, and I cried. Now, let me explain something: The only time I cry in front of my mom, is when I'm incredibly troubled. So, hence, my mom seeing me cry, she obviously knows that I'm not just faking to get some time off, that I really did need this. Before I knew it, she was telling me to lie down again and was pulling the covers over me...
The next time I woke up, I'd slept more than an hour; she'd let me stay home for the whole day. Just a few minutes later, my mom came in my room and asked me if I wanted to go to Coquitlam with her, to my cousin's school, and watch their band play. I agreed, and got up to get myself ready. It was quite.. Inspiring to watch these elementary kids get their own bands organized, practice songs, and play in front of an entire school, and parents. Some had real talent, and I felt a bit of my own self come back. After that, my mom and I spent a half hour or so at my Auntie's, and then left to run some errands back in Maple Ridge. We'd talked on the way back from Coquitlam; ideas on how to help myself, some of the above which are my mom's own.
In just one night and an afternoon, I'd broken down and already begun to rebuild. Doesn't mean I'm complete yet, however.. I've just barely started. My life from now on is going to be different, not to a great extent, but one large enough to be better off. Otherwise, I'll not only drag myself down, but others as well. By "others" there's one main individual in mind, and I'm sure you can only guess. The last thing I want is to let him down..
There's not much else I can say, so this is where I leave off. If you have any questions, or are unsure by anything I've written, please don't hesistate to inquire. I'm an open book.
With great sincerity and the deepest love...
Se mor'ranr ono finna. heart
:://:: Niki XoXo :://::
Equusae · Sat Feb 04, 2006 @ 03:35am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|