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Life got sooooo much better for me ((reguards to me first journal entry)) and then it went crashing down in one night.... yet I am still happy.


Around August 26 I met a guy I had not really KNOWN face to face just known because he was friends with one of my really good friends.. I never did anything about it cause I am not one to make the first move( that went on for 2 years haha) well NOW we are engaged and getting Married!! He was my first boyfriend, my first lay ((haha!)) and 2nd kiss!! Most people don't believe me when I say this cause most people think I am good looking, HAAAAA!! that is a huge joke ((my last journal entry has my pic in it, razz )) Now, the downfall... November 18th-ish I move out of my parents house to move in with my Fiance! november 26 my Dad dies from a massive heart attack while I watch him in the hospital... the downfall.

Its been a couple months and I still miss him, the nurse tried to get me to talk to him before they pulled the plug on him but I couldnt.. my voice was not there, now I feel that if I could have talked to him I might have been able to save his life. What if he gave up hope that his daughters weren't there ((******** my Mom... she is a golddigging wench from hell that took all my Dad's money and now is BITCHING because she spent 200,000 dollars in 2 months and wants more!! ******** Her)) to see him go... Well I was there I just couldnt talk... I touched his hand and ran my hand up his arm, he was so cold.. I dont think I will ever forget his face, the way he looked. His eyes had no spark to them like he usually had, I am pretty sure he was dead when those pocket sucking vampire doctors finally let me into his ER room. BUT I give up, I want to be happy right now because I truthfully now I am happy with my fiancee...

Something in me is still wishing that it was just a dream, where I can just wake up and look at my fiances cell phone to see ' 1 Missed Call ' on it, open it up and see ' Parent's House' on it.. smile and call back with my Dad answering it. Wanting to tell my Dad that Matt got the promotion he put in for last week, wanting to tell him that Matt and I are having a baby... To one day have that child that he said he was going to spoil until we cannot handle it, never discipline him/her or tell him/her what to do... let them ride the horses and chase cattle while riding my horse that I grew up on... To one day have him pass when he should have, not at 46 years of age.

Wanting trully sucks..... cry