Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

No good ... still depressed today, issues with my medication, various things ...

As I think about what little I am qualified for (and barely qualified, if that ...) and realize that probably, the only two kinds of jobs I'm qualified for that would pay me enough to live on are:

clerical (filing, data entry stuff - like what I had before *shudders*)
graphic design

I see that ... I really don't have much choice and I know that I don't have much hope ... I really have no hope at all ... I feel that I may soon have no options left but a life that is nothing more than death ... God ... I have no hope today ... I don't think it's just that I haven't taken my medication for 2 days and am waiting for the next appointment with my psychiatrist, I just ... don't feel hopeful. I have run out of hope ... God, God ... supply me with what I need to continue ... You are my only reason to live, but You are also the reason I want to die as well ... I don't want to suffer anymore. I am in hell here ... Take me ...

Yeah, guess I'm not doing too well ...

If only there was an option of life that I didn't have to wait 7 - 8 months or more for ... selfish though it may be, I think I need to consider things that will get me out of the country NOW and not 7 + months from now. I just can't see myself surviving an office job long again. I have nowhere left to go in my job search. I feel so worthless ... I wasted my time on a degree I may never use in a field that I am fundamentally ill-suited for. I feel like my days are numbered with the sands almost gone now ... Will I live? Will I survive? I know I have to, whether I want to or not, I have to. Not surviving is not an option. It's a sin ...

I need to spend some time seeking out options. I need some hope. I need some courage. I need to believe that there is something else. There has to be another way. How will I live? God ... I can't see a thing now - I am truly blind as to where to go and the darkness is closing in on me heavily. Help me ... save me ... the darkness wants to swallow me tonight. I have no choice - depression has me tonight, but maybe tomorrow will be a good day? Maybe tomorrow will be different?

I need to go see some sort of career advisor/consultant. I need to know if I have other options. I am so scared ...