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I feel like writing, I have no idea what about.. But I DO feel like writing..

So here's where things are at.

So, I'm at the parents for the first time since before exams. Uni's over for the year.. Except for that STUPID assignment which I forgot to do before I had to study so I didn't fail, which is now 3 weeks late..
This may mean I fail Stats. Which I hate. And may have to repeat. DX

Apart from that though, it's allll nice. I'm going off to Victoria, seeing family in a couple weeks. When I come back I have to find a place to move into (if I haven't already) and move..
I can't really afford to live alone any more, and not sure I want to either. But moving in with a houseful of strangers.. That could be interesting..
I know they won't eat me though XD

There is also a possibility that I won't even be living in said house til nearly next semester, cos I may be going to go stay with my uncle up in Cairns, and do some work for him. I find out if/when tomorrow.
Today.. actually. It's 2 am...

It's alll up in the air a bit.

In the meantime, I've been invited to parties, several of them.. Which I want to go to.. but I also have to prepare for, sort of..
Not so much Will's 21st.. But it's on Saturday.. and I'm out of money and not paid til Monday .. So THAT might be interesting, if I find I need to catch more than one bus.. (Glad I'm a good walker)
The other one's a post exam halloween theme party (cos uni exams were over halloween) and I want to make a Reaver costume.. Trouble is I have to make some parts of it.. Again with no money.. *shakes fist at the most recent power bill*

Still.. not having money forces me to get creative. Which is good. But difficult.

I'm actually really looking forward to Will's party. I haven't caught up with all my friends from Rosny for ages (except Laura's birthday, but that wasn't for long, and not all of them)
I'm trying to work out if I should get him some kind of gift (or rather make him some kind of gift, cos of the money thing), and what. I dunno if its that kind of thing.

There's something that's shitting me.. This tendency that I have to be very lonely, but when I spend too much time with any one person I seem to feel crushed, smothered.
Not sure if it's cos I'm spending time with guys a lot... And I get this sort of idea that they want to be more than just friends. And then I tell myself not to be stupid.
Not as though everyone's gonna fall for me.. But at the same time I almost wish it were so.
I was at one stage falling for people, left right and centre. Thing is, once I get to know people better, the sort of mystery seems to disappear with some people.
Never used to happen like that.
And it's a horrible thing to do to people. To feel like pushing them away. To do so and not know why.

There's only really one person I'm crushing on again now. Been a bit of a long term thing, I guess. But I'm scared if I meet him, I'll lose that feeling again.
Maybe I'll turn round next week and have crushes on 6 different people again.

The most ridiculous thing about it all is that I'm happy, pretty much, alone. I like not having to worry about anyone else.
Being with Liam showed me that being in a bad relationship is VERY shitty.
But a (not so very) small insecure part of me is always saying "no one likes you"
Which I know is crap, rationally, but it's always there, whenever I feel down. Being with someone who loves me has made it shut up, in the past. Which was nice.
A small part of me misses being with Liam, even though it was horrible. Even though I was constantly wondering..

I just thought of this: There seems to be a seed of insecurity in everyone.. and if it's not constantly stomped on, it grows.. It's insidious, almost. Some people, I guess it must be smaller in, some much larger, but I think that almost all humans have it.
I think that it comes with intelligent thought - humanity.

I think that this might be something that has been genetically programmed into humans. It's probably behind the ways in which societies run. (unless I am an odd one out here)
It probably helped us to survive and stick together, historically.. But it's a real pain in the arse.. In my opinion anyway.

Though if we didn't have it, would we be human at all?


(I'm doing it again.. Always, in the tiny hours of the morning, I start to think psychology, "why do we do this?" and crap. Maybe I'm studying the wrong thing?)

Aaanyway, I think the whine and the philosophising is out of my system.. Maybe I'll sleep now. Specially now it's 3...

Though a thought did occur to me.. Maybe what grows of this seed of insecurity is of value. Maybe I should say I need to prune it, trim it, rather than stomp on it totally..
Because we are made human by our insecurities, in a way also. Were we not to doubt ourselves some of the time, what would we be?
I'm not so sure that it would be human, whatever it is.