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A long time ago [4:45PM EST] In a galaxy far far away Meboc from Alpha-Centari looked up and asked himself if there was any intelligent life out there. Coincidentally he was looking at a teeny tiny speck of light that unbeknown to him was earth.... and a chill ran down his squashy amebic spine.

At the exact same time I got that old familiar feeling that I was being watched.

Mix yourself a nice Rum NiQule Sudafed cocktail and listen up you son's and daughters of this dirt ball we call earth. For the monkey in my head at the typewriter has something to share with all of you.

Prologue. An acknowledgement to my hero

Lewis Black once said that the end of the universe was in Huston Texas. He knew at once that was the place when he stood between two Starbuks and looked at his watch and noticed it had stopped...

Well he was wrong. He was a little to far south. The actual end of the universe ends north of that... much further north in a state almost every one has forgotten. My home state of Montana.

Chapter 1

We forget the time. But here is the place.

::Montana:: [No it's not in the middle east.~]
The name Montana came from the Spanish for mountains. Who ever though that was a fitting name obviously didn't go to the eastern part of the future state. If they had they would have called it "West part Montana, East part jack s**t." But that’s a bit long for a state name. Thank god they didn't call it West Dakota.

::Hell in a:: [And I looked down into the Valley of the shadow of death and I feared no evil... but I couldn't get a bite to eat after 11PM]
Growing up here I have become numb to the majesty and beauty of the rich fertile plains and the breath taking green mountains... which are half brown now thanks to the pine Beatles... I was born in Helena Montana. Before you think to yourself "Heh that must be pronounced Hel-ee-na" It's not and when you say it like that it's a dead giveaway that your an outsider. It is pronounced Hell-in-a... I'll brake it down for you without the dash marks now. Hell in a ....Sums it up right there. It is hell. There is actually a small business in the city called the Helena Hand basket. So braking it down once again... Hell in a handbags.... Not only is Montana a state of the union, it is also a state of perpetual irony. Now my parents lived in a nice little house in East Helena...3 miles directly east of Helena. Let that show you how geographically savvy the founders of this place were. Hell and East Hell. A few years ago a new subdivision sprang up just south of Helena and the sons a bitches called it South Helena. To paint you a picture of the area I call home its about like this. In Lewis and Clark county is the city of Helena. You have Helena, East Helena, South Helena, North valley, and to the west the Great divide. So we have three rings of hell, the valley of the shadow of death & the Rocky Mountains which are always in fire in the summer. In Montana City where I live.... again state of irony... or redundancy if you will.... There was a notice going around that Helena wanted to Annex North Jefferson County. I thought "Holy crap! Really? They want to Annex us? What the hell are we? Poland?!" Then a horrid thought came into my mind. We would be Deep South Helena... and I could hear the banjos start to play.

::Montana City:: [No! We are not Deep South Helena!]
My parents, younger brother and I moved to this quiet little suburb when I was five. If JRR Tolken were alive and looked at Montana City back in 1992 he would have seen to his shock and awe the Shire. Now it is more like what you see in the back ground of every quiet little suburb in the movies… the real suburb where mom and dad, or combination there of, left for work and the kids were at school and every one is just trying to get by while keeping up the appearance of ‘Middle Class’. It was perfect because it had a nice little school and was 5 miles away from Helena where my parents worked. That and my dad loved it because aside from us there were only five other houses around. [!!Spoiler!! My dad is not a people person.] I was five and just thought that at least we arnt east of hell. My geography skills were nonexistent at that time. Presently the school still stands and the town has a gas station and motel, a saloon... yes that’s right a saloon and no there are no horses pitched outside it.... A vary nice restaurant, a bank, a dentist office, day care centers, and a local fire department. Honestly I have never seen a place in all my life that has been so proud of its own name that it sticks it every where. Montana City Store (gas station) Montana City Motel, Montana City Dental, Montana City Grill. The only ones who didn't jump on the Montana City in your face name change was the Saloon... just to keep with the rustic aesthetic I guess.

::Montana City Round-a-bout:: [So much time… so much money… now it looks like we have a n****e in our street.]
A few years ago while I was off in Collage the people of Montana City thought it was a cracker jack idea to build a roundabout right in the only intersection of the damn town.... it was a 2 way stop and on one of the stops was a yield to turn east. It was simple enough. The only thing you had to watch out for was when it was icy was the damn yield sign. Every year some idiot would knock it over in the winter and every spring we put it back up. Since I was away at the time I cant really explain what happened to lead to the creation of a round about but I imagine it happened like this. A cry came out from the crowd one night at the Montana City Community planning meeting and bake sale. "We must build a ROUNDABOUT!" The heads turned and saw with little surprise that it was one of the many Cali folk that had immigrated north... Yes we Montana’s call them Cali folk and if you want us to stop calling you that then don't ******** with us... and also you don't move from Cali to Montana. You immigrate. Trust me. We seem like a whole new world to you people...Now another Cali Folk stood up and second him on the outburst at which point the people groaned cuz now they actually had to do business instead of going to the saloon and downing a Coors Light after eating Mrss Gilans Peanut butter cookies. Being anxious to get to the bar they moved the wheels of planning up a notch and just shoved the idea in the "Sure why not" box. At which point the Cali Folk brought back up every meeting after that. Finally the people put it in the “Fine just shut the hell up” Box. From there the ground work was done… at least on paper it was. 2 months later I come back home to find that the road is all torn up and I cant get to my freakn house which is only a stone throw away from the highway [~Side Note~ Stone Throw = roughly 1000ft] Boy to my surprise when I saw the Cali Folk in awe of the Round about when it was done and the Montana City Lifers (Those who were here before 2000) who looked at it and laughed. It was all agreed that they had led the Cali Folk turn a simple intersection into a 30 foot diameter n****e that people would now have to drive around. The Cali Folk tried to fix it by putting a tree on top of it and in the winter the joke was that the intersection was nipping.

::The Montana City Store pt 1:: [When you hear the beeping… stop the beeping at all cost.]
At the age of 18 I decided I was tired of having no money. So I did what every kid did when they wanted money. I got a job half a stones throw away from my house… if your keeping track of our Montana unites of measurement you know how far away that is… It was at the Montana City Store aka the Hub of North Jefferson County. 12 gas pumps, open 7am- 10pm with a wide selection of all your various addictions. Beer, wine, hot dogs, burritos, candy, Ice cream, and a wide selection of the best tobacco products around… or at least the most addicting and harmful. I felt like a drug dealer. Always to this day I feel like I was selling people their own self destructive vices to them. But when you’re 18 and think $5.15 an hour is a lot of money you let go of some of your hang ups. My first day working was on the closing shift. The people who trained me were the most kind, caring, and pleasant people to work with. I started just before the after work rush right in the middle of the after school rush. They looked at me and showed me the register which had almost a hundred buttons and said. “There ya go.” The threw me to the wolves my first day. First person to come up to me asked for a pack of Ligget Menthol Light 100’s… My mind collapsed on me. I thought the man had escaped from some padded room. It was gibberish to me. He pointed behind me to the wall of cigarettes and said “Thems the ones I want.” The vague area he had pointed to had about 6 different brands… Then the beeping started… I looked around to see lights flashing on the register. The beeping was loud and obnoxious. It was like R2-D2 having an orgasm. Finally a co-worker came up to me and said. “Oh that’s the gas pumps going off. When people outside want gas it beeps and we have to approve them before they can get it.” It was so simple. I must have been asleep that day in my class of Clerk common knowledge. She pressed the buttons and the beeping stopped… briefly. It started back again but I knew what to do and pounced on the register like a fat man on a oreo. I looked up and the man was still waiting for his cigarettes. I looked back and spotted them. Green with gold and silver trim, longer then the others. Those must have been them. I grabbed the box and held them in my hand. I turned back to look at my fellow clerks to ask for help but without looking they just said. “Scan the item and make sure they are old enough and hit enter. Then punch in the amount they give you and hit cash then give them their change.” Again I was asleep for that part of class that day I guess. I scan the pack and did the whole transaction. I smiled and said have a good day then the man looked back and me and said. “Do you have them in the soft pack?” … That was about how my first day went. Told what to do when the need arose and learning threw screw ups and failure. I quickly began to notice that is how life is. You screw up till someone comes along and says “No ya idiot. Do it this way.” And if your lucky they will catch you before and say. “Before you do something stupid let me show you something.”