Well, for those of you who care to read, my apologies for once again never getting on. I don't see why I struggle to be a full-time Gaian. Short but sweet, now to the depression stuff.
I'm ******** tired of life. I don't belong anywhere. Even social outcasts have a social outcast group, but me? I'm just that annoying ginger kid. Annoying people are pet peeves of normal people. Nobody enjoys hanging out with their pet peeve. I try not to be annoying, but it's just how I am. I was when I was a kid, I am now, I will be as an adult, and everybody in the retirement home will be glad when I kick off. Even though I don't really believe such things, it's destiny.
I want to go and be by myself, any human interaction makes my feel sad, because I know it was forced upon my fellow interactors. Very few times will people start conversations with me, I always rope the person into talking to me. Plus, I ramble. I prolong encounters they want to cut off as quickly as they can, and I, myself, hate people like that. I'm an accidental hyppocrite.
I try to vent artistically, but these clumsy meat hunks that are my left and right hands only churn out dissapointing b*****d-children of my imagination. I've tried my hand at poetry, writing, drawing, animation, and all I'm disgusted to have made. I deleted and threw away them all. That was what made me the proudest of them, that I didn't try to hang on. I've heard that practice makes perfect, but if I practice at being bad at something, won't I only succeed in becoming perfectly terrible at it?
The same with sports. Any attempt at athleticism only furthers my schtick of 'annoying ginger kid' because I try to do normal people stuff. I humiliate myself and the only thing that comes out of it is my wheeze and whine about how I'm outta shape at such a young age.
Because of these things, I try to withdraw into myself at school. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone. But I can't. When I realize at the enfd of the day nobody wants to be around me, I feel so lonely. I always feel lonely now. Like sharp, broken glass cutting up my heart, lungs, and soul. It actually hurts. It's the only thing that hurts. Pain doesn't even hurt anymore. My family isn't even solace either. My sister thinks I'm an annoying spaz, which I am, and my mom's never there. When she is, the only thing it seems she can do is critisize and make me feel bad. My dad is there, most of the time, but just being around him fills me with the deep purple-blue of depressed-ness. This is only further amplified when he gets drunk, which is becoming more often than ever, because he tells me about his crushed dreams and wishes. He realizes he won't marry a beautiful woman, move somewhere better, make a lot of money, have a good car, and many other things, and vents to me. I realize that's gonna be my future, and feeling like this.
I want to die.
I'm not the suicidal type, at least, I hope not. I don't want to die, but I do. Right now I feel like I'm running on the hope things will get better over the horizon. Over the next hill. But they won't. These are the best times of my life, and if they suck, what's the point of prolonging death just so I can expose myself to more pain? It's only a matter of time before I pull the trigger, tighten the noose, swallow the pills etc. etc. And here I am saying I'm not the suicidal type.
Radischio Community Member 
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