Momentary things, current situations, the next year of my life. They really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. In the end the world still burns, God still gets the glory, and I still end up dead somewhere along the line. Why sweat the details?
Because I make myself sweat the details, that's why. I can't let things go, even with the perspective of the world trucking on with or without me. I still feel like I'm responsible for so much pain, so much failure.
Probably because I am.
The fact that I won't permanently affect things is a comfort. My only comfort. The fact that I can't screw things up forever is one of the few things that keeps me from locking myself away, or going about my own business and forget even trying.
I want to give up, I want to take the shortcuts out of all these situations. But then I'll keep letting people down, and I can't let people down. Not real people. . .not my people.
Not the people who have let me down before. . .
Its such a hypocritical thing, and I know it. I know I shouldn't expect the impossible from myself; I know I can't live up to everyones expectations. I know I shouldn't. But I keep going.
This isn't a cry for help. This isn't anything but the meaningless rambles of a college kid working through the ramblings of his own mind in a place where he feels safe without feeling trapped within himself. part of me wonders if this will be one of those notes that nobody reads. That part of me really hopes so.
Thalion Aegawaen Community Member 
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Community Member
It's kind of sad and even a little annoying that people (myself included) only ever notice their screw-ups (which are usually not worthy of quite as much punishment as the convicted put themselves through) and never look at the good they actually do for people. Not that we need to dwell on that good all the time and let arrogance step in or anything, but if we could see the good that God has done through us just slightly more often and dwelled on our screw-ups just slightly less often, I think our lives (and the lives of those closest to us) would be a bit more enjoyable.
*shrugs* I don't know if that helps or just irritates, but hey, maybe the two are the same.