Conclusion
My dear book of no name,
Were you beginning to think I’d forgotten about you? It is doubtless – I believe I actually had. Forgive me for that. So many things have preoccupied me, so many significant events that written record simply cannot begin to explore. It is on this note that I find myself asking where to begin. I suppose it would suffice to commence with this –
Naraku is dead.
Kohaku is free. The Shikon no Tama is no longer a threat to this world. And Houshi-sama … houshi-sama is free too. To do as he pleases. Wherever or whenever he deems fit. For as long as he wishes. Furthermore – without me.
Does this disappoint you? It shouldn’t. If anything you must think me a total fool; to have hoped for a life with a man who was corrupt from the start. It’s odd, how things never quite go according to what you’ve prayed for.
When I began this mission, it was to avenge my kin and save my brother. So why it that, with everything accomplished as intended, the pain still remains within my chest? Perhaps the answer is more obvious than I depict it to be. The mention of one lone individual tears a deep gash inside, one I fear might never heal.
The details are unnecessary, so I will spare you the long and confusing ordeals that have led me here. All you must know is this; I have brought it upon myself.
I was the one who fell in love – I was the one who had false hope.
And then,
I was the one who pinned the blame – I was the one who cast him away.
In these words, does it not seem selfish of me to hate him? As if I ever could. I cannot blame him, as much as my anger begs me to. I must acknowledge that fact that, though I harbor emotions for him, he nevertheless has held me close with nothing more than a loose suggestion. I was too ambitious.
And so here I am. A complete dolt for waiting so pathetically. You may ask how long this has gone on for, and I gravely reply-
Well over a month.
The night I had taken off was that of the full moon. Since then another has gone by, and presently it looms steadily waning towards the new moon. To some this may seem an insignificant span of time. However, alone with nothing more than grief and countless graves, every day gone by begins a new eternity. Countless times I’ve questioned my sanity, wondering why I persist to remain in this hellish loneliness I call my village. But then I remember it’s to prove a point; an ineffective and agonizing point.
“If he truly loves me, he’ll find me,” I had said … from the timeframe I have given you, and my confession of isolation, perhaps you can guess the outcome of my test.
Quite frankly I don’t know how to feel about it. In love I feel pain. In pain I feel sorrow. In sorrow I feel anger. In anger I feel hate. But it is not hatred towards the monk, but rather my affections for him. And thus the cycle repeats itself. Unable to keep up with the reeling sensitivity, my body and mind became awash with numbness – emptiness. Who else was there to blame but myself?
I am at a loss. He won’t come after me. I refuse to go back, despite the fact that I have already given up. So what now is there to do? I suppose I could resume my life as it was before Naraku’s appearance … what is left of it anyway. There are so many youkai about these days. No doubt many villages are in need of assistance. Maybe, just maybe, traveling will help soothe the burn inside. At these times I must remember; slaying demons is my sole purpose in life … it is not as if I was destined for anything else …
Sincerely yours,
With a discontented sigh I thumped the scarlet book shut. For a moment I hugged it to my chest, taking the time to close my eyes and inhale a steady breath. The wind rustled the surrounding shrubbery, making them dance and tickle at my ankles and hands. A distant bird called its lonesome cry.
Lightly tossing the book to my side, I listlessly leaned backwards into a lying position amongst the flowers of our mysterious field. Lilies. I did enjoy their appearance so very much. I moved a hand to shadow my eyes against the sun, yet as a cloud passed over I dropped it down to rest above my head.
I wonder if it would seem strange, to appear so melancholy amidst such vibrant flourishing.
I gave another unhurried breath, trying to end this tragic story of mine with some brave conclusion. My eyes were cold against the breeze, though I was past the point of tears. I’d made my resolve to forbid it. The promise remained consistent, yet I wondered when, as all other pledges of mine, it would too shatter.
Unable to draw my thoughts away from my regret, I offered myself one last rhetorical question,
'He's not coming after me, is he ...'
The wind whispered its reply, whatever it may have been.
-*-
Four or five hours later, I’m not very conscious of the time, I remained as I was – lying within the lily field. My eyes were closed in a light sleep, hands folded across my abdomen. There was a faint sound in the breeze, easily ignorable though ever increasing. My eyebrows twitched once in annoyance, cursing that persistent jingle.
Jingle … ?
Honey eyes shot open. I strained to listen once more; however, the sound had stopped … Was I imagining things?
Finally, as the wind picked up again, a low chime floated across the field. It was unmistakable. Willing myself to sit up, my hands fell down to support my upper body. A brief glance around the meadow helped to identify the source rather quickly. Clothed in his typical black and indigo, he stood placidly observing the sight before him. Our gaze caught, and I felt my heart pulse rapidly from the mixture of alarm, excitement, and rising frustration.
“Houshi-sama …” I was unable to say much else, left speechless with confusion.
He was here. Wasn’t he? Or maybe I was still asleep. He couldn’t be. To be standing there, across from me, not at some shameful teahouse or pretty villager’s home, would mean that …
I stared on in wonder, breath caught in my throat. It just couldn’t be real.
‘Treacherous mind, must you feed me these illusions?’
While I stood, disconcerted eyes cast towards the strange delusion, it parted its way through the lilies to halt a few steps away from me. He appeared fretful at this distance, almost worn out and meek. Vaguely I wondered why this was so. The amorous monk held the same composure of a shame-ridden naïve child. Maybe I appeared as the small girl he’d just made cry with his boyish antics.
Fussing a moment, he rested the shakujo against the ground and straightened his shoulders. “Sango,” he began, sounding uncertain. “Concerning the wedding, when would you like it to be held?”
I’m not quite sure if my jaw hung open or if I just imagined it to do so. Did he not have his priorities straight, or had he blurted it out on nervous impulse? To say the least, it was not the first thing I expected to hear from him after so many forlorn weeks. Unconvinced by the question, I voiced another, “What – do you mean?”
Houshi-sama shifted his footing and did a quick glance around our setting. Why did he appear to be squirming so much?
“Well … you do wish to be married, correct? If so there should be an arranged date.”
… What was he talking about? Was he completely oblivious to the events that have occurred? To the fact that I’ve been desperately waiting for him to save me from my heartache? To the notion that words of matrimony were the completely last thing I wanted to hear at that moment? What was he trying to pull?
“Arrange a date?” I turned my gaze away and glared down at the low-rising flowers, “From what I recall there are still prior issues that we have not yet resolved.”
It was silent for a short moment, before he replied, “Perhaps we should discuss them?”
“What's there to discuss?” I spat out scornfully. “You’ve made your point already, haven't you?”
“Point on what?”
I could not believe my ears. A twinge of irritation overtook me, and I shot my searing eyes back up to meet his, “Have you taken notice of the moon, houshi? It concludes that I've waited more than an entire month for you to find me. And you come to me now – with no apology and no explanation, and expect me to marry you?”
The houshi was taken aback, before he collected his thoughts, “If I am not mistaken you where the one at fault first, and then left without explanation.” He paused, and began another excuse, “It took me a while to think of where you might be.”
One part of me acknowledged the reasonable explanation. After all, without Kirara as a guide he would have had a hard time traveling so far. Even with Hachi’s assistance, it would be for naught if he did not know the location. However, Kohaku knew how to find our home, which prompted me to dismiss the fact. My mind touched back on his first excuse, how he had blamed me. Recalling the occasion, I offered my excuse,
“I was telling Kuranosuke-sama of our situation. He was very understandable, surprisingly enough, and only asked for an embrace as a parting token of wasted years. You were the one who passed by and jumped to conclusions.” The scenario so fresh in my thoughts, I could remember every pang of panic and concern beyond that point. Balling my fists, I continued in a strained voice, “I was in such a rush to explain things to you, was so afraid for your feelings … but it seemed you weren't the least bit concerned at all!”
He glanced away again, in a gesture that looked to me as if he were controlling his temper. He then turned back, eyes so dark they could have made me shiver, “I was merely helping the clumsy servant woman. She’d dropped her pale and would have slipped and fallen had I not caught her. Which, in turn, means you are also at fault for jumping to conclusions.”
My remembrance reflected upon the rolling bucket I had watched fall from the engawa, to the puddle, and then to the somewhat awkward stance I had caught the two in. I was both exhilarated and disappointed that the evidence matched up. My pride would never take it as a sufficient answer, however.
“I-I - but there's a difference!” I protested, clasping a hand above my heart. “You have no reason to doubt my loyalty. It is scarcely the same to be said with reversed roles. What else am I to expect out of you?”
“I only doubted your loyalty because of Kuranosuke’s offer of a luxurious life,” the houshi commented. “And you should know I haven’t done a thing disloyal in a long time. Besides, even if it was an attempt at something, it would have been completely against my methods.”
I narrowed my gaze at his accusation, disregarding his declaration of loyalty, “I am not so selfish as to be tempted with a better life. A youkai taijiya has no place within castle walls.”
“Accepting an offer like that would not be considered selfish.”
“Nonetheless it is something I do not desire. What I wanted was something I fear will never come to be.” I was quiet for a moment, realizing that my emotions were becoming too wayward.
“ … and why do you fear it won’t be?”
The sternness of his question, as if it were a demand, threatened to release the torrent of confession I attempted to hold back. I could not help but answer, in a ragged and quivering voice, “Because it's not right. It's never been right!”
I turned my back to hide watery eyes, pleading with myself to uphold my pledge, “We can't keep living our lives suspecting one another. I keep waiting for a day when I can trust you, but it always ends in disappointment. And I'm ...” I released a shaky breath. “I will not belong to someone who hasn't even promised his devotion ...”
Silence followed. Within it the oath broke, and I paused momentarily to wipe the fallen tears from my eyes, “... so go. You needn't worry about me. You have plenty of women around the country to woo, ne?”
Head hung, I took three or four steps away before hearing a small chuckle. Though it wasn’t one of merriment, but satire.
“It’s funny, don’t you think?” his voice sung with steadfastness and impatience. “I’ve had all this time to do as I wish, and apparently, as you’ve said, all these women to woo. Yet the entire time my mind has been preoccupied with the thoughts of only one. If I had any intention of leaving don’t you think I would have gone already? So why insist on telling me to leave – it wouldn’t change the fact that I am here now and staying.”
The intensity of his words made my heart flutter, despite its tattered frame. I felt I could crumbled, fall to pieces with shame at having doubted him. But I didn’t, couldn’t – because my resolve had yet to change. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t believe him.
“Please don't lie to me, houshi-sama,” I whispered in defeat. “You've done enough.”
“Lie? What makes you believe that what I say is false?”
I spun to face him, hair catching in the wind and freeing a few strands from its loose bow. Conscious of my tearing eyes, I scowled, “What part of 'I can't trust you' can you not comprehend?”
He observed me for a minute, pausing long enough to exhale slowly, “… What I explained about the servant was completely honest, yet you’re still hostile.”
“I am not only speaking of this instance,” I retorted, shifting on my feet stiffly. “I’ve spent weeks alone with my brooding thoughts, with no hope of salvation. It is unlikely for my hostility to diminish so easily.”
It is not new to me that my mind is my greatest enemy of all. It belittles the truth, creates its own ideas using self-consciousness and concern. With its criticizing interpretations over the past month, I admit that I have grown bitter towards love and life.
“I understand that. But, can you honestly say you would have listened to me at all if I’d have come right away?”
My eyes closed at the notion and I shook my head, whispering nearly inaudibly, “If you'd have been here earlier it wouldn't have hurt so much …” In the following soundlessness I crossed my arms, eyes transfixed on the listening lilies. I hadn’t appreciated his excuse. It was common sense to follow a runaway lover, whether they are upset or angry. To do otherwise only increases the heartache. I thought I had taught him that lesson before, but apparently it hadn’t stuck.
As I stared off in disappointment, I failed to notice his arms until they wrapped around my waist and pulled me close to the monk. I tensed rigidly in his embrace, hissing bitterly, “What do you think you’re doing, houshi?”
“I’m apologizing,” he stated matter-of-factly. He hugged me closer, attempting to get my affection to shine through. For once though, I would not succumb.
Breaking free, I pushed him back a few inches and jabbed an accusing finger against his chest, “Oh no. Don't start thinking that all is forgiven ...”
I stared keenly into his eyes – indigo depths that reflected nothing but pardon and the hope to make things better. He truly did care, didn’t he. We both made mistakes, both deserved to be forgiven. Yet there was a difference. In order to feel content, to live the rest of my life without second thoughts, I needed to know the complete and utter truth before I gave my sympathies. I needed more time.
It dawned on me then. If I could not believe the man I loved, my intended, after he had proven himself on multiple occasions, it meant only one thing. I wasn’t ready. Looking up into those eyes had proven that. We agreed to marry after Naraku’s demise, and now – standing together, alone, free from the tyranny, I suddenly found myself frightened. But why? I loved him and, though I doubted it regularly, it was said to be mutual. So why then, with him finally apologizing and asking for my hand, was I so terrified of giving it to him?
Perhaps it had something to do with the suddenness of it all. If I thought about it long enough, we had only become companions less than a year ago. In that time feelings had developed, yes, but they had not matured. Aside that, it was not comforting to know that the houshi’s womanizing had ceased around two months ago – too short of a gap to say it will never return. The panic accompanying this thought answered my question of reluctance. I agreed with myself in conclusion; we needed more time.
Free of my thoughts, I was suddenly reminded of my situation. Houshi-sama gazed down at me in confusion, waiting for me to continue whatever I was beginning to say. Thinking carefully on my latest perception, I continued,
“ I know I shouldn't do this ... but I'm not strong enough to do otherwise ... I'll go back, and try to forget.”
His eyes lightened up slightly, “Does this mean you have forgiven me?”
“No.”
They dulled again, and I continued.
“Until I can trust you, there shall be no mention of a wedding. When you learn to keep eyes on me alone, then I will forgive you.”
I believed it summed things up nicely, without drawing to attention my sudden nervousness.
He regarded me for a moment, before nodding, “Very well. I understand.”
“Good.” With little else to say, I turned and began to head for the nearby hills. Houshi-sama followed loosely behind.
Upon arriving back at my village, I heard the monk clear his throat. “You might want to let me go in first,” he advised. I ignored the request and slipped in the small opening of the broken fortress gate.
“Congratulations!!”
“W-wha ...?!”
Ducking at the unexpected shower of uncooked rice, I stared in bewilderment at the three goodwill chanters. Kohaku, Hachi, and Shippo had been waiting just within the fort, and had sprung out at me while waving handheld fans. As the two youkai continued to dance around singing ‘Ganbatte’ and ‘Banzai’, my brother dropped his arms to his side and tilted his head, “Where’s the monk?”
“Right here,” Houshi-sama answered, slipping in behind me and grimacing when Shippo thrust a handful of rice directly at his face.
Still blissfully unaware of our not-so-happy expressions, Hachi hopped onto one foot while exclaiming, “Let’s hear it for the newlyweds!”
“Newlyweds?” I repeated in disbelief, shifting to glare at the monk most likely responsible.
He in turn smiled awkwardly, placing his hand behind his head, “I uh- I might have told them to- ...” his shoulders finally sagged under my heavy gaze. “I’ll tell them.”
“Tell us what?” Chimed in the tanuki, nudging the monk’s side, “When you’ll be starting on those kids? Eh? Eh??”
“This is ridiculous,” I murmured to myself, rubbing one of my temples while stomping off towards my home.
“Ah- Ane-ue! Wait up!” Kohaku at first made an attempt to follow, but instead slowed to a halt after a few steps. Puzzled momentarily, he then turned back to flash houshi-sama a warning glower, “What happened?”
Seeing my brother as the sensible young lad he is, the houshi found no harm in telling him the truth, “Sango wishes to postpone the wedding, until she is certain that I will be faithful.”
“Aw great – now you two are never gonna be mates,” Shippo complained in aggravation, his little hands pressed to either side of his head. Houshi-sama made a face at the immature stab.
Hachi shrugged, fanning himself, “With all due respect, Miroku-danna, I’m disappointed in you. Did you think it would be easy to tame the fierce vixen?”
“That’s my sister you’re talking about,” Kohaku grumbled, leering at the trickster.
“Settle down,” the monk told his comrades, eyes closed in his usual calm mannerisms. “In time she will learn to trust me. Until then I will do all I can to persuade her.”
“Reasonable enough,” Hachi replied tiresomely. “I would have had her swooning for me by this time, though – Ack!” he was sent cowering to the ground when the shakujo just happened to swat him upside the head as houshi-sama stretched.
Within a few minutes I was walking back to them, blue pack secured around my shoulders and hiraikotsu strapped across my back. Kirara was transformed by my side, anticipating the flight.
“Are we ready to go?” I asked, surprised at the monotonous sound of my voice.
Houshi-sama glanced our way, “... you intend to ride Kirara?”
I nodded in response.
“Why don’t you let Kohaku and Shippo take her instead? We can go on Hachi.”
Though I was about to disagree, I thought better of it. Kirara’s tails had begun to bob merrily at the thought of being with two of her favorite kittens. Not wanting to ruin her happiness, I patted her side and watched her stride up to the boys.
I turned back to the other two, observing the tanuki as he placed a leaf to his forehead and was engulfed in smoke. One loud popping sound later and he was in his larger form.
“Hop on,” he suggested in his booming voice. “I’ll get you to the village as quickly as I can, but it’ll be a few hours.”
“We’re aware,” the houshi replied, heaving himself onto the creatures back. He released the shakujo and leaned over the edge, extending his arms, “Sango?”
I hesitated at the gesture, sliding hiraikotsu and the bag over my head on tiptoes to hoist them up. After succeeding I walked the few feet to where he was. Reaching up my arms, he wasted no time in clasping my hands in his.
“Up we go~”
He pulled me up with more force than I’d expected, making me voice a startled yelp. Unable to find my footing I clung to his shoulders, and, having set him off his balance, made him tumble onto his back. Head tucked against the crook of his neck, I lay there for a few seconds, knowing very well that I should sit up and crawl away. He didn’t seem to mind the added weight. On the contrary, when I brought my hands to either side of his shoulders to support my upper body in rising, he merely wrapped his arms around the small of my back to restrict my movement.
Confused, I craned my neck and looked down at him, “H-houshi-sama, what are you ...?”
Before I knew it his lips were against mine. It wasn’t with the passionate intensity he normally displayed, but as gentle and cautious as our first. He pulled back before I could respond, leaving me to stare down in flustered wonder.
“I missed you,” he offered with a small smile. I sighed soundlessly, using my palm to comb back a section of his bangs,
“... I missed you too.”
Tempted by the proximity, I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes. Discontent to stay as such, the monk wiggled his head to tickle my nose with his own. We both laughed quietly at the contact.
“Oi! What’s going on up there? Can we take off yet?”
Startled into reality, I threw my head back and practically scrambled away from the monk. He arched his eyebrow in amusement, but nonetheless answered the shape shifter,
“Hai, Hachi. Ready when you are.”
Levitating from the ground, with Kirara and the others beside us, we set forth to Kaede’s village. In the solitude of daylight turning to sunset, the houshi and I sat aside each other. And when the darkness of night captured the sun, we lay next to one another watching the stars come to life. Gazing up at the waning moon, nestled beside the monk with his arm around my shoulder, I wondered why I had ever left in the first place. It was here that I realized there was no place else I would rather be.
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