well it has suddenly hit me once again. late at night i begin to feel this hopless dread start to take hold of me. i begin asking questions that i don't know the answers to, along with this comes the dread of things to come. its some times small things but i suddenly become deadply afraid of them. for instance i have to talk to my brother whom wants me to come to work for him again. true i could use the money but i don't want help i know he loves me and i'm probable the only familly member he would even consider helping but i want to make it on my own. but i'm afraid of what might happen if i don't make it. i'll be stuck here for the rest of my life. its foolish yes but it still scares me and at any other time it wouldn't.
then come those hopless questions.....why am i here?i can usually answer that one. what am i going to do with myself? i want to do soo much and i have such a short time to do it all in. then i worry about the fact that even if i do it all will i look back and wish i had done things differently. i know i want a familly i know i want kids. but i want soo much more. i would be happy just being happy living my life at sea as a sailor or living off of the land farming as long as i had that one person by my side that made me happy to be me. some one to take care of and take care of you when you need it. i don't have my own familly yet. but even now i can look forward and see that when i do have a familly i want to be able to provide for them so that they wont want for anything. the hardest part of that is doing that and finding time for your familly. my father failed at this.my older brother seems to do it with ease. he is more a man than any man in my familly has ever been and i look up to him for it, now the hard part is living up to him. but maybe i don't have to maybe i can just be myself and that will be enough.
 ANTIZAIN · Wed Sep 14, 2005 @ 11:23am · 2 Comments |
