I'm tired. I'm tired in all kinds of ways. I suppose it doesn't help that it's 1:30am right now, but I'm often relatively awake at this hour. I do have a better reason for thinking it isn't just the hour. I don't feel like going to bed will solve my problem. It'd be nice, but relatively ineffective. Going to bed is nice in that I get to let go of my problems for a little while. It doesn't solve my problems. It's like Novocaine for life at this point.
I need to go home. That will help because while I'm at home I know that Cleo isn't very far away. I've never ever seen Cleo here where I am, and while I've been here I've never known more than a long-distance version of the happiness she brings me. That does lower my expectations of the place, but at the same time it also grinds away at the hope that I'll see her again. It's a strong hope, to be sure, and I see no reason why it should fail. But the grinding still hurts.
Which brings me to a sort of footnote; don't ever think I'm going to ruin everything by killing myself or someone else. I stand to lose too much right now, and while it exists my better nature will always have the last word. When I say I'm tired and I want to rest, I mean it in a very different way than any emokid or delusional martyr would. If anything, death would deprive me of the respite I'm waiting for. And to think what it would do to Cleo makes me want to cry and curse myself for having been so immediately stupid, for failing her, even though I haven't done anything.
I'm just tired. I'll keep going because that's what I have to do, but I'm dragging every step. The handy thing is that time works at the same pace no matter how slowly I plod along, and all I really need is for time to keep going until it hits the right spot and I can get up, get out, get off, get back, get in, get together, and fall asleep next to her. Not that I'll be done then, but it will be a waystation. I'll be able to relax for the first time in weeks. My problems might still be there, somewhere, but they'll be set aside to make way for happiness and comfort. It will feel more like a heavy dose of opium rather than Novocaine.
From there I'll be able to see further down the road, and with more clarity, the place where I want to go. A house. Just a house. Reasonably pretty, the type Cleo and I would buy. I can feel the whole place, which is more important than seeing it right now. I'd rather not build up an expectation, and if it feels right what the crap do I care how it looks? Right now, though, the bed is the most inviting. That'd be cliché for a guy like me, but it's not like that. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. And that bed feels like my greatest goal in life right now, because when Cleo and I fall asleep together in it, and wake up in it the next morning, I'll be able to say "This is exactly, precisely where I want to be in the world. The tops of the most majestic mountains, the grasses and flowers of the most serene and tranquil meadows, the canopies of the most lush and vibrant jungles, the hallowed halls of the most ancient forests, the glittering caverns of the richest caves, the cleanest beaches of the bluest seas, the top of the corporate world with its money and control, the heighth of society with drinks and fashion and sex and worldwide renown, even the solitude and self-sufficiency of living in a cabin I built myself and eating and drinking and wearing and using everything gotten for me by me from the very heart of nature herself that I dreamed of as a young boy. Nothing. Meaningless. All of it is at the very least a step down from where I am, if not a terrible plummet into a dark chasm. At this moment, I want for nothing."
I just want one morning like that. One is all I can really ask for. After that morning I'll do the work of living gratefully until I die. Because that's better than opium. It's better than setting my problems aside; it's the disintegration of everything that is wrong with the world. And there isn't a drug that does that. I won't have any problems in that moment, and all problems thereafter shall be dutifully dealt with, because honestly I haven't the right to expect even one of those moments, let alone two.
Expect it or not, though, I do ask for just one moment. Because I'm tired. I'm tired and I cannot completely rest unless I am in that moment.
Goodnight. I'll see you and everything else again tomorrow.
Sankofite Community Member 
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