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mood | hopeless music | tangerine dream - mysterious semblance at the strand of nightmares
The past few weeks have brought back to me in startling, painful clarity the hopelessness of the situation regarding school and other such prospects for the future neutral It's crept up on me somewhat, because since late 2002 I have been unshakeable in my determination not to stay on at CCHS for A-levels but to move somewhere else which is not so capable of destroying every last shred of 'the will to live' in my being. So goes a recent conversation:
Allie: Ehhh...since I've made myself a promise not to get back into my own 'enter journal/rant pointlessly/leave feeling worse than before' cycle again, I'm gonnae make a small confession here - I seriously don't think I can bring myself to even care any more, about the whole sixth-form upheaval rubbish. After all this stuff I've said over the past year or two about not staying in <i>that place</i> any longer than I have to, I've ended up contradicting everything I've said and I'm just going to go straight ahead and stay there. I can't see that it makes any difference - since I'm not going for any kind of language study and since my mother is a stuck-up snob, I'm not going to Anglo after all. I contemplated CRGS for a few weeks since they have a Classics course, but then I had to say to myself - seriously, is there any point? How can you guarantee that it's going to be any better than what you've got at the moment? I feel horribly sad for admitting it, but it is <i>because the prospect of upheaval like that is "too scary"</i>. What with everything that's going on at the moment, and me feeling too awkward to talk to anyone about it, let alone you (in the current state of our fellowship at any rate neutral ) despite the fact that an extended rant to you used to sort out the problem far better than simply a shirt whine with anyone else (however guilty I felt for burdening you with more than your own problems at the time), I just can't prepare myself to do anything like that. Heck knows I probably won't get the grades our wonderful school wants anyway and actually end up being physically chucked out and this rant will be for nothing, but it saddens me terribly because I feel like I'm just letting go of everything I fought against these past couple of years and allowing it to get the better of me neutral 'Divide and conquer' seems to be the phrase sticking in my head at the moment - I can't help feeling that if I hadn't been so bloody stubborn over everything and actually let someone at least try and help, I wouldn't be in such a position now. I just feel that everyone is drifting apart. Just because this will be a period of upheaval doesn't mean we have to let go of some of our old ties.
Kyna: I dunno why, but I always had the impression you were going to stay on anyway. Probably because I know you'll thrive at CCHS, because despite complaining about the place you actually DO the work lol, and that's all that matters really. Where you and I differ therefore is that you see things falling apart and want to cling on to something familiar, whereas I just want out all the time : And even if this wasn't the case, CCHS simply don't offer any courses that I would want to suffer two more years there for (Philosophy of Religion, NO THANK YOU *vomits*) Anyway, I know this is THE most hypocritical thing I've ever said, but if you ever want to rant, I'm here to listen biggrin
Allie: <i>I dunno why, but I always had the impression you were going to stay on anyway. Probably because I know you'll thrive at CCHS, because despite complaining about the place you actually DO the work lol, and that's all that matters really.</i>
That made me laugh for some reason. I think I have actually done ******** all this term except for scrounging certain pieces off certain friends. I doubt the school would want me even if I did get the grades. I just can't picture myself, wearing myself ragged simply to get the grades the school expects, so it's saddening that I've come to this conclusion to stay there.
<i>Where you and I differ therefore is that you see things falling apart and want to cling on to something familiar</i>
Whereas this doesn't make me laugh at all. I feel like the world is crumbling around me, like everything I once knew is just decaying into no more than a bittersweet memory, and it's not so much clinging on to familiarity as finding that there are no other options than to stick with something I've come to loathe. Having said that, CCHS is probably the only constant in my life, more constant than the company of myself - at least at CCHS I know what to expect, I can pretty much predict what the outcomes of various things will be, and when I can't be sure of anything else it's something of a comfort to have that stability. I don't know whether you've ever noticed, but I'm not the kind of person who likes the Unknown - I like to know what's going to happen, and rarely do something without at least having an idea of the consequences. Not the sort of person to take a leap of faith, in other words, and I feel that uprooting myself at this point would be doing just that. I'd have to put my trust in something that I have no clue about. I hate <i>not knowing</i> - I suppose some might call it over-curiosity, but I feel it's just an inherent mistrust of anything new, any momentary blip in the flatline of my life. Security and insecurity rolled into one neutral
Kyna: Of course there are other options, the very fact that you're AT CCHS makes you an A-grade student and therefore you could go pretty much anywhere you choose - or you could go nowhere at all! Just because you don't like/are afraid of those other choices doesn't mean they're not there. I CAN understand that fear of the unknown, because it tries my endurance too sometimes (as it does everyone's.) Unfortunately, such leaps of ....I prefer to call them probability hehe... are sometimes the best path (and at some points necessary to progress). So somehow I don't think it's justification on its own to do something simply because you're scared of the alternatives. I'm not saying you shouldn't stay on of course, I just want to recommend you think about your choices very VERY carefully before you make them.
Allie: Egh...I'm not sure that it's because I'm afraid of the alternatives that I've come to this decision. I've just been feeling increasingly apathetic these past couple of months - and I do remember saying once that apathy wasn't something I easily succumbed to neutral I just can't be bothered any more. I've torn my hair out and clawed the walls and driven myself round and round in ever-smaller circles over the subject of the Future, just not knowing how I'm going to cope, and now it comes to it I realise that with the subjects I want to take it's all going to be the same wherever the hell I am. At CCHS I don't have any kind of reputation to precede me - most of the teaching body don't <i>know</i> who I am and therefore I have less to put up with except for the overall ethos of the school and my sheer annoyance and hatred of it. I just can't see the point any more. I had a very similar conversation with my mother in which I mentioned (hinted at) sixth-form college as an alternative. Reaction: "but why would you want to go and ruin your good education by doing A-levels there, when you can get into any sixth-form you want?" That's the kind of snobbery I have to put up with. I told her she sounded like Mrs Howland - she told me that Mrs Howland must care about my future more than I do myself. I find that hard to believe smile ) but it doesn't seem worth it. Now who's the hypocrite? 8-|
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Oh dear. So I'm not really sure where that pointless rant leaves me. I just feel...as though I'm burning bridges, systematically destroying everything which provides security and safety to me. Is it a good thing? Well, it means I'm having to rely less upon familiarity and more upon - unfamiliarity. I don't want to stay at my current school any longer than I have to, but I can't see any way out of it neutral
Liruhan · Fri Oct 29, 2004 @ 10:09am · 0 Comments |
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