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self loathing....
here it is...the entry to top all entries...im sure ppl have guessed, speculated, and even assumed i live with something i dont tell to anyone...theyre right...and in the case of my friends...whoo boy are they ever right...i half hope you guys forgive me but this needs to be said...im tired of being the support...all ive done for half my life is unhesistatingly help everyone that wanted it...answers to problems, a shoulder to cry on, a listener to help vent your problems...there should be no question in anyones mind that i never hesitated to do any of it...i proved it often enough...under any other circumstances i wouldnt mind...truly i wouldnt...but i find it depressing that through all of this no one has ever truly tried to force me to stop...but then again why should they?...what does it matter that one person is sacrificing his/her being to help others when it makes them better?...why stop it when the help works and is being offered freely?...i dont demand payment for what i do...it undermines everything i stand for...what i dont get is why others dont stop and ask me to take time for myself...i dont expect it when someone is clearly in trouble or pain...but being whole and happy they tend to forget who helped them and overlook the feelings and problems of that person...i dont doubt that some of you will call me stupid for not being able to take time out for myself...but i know of no other way to live than help others at most any cost...its caused me to ignore myself and my needs...i spend too much time worrying about everyone else and neglect myself...and in all the time ive spent helping others with their problems not ONCE has any of them bothered to tell me to take time for myself...i hate to be selfish but years and years of being selfless kinda makes this overdue
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